I'm new to this thing, so here's a rundown if it will help anyone lend me some insight - me 35, W 33. Together 10 years, married 8. W left to find herself. Find out later she's having an EA - turns into PA. W lives on same block as me, goes on trips to see OM. But affair supposedly ended now.
W liked way OM made her feel - understood, safe.
W says that she lost herself with me. Living under my shadow, unhappy, unfulfilled. Problems with her FOA - abuse, distance, emotional cruelty. Says I never understood. Problems with my FOA - didnt' understand her sensitivity, "walked all over" her feelings. Says I let it happen.
W says I made her feel unsure of herself.
Says she has feelings for OM even now.
I try to keep my head up. Try to listen, apply what I've learned in relation books. Listen to what she says, empathize. Can't agree with everything, but validate her feelings. Fell like dirt though. Been doing this for months, all through the affair. It always seems to threaten to startup again, makes me nervous.
How to deal with W's new selfdiscovery? What's going on? How to keep doing DB when she says some things hurt her so bad that she can't see going back to being m'd?
Counseling just reopened old wounds. Therapy all over the place. Deception about OM even during sessions. My trust is low, low.
Can't agree with everything, but validate her feelings.
Good. That is a start...validating while recongizing that it is not agreeing. Feeling are not something that ar eright or wrong anyway...thus there is nothin go agree or disagree about.
There is always hope. The affair may or may not be over...and she may think it is over, yet it may not be over...she or he may start it up again.
It is typical that the OW/OM makes the MLC/WAW/H feel safe...that is what yields an affair. It is nothing against you. Though you still need to look into yourself and your treatment of her.
Though no one can MAKE another person feel unsure of themself...other peoples confidence in us does help to instill our own self confidence and worth. Did you do things intentionally or unintentionally that showed a lack of confidence in your wife...that showed you didn't believe her to be a worthy person? Did you belittle her and such? How founded are her accusations?
It is perfectly normal in this stage of the game that she still has feelings for the OM...which is why I warn you that it is not over...there is a long OM/OW withdrawal phase...just as from other addictive substances. To get through this with your marriage you need to release the expectation or hope or need that it will be a smooth return...walk-aways return in fits and starts...Sweetheart has so far left and returned 6 times..each time returning to the OW. Hopefully that is more than most. But clearly it happens.
It is not personal. And you don't know what the OM is doing either...the pressure he is putting on your wife to return to him. They often return to the OM/OW for guilt. Sweetheart's OW used her own, her Father's and her daughter's health as well as a faked pregnancy and a threat of indirect suicide. There were a few of his brief hops away that it was clear he misguidedly went back just so she could see that it wouldn't work...and be the bad guy and break it off.
It's not you.
So regarding her self-discovery...what is she discovering...and what about it is scaring you? Is she falling deeper into Depression as she discovers her Demons? Or is she growing and are you afraid of being left behind. Or perhaps she is growing, but in a negative direction and you are afraid she is becoming that new person... ie do you like what she is discovering and fear she won't want you as she discovers her new and wonder ful self? OR do you not like the direction and are thus afraid that these awful new traits are the new her?
If the present discovery is her personal demons...step back and let it happen. This is necessary...and painful to watch...but she's got to go through it.
If it is positive growth and you fear being left behind...you need to look inside yourself and deal with your own fears. Often LBSs fear this for themselves too...they grow while the walk-away does not and fear the walk-away won't like the new (and improved) person...thus many fear improving themselves.
The idea that counseling reopens old wounds uncovers some of this...that the fears are yours too. You also need to face those old wounds...because if counseling can reopen them...they were not healed properly...not dealt with and released.
So are the two of you in therapy together...and not living together yet? Explain this some more...did your wife intiate this? Did she agree readily to your intiation...or did one of you pressure the other? What are her goals and motivation for going to therapy with you? Often it is to help the LBS accept what's happening...that's fine, but do you know? And does the counselor know your goals and motivations...does your wife?
The counselor should know...your wife may or may not need to know...it depends on where she is with her own goals and motivations.
This can take a long time. It takes patience,a cceptance and forgiveness--for yourself and your wife.
But yes, there is Hope and you can do it. Just keep posting so we can keep offering insight.
Difficult to hang in there when the affair goes on and off. Especially when I get angry. It is hard to keep a smiley face going, hard to stay positive with her. Been doing it for a long time and getting more fed up with every return to OM.
I see what you mean about OM manipulation, though. I've heard of all sorts of things - he makes my W feel responsable for his messed up pathetic emotional life, like she's his only salvation or something. It would be nice if someone just put him in an institution to get it over with. She resents it, but is still sucked in by it.
He does, did - whatever - make her feel safe. I think that I'm a critcal kind of person. She said she didn't feel she measured up. I recognize what an a* I've been and have been trying hard to change it, not just with her, but with everyone I know. Got the realization that I'm not the most emotionally wise dude on the planet. Lots of unthinking stuff. No excuses for that.
About her demons...
