Journey of a Happy Heart

[princess_nic]

Thank you ISLH, Christy, PL and Alison for stopping by.

I'm going to comment on a few things, particularly what PL wrote. I'm not trying to start an argument, but I want to give my POV and then if anyone has more to say, I am really very happy to hear it.

I agree with ISLH that sometimes we baby the WAS. In my case, I have been affirming and validating and biting my tongue for a year and a half. Furthermore, I was doing a lot of tongue-biting for a good four years before that. Night after night, several times a week, I would be looking out the window in the middle of the night to see if the car was there b/c H would come home far later than he said, then sleep on the sofa-bed. He was NEVER on time, and I mean NEVER. He told me I "had" to give him "an hour's leeway"! When I asked him if he told clients that, he said, "Of course not! That's important." Thanks.

I had to drop out of a yoga class b/c H was never home on time for me to go. My kids and I missed activities waiting for H to turn up. Sometimes I got angry, but then I got tired of being angry, and became silent. Just like Michele says, beware if your W STOPS nagging--she's given up.

The issue of the DVD is another thing that is typcial--I cannot count on H and have not been able to for many years. He also forgot to bring me my car/house keys, which he'd taken by mistake a week earlier. How much more am I supposed to put up with? How understanding am I supposed to be? He has shown no sign of wanting to be with me, or of having any hope or desire for our M.

And I believe he is trying to be nice. His tone seems kind, not demanding.

You're right. What's interesting about that is that if I write a nice, friendly email, I get a one-word reply like "ok" or "fine." If I get PO'd, I'll get something kind and thoughtful. What incentive do I have to be nice? None. When I am, I get treated disrespectfully. When I saw H last night, we were friendly at first, and then he decided to sit down and read the newspaper in my home while I cleaned up the dishes, which he and the kids had dirtied eating a dinner that I made for them. Not even a thank you for dinner. He acts much more pleasant when I tell him I don't have enough food for him!

What if he is acting like he knows what he wants just to save face, because you already look happy and like you have moved on?

I am happy and I have moved on. He's lagging way behind and seeing him just brings me down b/c he is so hard to be with. He is not someone I want to spend time with right now. I don't know if he ever will be. The only reason I can see us even getting back together at all is because of the kids, and I don't really think that's good enough.

I am also very suspicious of his motivations. I think he is being friendly so that I don't screw him over in a D. I might be wrong, but he has proven himself untrustworthy time after time. He actually took almost his whole bonus out of the checking acccount a couple of weeks ago ($5,000) w/o telling me. When I asked, he said it's to buy a car, even though we have other debt that needs to be paid off. He didn't say a word to me about it till I asked him. So far, it seems he's not made any moves to look for a car. Is it really for a L? I just don't know.

I believe he is trying, Nicola. Just for a little longer, perhaps you can give him the benefit of the doubt? You can always date all those cute men later, if your H is truly lost. But you know, the LBS usually moves on in impatience about a year before the WAS has an epiphany. Patience might save the day here, for your M and your kids....

PL, I so wish I could really believe this. All I believe right now is that the only thing he's been honest about is the fact that he's no good for me.

Again, this is my POV, and I'm very happy to hear other opinions and thoughts.

Love to all,
Nicola