I am feeling just I dunno ,,, plus it is very , very cold outside today and I feel ugly and un attractive. All in my head by the way cause I am a good person but with ths cabin fever and my daughter being sick since Friday,, I am feeling like I need to escape from myself.
I had started working out last week and it felt so good but then my daugther got sick so it has been 4 days and no gym. yeah boo hoo I am feeling sorry for myself,, \:\(
I do notice that when I go to the gym my mood seems to improve and I feel strong.

...also I have been talking to my h daily ( he is Mexico with his parents) and once again he seems to be doing great and he does call me but he seems to be holding back and it scares but at the same time he needs to find out for himself where he stands and I keep saying ILY and being loving and he can be dry,, but his actions speak louder than words!!!! The other nite he called me twice @ 1:45 am on the Home phone and I never heard it cause he has not called me at that time in a long time and so the phone was in the kithchen,, and he calls alot more than he has in the past when he has gone to Mexico,, but he is stingy with the ILY's and just being sweet with words,,,


.....he knows words of affirmation are my love language so I do believe he does it on purpose and I do not know if it is to intentionally be mean or he is just "trying" to prove some sort of point.
ir forces me to face my fears and it forces me to wonder am I loving him and he doesnt love me with the same passion? I know he loves me but why does he seem to feel the need to play a game? It hurst to think that if after all I have accepted and forgiven that he still needs me to prove my love,,, I am for sure a lot confusd as hard as I try I cannot figure this pout and why he is doing this,, the other day he put his Nephew on the phone and told him to say hi to your Aunt and the little boy said " HI AUNT",, in Spanish.

He is @ 2 years old and his MOM is my H's Sister ( who if you remember is the OW"s best friend) and she told him to say ILY in Spanish to me and I got teared up when the little boy said this,,, mind you he has never met me and my SIL has not been very nice to me in the past.......

I dunno I am connnnnfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuused and maybe I am just being too scared and reading to much into his dryness,,,,,

We have been reconciled for about 6 months and I just hope that I can keep working on me and changing this for the better.
I got an old Oprah Magazine at the Thrift store the other day,, one of my fun things I like to do( I LOVE to find great stuff for practically nothingB. And there is an Author in there and I will have to post his name later and he I guess also believes in the notion that one person in the R can change it,, I really want to get his Book and read it too. I am still so humbled and grateful for this Forum and the book DR,, it saved My life really and I will not soon forget.
God bless....