I'm not afraid of her getting to be where she wants. Always wanted it, just was worried about other things. Every big fight got a threat of leaving tagged on it. Suspicion that "growth" means ashcanning yours truely. Deep down, afraid she never really loved me. Not going to let that get in the way of supporting her, but I gotta admit those sorts of worrys.
So going to the therapist dug that up, yeah. But the other stuff was angry stuff about me and us, and the therapist didn't know how to guide us thru it. Just dragged it up and let it simmer. It would have been nice to have some help, you know.
And I think my W's goals were murky. Still seeing OM during sessions, so probably saw it as divorce conselling. It seems she wants me as some kind of buddy and doesn't want to give that part of it up. I think the therapist knew it. I feel strung along, and not too happy about the whole thing.
Trying to forgive. Trying to get help - praying and going to church, thinking about forgiving. But po'd a lot of the time, especially right now. More than I've been thru most of this. It sucks to "be doing the right thing" (what even DB phone people say) and get nowhere.
Just don't know how to get past my W's inability to forgive me and her thing with OM.
So what do you do when your spouse is broken up one day and cheerful the next?
Honestly,
You just come to expect that sort of thing. In the early phases of Replay for Sweetheart...and much longer for many, this is like Bipolar--rapidly cycling bipolar.
She very likely is contacting the OM. He's an addiction. Have you read the link on the thread started by Iwondertoo? Here it is...
What do you want? What is your threshold? What are yuou willing to go through and accept to Stand for your marriage?
It gets worse MUCH worse before it gets better. So think about that...and believe it. MAny...perhaps most...don't believe. I believed when they told me and thus I prepared myself emottionally. I feel that helped me handle this.
I'm a Stander...that means I don't believe in divorce...that is beyond I don't want a divorce. Many Stand, but are not as morally opposed to divorce. What are you? Either or neither ifs acceptable. But it can help us in how we help you.
When Sweetheart cycled emotionally...or when he got low and just stayed there...I left and went for walks. Left and went to one of my favourite places with a soothing water fountain. Busied myself. I knew that I did not have the power to cheer him up. He HAD to go through that Depression.
Prepare yourself by reading...at least the basics on MLC, Infidelity and Depression. A foundational understanding is helful to prepare yourself emotionally and offer compassion. To go into greater depths in studies depends...I do it and if I had the finances I'd choose it as a career...there are a few of us here that are doing that. But for others--most probably--to study beyond the basics is to take away the focus from themselves and overanalyze, always wonder what he or she is thinking, feeling doing...it keeps one in the panic and fear rather than releases.
So study the basics...and then or while doing that find a hobby or passion of your own. I also studied meditation, hypnotherapy, energy healing... Maybe you would like tot ake up photography, painting, sculpting, fly fishing...
You can do this...and when you release expectation of ease and expediency it will become easier. It's your jounrey too.
Yes, I've read the article. I see where my W got into the affair - she is coming to terms with disappointment in her life and the marriage. I wasn't much help. We weren't good at talking about things. I was pretty content to talk around the problem, to try to change her mood, or to cheer her up. Mainly because I didn't know how to deal with some things.
I think my threshold is pretty high. I've been dealing with this for about 8 or 9 months. The A has been on and off, and I'm only now learning more details about it. Like the fact that an EA was also a PA. Just hearning about that takes me up against the limit of what I want to take. I don't know about it getting worse before it gets better, because it's gotten worse over and over again and then some. I'm tired.
Been reading a lot of the books - the affairs ones, the DB ones, love lingos, all that. Trying the advice too - changing how I relate to her, seeing my role (selfish moron, even though I tried to show her love all the time) in the problem and acting in a new way.
So many things contradictory though. Some say "confront" and stick to limits (like no contact with OM). Others say "be a friend" and let her confide in you. I do a little of both and feel out of whack either way. Seems like I get taken advantage of - been misled about things between them, all the while being a "friend" - which feels like being treated like dirt.
Got some understanding of all this. But worried that my bad behavior will never be forgiven. And that what she's done to contribute to all this will be underplayed.
Don't care about being right. But if I take on all the blame, I'll look like a monster.
So what do you do when you're at the end of your rope?
W seems depressed, won't get out of bed. I visit, try to comfort her. Stay upbeat.
Later that day, she wants to "move on." Without me. Depression seemingly lifted for her. I'm trying to keep things in a DB perspective, trying to be there for her without giving up hope. Trying to stay semi-detached.
Works for a while, then she starts to cry. I lose it and start weeping too.
Now both of us are in misery. I feel like I've fallen from a skyscraper. She feels like she's going to melt into nothing.
I'm replying to myself again. I hope someone sees this and has something they can say.
Is it depression when my W feels like she can't bear living like this (separated, but not definitively divorced)?
We spend a lot of time together, if that helps anyone understand. I've been trying very hard to be the kind of friend she needs. But it seems that she is dead-set on making sure that we will never be anything more than friends. Even if she does not want to 'lose' me.
What can I do? Some kind of 180?
I really hope someone has some insight into this. We need it.
