Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

Your flailing.

Duh. However, please remember that I do use this BB as my personal therapy journal/ venting arena. In real life all that "flailing" that I exhibited on the BB just looked like me being somewhat distracted as I went about my daily routine.

Why do you take to heart all the stuff your H says?
When I am working on things, I grumble and curse and bitch when things arent flowing smoothly too, whether its because I misplaced my hammer, or the bolt wont line up with the hole, or at the software programmer who clog up the clients on the domain with spyware, or because I miscalculated my routing tables.

It would really tick me off, if my woman said 'just dont do it then.' What? quit because of adversity? what kind of support is that?

Don't misunderstand me. I think it's perfectly normal to swear at the hammer or swear at the gods when my H misplaces the hammer that kind of behavior doesn't bother me. I just don't want him swearing at me.

I think the main reason I've been flailing lately is things have just gotten weird in my relationship. We're both behaving differently than usual for us and it's anxiety provoking to not be in the comfort zone or even the same old familiar dysfunctional rut. For instance, my H who used to have an issue with my weight was encouraging me to eat MORE pizza this weekend even though by all objective standards I could still stand to lose a few pounds. Surprisingly (or not to you I'm sure), I don't find this kind of placating behavior all that comforting. OTOH it's not like he's completely morphed into Mr.Placating he keeps bouncing back and forth between that and his old bullying behavior and it's, obviously, making me kind of nuts. For instance, he volunteered (I had not asked at all or even indicated that I needed assistance)to haul some stuff around for me but he said very crankily while he was doing it "I can't be your fun guy so I guess I'll be your donkey.".

What happened the last time your H quit his job?
Did your family make it thru?

In the last 6 or 7 years my H has quit several jobs and one graduate degree program and been fired from one job. Disregarding any emotional wear and tear this has had on me, practically the result has been that our 401k plan, college savings for the kids, equity in our house and credit line have all been fully maxed out and are only in a state of recovery due to the fact that my H and I are both currently making more money than we have in the past. During his periods of unemployment, the situation for me has been that I work, I continue to do the vast majority of housework AND I support his efforts to find new employment in the face of his negativity. Now, I understand that I shouldn't really gripe about this because whatever cr*p I put up with in the past was due to my own inability to set adequate boundaries. For instance, instead of being martyred about the housework, I could have said "Okay, you aren't working now so here's the list of stuff that I usually do that you can take over while you're at home.". Probably, the reason I didn't do this is because I do think this would have been sort of "male energy" sapping, but if I think that way then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I start flailing again.

Okay, about me being a smoke alarm. Let me tell you the story of what happened and you can judge. My H was home in bed sleeping and watching TV for two weeks too "exhausted" to work. I dealt with this by doing my best to go about my daily routine as usual, as I noted in a previous post I even made a point of doing some activities for myself that I consider "fun" and I was caring in my behavior towards my H. Around day 4 or 5 my H got out of bed and asked me if I would call his boss to tell him that my H was still sick. I calmly said that I thought he should do that himself. My H threw a fit and yelled at me. I remained calm. Later that day my H apologized and called his boss himself. Around day 7 or 8 my H's boss and I pretty much simultaneously insisted that my H ought to see a doctor. I accompanied him to the doctor and took care of some insurance hassles. Day 12, a Saturday, my H is wondering aloud whether he will feel well enough to go to work on Monday, at this point he has used up all his vacation time for the year. At this moment, my son enters the room and says to me "Have you stopped doing my laundry?". At this point I lose it; I start laughing and crying at the same time because although I have kept up with my usual work load, I am running behind on the laundry simply because the laundry room is right off our bedroom and my H has been in there sleeping all the time. My H seeing my reaction responds by saying "Okay, I'm going to work on Monday no matter how cr*ppy I feel.".

So, I ask you, is the problem that I am a smoke alarm that goes off too much or one that doesn't go off quickly enough or what? This is not a rhetorical question.

I see that your H is leaving you in a leadership void right now, but there is nothing 'wrong' with your R right now.

Maybe thats whats wrong with your R?

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but I feel like you're sort of accusing me of being a drama queen. I just don't think that's true. I am a romantic but I MUCH prefer Jane Austen to the Bronte sisters.

If you want to be radically honest ask him What he wants to accomplish in the next few months or years. If he doesnt know, reply 'huh. that must suck.' Its not your job to fix it. Its your job to control your perspective.

I believe that this is pretty much a good suggestion. However, I don't think you understand how difficult a job controlling my perspective is for me in this situation. Let me tell you about the last weird thing that happened this weekend. My H needed to borrow my car since his was in the shop. I had a lot of boxes full of books waiting to go to my warehouse in the car. My H started unloading the boxes saying he didn't want to drive around with all that cr*p in the car. He was very cranky and disrespectful as he did this, yelling at me that I shouldn't carry so much weight in my car and to get the dog out of his f*cking way etc (this is behavior that might have made me cry in the past).. I calmly but firmly said to him "Do not speak to me in that cranky manner. I made a rational, considered decision to buy an inexpensive car rather than a van even though I do need to do some hauling for my business. If the car breaks down early due to being overweighted, I will deal with the consequences.". My H just collapsed. It was like the little guy coming out from behind the Wizard of Oz display. This kind of freaked me out at first because I felt like I was being thrust into Mommy mode but then I was able to feel some empathy. I spontaneously said "So, when you act all cranky like that it's really just like you are crying.". He didn't disagree.

My point is that now that I am brave enough to demand respect in the relationship, I can no longer "see" my H's bullying behavior as masculine. My perspective has changed and it won't change back unless I become more dysfunctional and needy. If I am unable to see any sort of new placating type behavior as masculine either, well- that's just natural. At least I have the advantage of being self-aware about that sort of thing due to my time spent on this BB. So, here is my plan. I will stay where I am, continue to demand respect and patiently try to at least do no harm in my relationship.