OK, I didn`t have much time to write this morning, but I have a few minutes now...and I think I need to journal!
I have come to the realization, yet again, that my wife's problem is that she no longer loves me. It is what she says, it is the way she acts, it is what I believe. She has admitted often that yes, life is much easier when we are both together (as far as parenting goes) and that we both enjoy each other`s company, but is there any way of restoring her love for me? That is a million dollar question! She has never even hinted that she may have some feelings remaining for me. So what can I do about that? Same million dollar question I fear.
She is comfortable in my presence, and enjoys the familiarity, but fears it as well. Does not want to be too comfortable and does not want to work on a relationship based on comfort or familiarity alone. I understand that! But I do not share those feelings...I want to hold her, love her, cherish her, be with her. I have no interest in finding someone else.
Last night, she was talking as if she would be single for the rest of her life. So I dont think she is interested in anyone either. She was saying that she sees herself living in a small place that will be her own, on her own, when she is fifty (we are both only 31). Funny, that is not how I see myself!
Point of interest/worry: All her "new" friends are older, divorced, financially succesfull women. I fear that, when she spends all night with them, drinking wine by the fire, talking, that they serve as models..."You see honey, we can be just as happy without our husbands!". These ladies are all very nice and I respect them, but they do not help MY cause at the moment. I wish I could tell her that, I wish she could feel like I do for a day. I fear she will be lonely...and so will I.
I am not depressed lately...actually doing pretty good, I simply CANT see myself with anyone else than her. My goals are the same as they have always been: Familly, house, loving partner. We used to share those dreams, now she sees herself as part of a sisterhood of some sort. A survivor, an independant woman...free of the ball and chain.
She was never really intersted in those things before. Now, she is renting movies, reading books: The Vigina Monologues, The Yaya Sisterhood and such. I have nothing against these things, but why the sudden change in interest...I fear it, even though perhaps I should not! Male ego? Perhaps! Ignorance? In part! But mostly, I know we can be happy together.
It sounds like your wife has some independence issues that she needs to work through.
Unfortunately, when it comes to my personal experience, I became a fanatic and then settled down and realized that I could be a strong independent woman of the 90's and yet still have the white picket fence and family.
You may be better off backing off while she goes through this exploration of herself as an independent strong woman.
I still think from what you've written, that she loves you. She may be having issues in feeling that she loves you and that's not 'right' and doesn't fit in with the strong/independent modern amazon that she's trying to be.
Please remember, Michele says 'Love is a choice'. Unfortunately, you can't make that choice for your wife.
However, I do want to point out to you that the other day, you expressed your feelings and your wife changed her actions. I still think this means that she cares for you. If she truly didn't care any longer, her response would have been, "So?".
Perhaps my best advice would be to re-read Divorce Remedy. Or perhaps the "Fire your Shrink" book. I haven't read this one yet, but I have it on hold at the library. I'm hoping this one will help me focus on myself more and my marriage less.
If nothing else I've said helps, please take this gentle hug. (((((Steph)))))
steph, it certainly does sound like your wife is on a journey of some kind, don't fear it. take your own journey...discover what other goals you may have that go along with family house loving partner.
I will share with you the fact that dispite my h's having his ow "friend" he saw himself as being alone, living alone, just doing his own thing, all the while I sat picturing my future growing old and sitting on the porch drinking lemonade...
I had to let h take his journey (was never thrilled about it) and I HAD to take my own as well... my journey helped me to see that though family, home, and loving partner are all very nice and important to me... I am also important to me.. h learned through his journey that though independance, personal time (and all that stuff) is nice family, home and loving partner are also important.
so steph what I say to you is this...it seems to me that your w does love you...needs to take this journey...become the independant woman...you need to take your own journey too. then and only then can you come back together one independant strong woman and one independant strong man choosing to share their life together.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: However, I do want to point out to you that the other day, you expressed your feelings and your wife changed her actions. I still think this means that she cares for you.
I have no doubt that she still cares...she is not inlove!
ya ya ya!! so she's not inlove...what is inlove anyway but a whole bunch of la la la crapola...my h wasn't inlove with me either...and honestly I wasn't inlove with him..just happend to realize that love was a choice...and when I let go and accepted the fact that just as I make the choice to love h, h was making the choice to not be with me...
inlove is the maddness you go through to get to the love...
you can do this steph... don't doubt your wifes love for you...so she's not inlove...let her go and figure out what the feelings she does have for you mean.
