But i feel totally numb, i've made a huge mistake - I'VE BLOWN IT!!!!
I've been getting more and more desperate to talk to H about how he thinks it is all going and why he wont leave his phone out of sight. Also, when the children are asleep and it's just us 2 together we just sit in silence watching tv - i hate that! So, i got to the point where i just couldn't stand it anymore, i really needed to talk. I began the conversation in the worst possible way, i just blurted out "you're still seeing her aren't you"? Obviously he looked shocked and was a bit speechless. I told him that i needed reassurance that it was definately over, that i felt that he was very cold towards me and that i didn't think we were making any progress!!! He said that he hadn't seen her since our son was born and (with a bit of pushing from me) said that he had spoken to her a few times. I said if it was going to work he needs to have no contact whatsoever with ow. He said he really wants it to work and has been trying really hard. I told him that i knew he was really trying and that i was grateful for that and appreciate all that he is doing but i have realised that his feelings for me hadn't changed - basically, he has no feelings for me. He agreed. He said it had nothing to do with ow, that the relationship with her was never anything serious.
Neither of us know where to go from here. I said that i couldn't go through it all again and maybe i should make the decision to D now. He said he hates that word but doesn't know what is going on in his head and feels under pressure.
I have just undone any good that i had achieved during the last 10 months - i am absolutely devastated.
