OK, I didn`t have much time to write this morning, but I have a few minutes now...and I think I need to journal!
I have come to the realization, yet again, that my wife's problem is that she no longer loves me. It is what she says, it is the way she acts, it is what I believe. She has admitted often that yes, life is much easier when we are both together (as far as parenting goes) and that we both enjoy each other`s company, but is there any way of restoring her love for me? That is a million dollar question! She has never even hinted that she may have some feelings remaining for me. So what can I do about that? Same million dollar question I fear.
She is comfortable in my presence, and enjoys the familiarity, but fears it as well. Does not want to be too comfortable and does not want to work on a relationship based on comfort or familiarity alone. I understand that! But I do not share those feelings...I want to hold her, love her, cherish her, be with her. I have no interest in finding someone else.
Last night, she was talking as if she would be single for the rest of her life. So I dont think she is interested in anyone either. She was saying that she sees herself living in a small place that will be her own, on her own, when she is fifty (we are both only 31). Funny, that is not how I see myself!
Point of interest/worry: All her "new" friends are older, divorced, financially succesfull women. I fear that, when she spends all night with them, drinking wine by the fire, talking, that they serve as models..."You see honey, we can be just as happy without our husbands!". These ladies are all very nice and I respect them, but they do not help MY cause at the moment. I wish I could tell her that, I wish she could feel like I do for a day. I fear she will be lonely...and so will I.
I am not depressed lately...actually doing pretty good, I simply CANT see myself with anyone else than her. My goals are the same as they have always been: Familly, house, loving partner. We used to share those dreams, now she sees herself as part of a sisterhood of some sort. A survivor, an independant woman...free of the ball and chain.
She was never really intersted in those things before. Now, she is renting movies, reading books: The Vigina Monologues, The Yaya Sisterhood and such. I have nothing against these things, but why the sudden change in interest...I fear it, even though perhaps I should not! Male ego? Perhaps! Ignorance? In part! But mostly, I know we can be happy together.