Steph, I hear ya loud and clear.I don't think my h is "in love" with me anymore, cause he sure shows no signs of any kind. I know it's been a month(Wednesday) that he moved. I realized the other day that our healing has just begun, as the past months he was just in a fog about getting out on his own, so alot of wasted time that I thought he was working on him..wrong, but at least I was working on me.
Our friends here have helped me at low times to remember that our spouses are on their own private journey. They can't see past the hurt, anger, confusion, whatever it is they are "lookin" for to see that we are hurting too. So...while I don't have advice, hang on to the hope that until she files, tells you to take a hike, all the sure signs that your m is over over, she still wants you in her life. We have to keep our sanity!!!! Bye Sue
Quoting lostlove: you can do this steph... don't doubt your wifes love for you...so she's not inlove...let her go and figure out what the feelings she does have for you mean.
I know we love each other...the caring and compassion and friendship are all there...but a huge piece of the puzzle is missing: she is not IN LOVE. I dont consider that to be a whole lot of nothing! The title to my thread states my present situation and frame of mind perfectly! How can we begin to "be in love" again?
I haven't had a single clear answer yet...and I am fresh out of ideas!
Quoting KAW: Think of her ideas of your M no longer working over the years as a growing mass that began to move with increasing momentum until the point where she began to run/act with those ideas. By the time it gets to "I want a divorce", that mass is chugging along like a oceanliner full of steam. Make your changes ... change your course ... spin that steering wheel ... but the momentum still seems to carry that ship forward in the water ... but you have put into effect the changes that will cause the momentum to shift ... in time that ship will begin to steer into the turn taking off the course it is currently heading.
Her ideas are that ship. In time the changes you have made will have the effect of shifting the momentum they have and eventually transforming her actions. A just as equally important part of the equation as the changes are, is the time it takes for them to make their effect.
Steph the same holds true about how they believe they feel. As to what sparks the change, I truely believe ...
Quoting KAW: How could she turn so quickly? I remembered how she once told me when she first knew she I was the guy for her. We first met by working on the same shift at work. We were part of the same group that would go out for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts every night after work. After several months, one night I set up a telescope in the parking lot to show them the planets and such. She told me it was that night she decided I was the kind of man she would like to live with for the rest of her life.
Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.
What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again. For my W it took a little longer than a week for her to process this on her own before she came to me to talk.
Quote: I haven't had a single clear answer yet...and I am fresh out of ideas!
and you won't get one either... sorry!! it's not cut and dry and right now you can't do anything about it anyway..(least that's my opinion) just work on you, move the focus away from her...let her come to you...when she is ready you will know.
Kaw, LL, as usual you seem better equipped than I at dealing with all this. Thank You.
We talked for 2 hours last night...about everything! I will not go into any detail...too long and repetetive. In short, we both expressed our thoughts and emotions from both the present and from a past point of view. She was surprised to realize how she treated me sometimes, and how that may have affected MY actions, which in turn affected her's and so on...the endless cycle of detachement, resentment and falling out of love.
I made some strong statements: I know you still love me, you show me every day...you are just having a hard time being "In Love" with me. She did not disagree...of course, I had to explain what I ment: It is obvious that you still care for me, that you enjoy my company, that you are hurting as much (perhaps only differently) as I am...but you still care, you still want to help, you still want me in your life.
Second strong statement: I feel SO "normal" sometimes that I could...if I don't think before I act, just kiss you, hug you, grab you a** . I know you feel the same way...you have made some "freudian slips" youself...and they have made me smile time and again. She replied that it was the familiarity. I said familiarity is not necessarily bad...we just have to sort of keep it in check. She asked me NOT to act on my "impulses" (the physical touching) "at this moment". I asked her to be upfront with me if and when I made her uncomfortable...and to let me know when it would (or IF it ever would) be OK for me to show more affection. It scares her, but she seems to understand.
We spoke about the MAJOR breakdown in communication: she WAS telling me, I wasn't getting the message. I WAS telling her, SHE wasn't getting the message!
. I know you feel the same way...you have made some "freudian slips" youself...and they have made me smile time and again. She replied that it was the familiarity. I said familiarity is not necessarily bad...we just have to sort of keep it in check. She asked me NOT to act on my "impulses" (the physical touching) "at this moment". I asked her to be upfront with me if and when I made her uncomfortable...and to let me know when it would (or IF it ever would) be OK for me to show more affection. It scares her, but she seems to understand.