On New Years Day, my H calls @ 1 AM and we talk for 3 hours. This is the 2nd phone conversation we have had since he has been gone. So, I think we are piecing long distance. He wanted to know if I would come visit him and we even talked about where we might move to.
It was a very emotional conversation. He said he was bearing his soul. He told me some things that I had suspected (like his drinking problem & depression). It was a real in-depth conversation - I was reciting the 12 steps to him & he was interested.
He asked me why I didn't divorce him. I told him that I wanted to talk with him about why he left. He said the divorce was "supposed" to have happened. But, since it didn't, it seems as if he wants to continue on with the marriage.
So, why am I so unhappy about all this??? At first I was thrilled and then I think I started to see just how much work this is going to take.
It just seems like I have come so far on my own (which also involved a lot of work) & now he wants back in (which will involved even more work). I am afraid to admit that I feel like I want out. Just feel drained and tired of it all. (I have not told him this, but I'm afraid he can sense it). Is this a typical reaction??
I know that when the walk-away comes back around, it raises lots of issues for the other spouse. Just feels like it's so hard to want to have him back now - what if it happens again??? What if he walks away again??
I could use some counseling, but my counselor gave up on me long ago. I know I should call DBers.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
when you travel down a road so painful and finally see some relief, some security, and are then asked to wipe all that progress away and take a chance on going through it all again, it's a tough call.
Good luck and enjoy this zero degree weather we're having.
Thanks for the bit of advice. I should change my ID to DebinStLouis. I will moving on Tuesday (just temporarily) for a new project. Great salary increase - so now I can actually afford the house I live in (assuming my H doesn't or can't provide any more financially). He is not working, but just sailing along, crossing the jet stream now and then.
He is very optomistic about us, which is great, I think. But, I just don't feel it. I wish I could, but it's not there. Once I get moved to St. Louis, I will get some counseling.
Thanks again for the response.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
Deb, I am not even close to piecing, but I do understand this is normal. DR even has devoted some pages to it, look them up. TJ had been leaping forward through the holidays and I too felt what you are discribing. Now it is not the case, but I do feel positive still. So just so you know I think you have every right to feel this way, and decisions are yours. You are gaining power my friend, after being so out of the drivers seat for so long. Be careful and kind with your power, and do right with it. Faith and Cheerfulness, Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
So he mentioned it again in another email. He wants me to come see him. Of course I will - why - because I know he needs help. He is majorly screwed up in the head.
So, is this really piecing if I am doing it because I feel obligated to help him?? I think so. This reminds me of last year when my brother was in the hospital with Crohn's. He was high maintanence for the nurses, and no one was there for him (he's a bachelor). I was bracing myself for the experience as I drove towards the hospital. You do what you can for your relatives. It was only 3.5 weeks out of my life and it meant the world to him.
So, this "piecing" with my H, I kind of see the same way. I know he is really sick. We are talking bipolar, drinking problem (I can't write the A word, it bothers me that much!!) My dad was an alcoholic and I had years of work with Alanon long before I met my H and I still married an alcohlic -- ahhhhhh!!
I have called my counselor now that I'm settled in a new town.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
So in an email today, he says he is not drinking (he has stopped before and started back again) and he says he has several issues to resolve before he "grows up again".
My question to the piecing people - are the turn arounds typically as dramatic as this? He has been gone since May 06. Hardly a word from him most of the time. Went for months @ a time without an email and certainly no phone calls until the recent holidays!!
So now, he is wanting to "resolve the issues" (whatever that is for him - I certainly have a few - or a few hundred!). It's just out of the blue it seems. Or is it?? I think he comes around when he sees that I have had enough. Which is just the opposite thing that DBers will tell you to do.
I think he is responding well to the kick in the butt that I have been gently applying. Sorry for the negativity, but it seems to work.
Thanks for any input. Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
It's just out of the blue it seems. Or is it?? I think he comes around when he sees that I have had enough. Which is just the opposite thing that DBers will tell you to do.
Actually, you probably did some DBing without even knowing it. I've seen a lot of posters talk about their WAS's coming around after the LBS was ready to walk away themselves. In fact, a few months ago I got to a point where I was ready to let my M go. I am also dealing with a long distance piecing situation. I have had career and moving decisions looming without much input or commitment from H and I finally game us both permission to let go and move on, because let's face it, the odds are against people in this kind of situation. I didn't do it out of spite, or just to get a reaction, I really felt (feel) that way. His response was to begin communicating much more and talking about his plans for the future.
I think a gently kick in the butt can be helpful, as long as it is an honest kick, and not to meant to intentionally hurt the other person.
For your H to admit a drinking problem and to attempt to deal with it, is a good thing. Of course, it's just scratching the surface...but some people don't even start scratching.
Oh I know how you feel!! Long distance piecing is hard BUT it can also be fun. In some ways the distance can be helpful. It can allow you the space you need to really figure things out for yourself.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
