I am not in a good place and felt the need to journal!
All this week, daughter was at my wife`s. We spent EVERY evening doing things together and things were going well. They still are I guess. BUT, when she has my daughter, she calls me and invites me over to do things. When I have our daughter, she pulls the dissapearing act. I talked to her today, we were supoosed to do things this weekend, all of a sudden, she has plans almost ALL weekend...again, I am left to do things on my own. It seems she NEEDS me ONLY when she has our daughter and it does NOT make me feel very good! She is getting the best of both worlds, she gets to have her family and my help when she has no other plans, exept taking care of d, but when she does not have d, she is free to do as she pleases and leaves me up to my own devices???
I know I am bitching, I would like to tell her how I feel, but...? Should I? Would it change anything or simply create pressure? Should I remind her that she called both Saturday and Sunday morning, waking me up, and that it was fine with me, but if I did the same thing to her, it would be percieved as pressure and would become a big deal?
If you have fallen into a pattern that doesn't work, change it at your end to break the pattern. Do you have to spend EVERY evening with your wife during your D's stay with her? Plan at least a nite or two (maybe more) during those weeks for Steph to do his own thing. Plan a weekend for Steph (or at the very least when she calls don't answer right away. Catch a few more zzzz's, then call her back later). If you make yourself less available when she has D with her, and she feels the need to spend the same amount of "family" time together, then she will need to do some of that during your week with D.
steph, I must say I agree with KAW, but you already know that...what happend when you decided to not participate in the skating lessons on the saturdays during w dd time...if you are feeling taken by not having your own time while w has her own...then stop being so available for her...I know you enjoy the time spent as a "family" but if your not having time for you as a result of it then it serves no purpose and resentment is sure to build wich as you know will undermine any efforts at having any kind of r with w...
so then what plans do you have for you next time it is your week off??? any reading to catch up on?? any friends you lost touch with when you became a daddy??? any steph things you lost touch with when you became a daddy... use YOUR time as YOUR time....not as a ploy against w, but to regain YOURSELF!! remember that you will not be neglecting dd by not being there during mommy time you will be givig all three of you a wonderful gift...a mommy who learns she can do it on her own..special time for dd with mommy alone and special time for daddy so that when it is his turn to be with dd he is revived and in a better place having had his steph time. of course there is no reason why you can't accept some of the invitations to spend time as a family but I would suggest taking more opportunity to do your own thing too!!
Sometimes, just a bit of open communication makes a whole lot of good. I decided to call my wife, and simply (calmly and with respect) tell her how I felt and tell her that I only needed for her to know how I felt, not to fix anything. She just repeated what I said...as if she understood: "So you feel like I am available when I have our daughter but not availabe when you do." BINGO. She then said: "We could do something Saturday morning?" I simply told her that I did not want her to try to fix anything, just realize how I felt, and that I needed her to know...before it became a problem. I felt like:
we had made plans for this weekend
She changed those plans without really given me a reason
I was available when she had our daughter, but she wasn't when I had her
when she has our daughter, she drops by unannounced, calls often, makes many "family" plans
If I did all of these things, it WOULD be a problem
She told me to call her tomorrow night..she had told me that she had plans already, but that was a lie...she simply did not want to come to my parents' for my Dad's B-day. I told her it would be better for her NOT to make up stories...that I would accept and respect her wishes, her desire NOT to come.
So I guess I'll call her tomorrow, although I feel like leaving her a voice mail...simply telling her how much it helped to simply be heard!
Great for letting your feelings be known..I think you need to be a little less available when your w has your d. She needs to have the alone time without you always being there, and you need it too... I can hear in your posts that you are torn about this..your w still seems unsure even though she tells you it's over. Keep on plugging away. Sue
Quoting Jamesjohn: Could doing this be a "more of what works" for you?!
Yes , yes it could!
Quote: Who knows? She may follow your lead on this, and do it herself!
Actually, lets give credit where credit is due! I was following HER lead . Last Sunday night, we had a great big "touchy" discussion when she asked me to participate in her family's Xmas gift exchange (that's when i questioned her motives). She called later that night to thank me for being able to overcome my initial worries!
OK, now I'm getting a whole bunch of messages ??? One to tell me she appreciated my call, to let her know how I appreciated her listenning to me. The other to tell me that when i come home tonight she can come over and put d to bed (What?). And a third to tell me our d's scarf is at her mother's and she can go get it if I want and bring it over!
So why the sudden interest in coming over? To make things right? To show me that she IS available?
B.S.! Its not her coming over tonight that will actually make up for the fact she CHANGED our plans for the weekend! I still come in second and that she can not change right now! I wil be fine without her this weekend! Dont feel like calling her back, just want to go on with my own plans (2 B-day partys to go to today with my daughter ).
Well, if nothing else, it is an indication that she cares about your feelings and is sorry you feel bad.
I think that's a good thing.
On the other hand. Perhaps she's just been clueless about how selfish she's been. Now that you've pointed out that her actions do affect other people, including you, well, perhaps she's re-evaluating who she wants to be. Or perhaps she truly loves you and doesn't know how to act/be in this limbo land in which she's 'supposed' to be separated from you.
There's no telling what her reasons are. However, I'd say that she listened to what you said and changed her actions in a positive way. And THAT is a good thing.
. Last Sunday night, we had a great big "touchy" discussion when she asked me to participate in her family's Xmas gift exchange (that's when i questioned her motives). She called later that night to thank me for being able to overcome my initial worries!
).
