C wants to talk about how our parents got through conflicts...they are still together, wonders if we can learn from them...I think this is futile! MIL (I love her dearly, she loves me, and I still go over there for supper about twice a month...without wife) told my wife, when this all began that she had also once felt like she does, but had nowhere else to go...my wife (and I dont blame her) does NOT want to settle on our marriage simply because she has nowhere else to go! Plus, I am a different person than my parents, my wife different from her's. So what's the use.
If I dont say a word...she will NOT ask! So do I say something like: Did you want to come to C on Monday...I will go either way!
She wil answer: Do you want me to come?
I answer ???? NO? Only if YOU want to? Do you want to come? It's a merry-go-round!
I (at this moment, this WILL probably change) do NOT want her there. But do I risk her never coming back simply because I am angry with her and disappointed, and hurt?
Not three weeks ago we were away for the weekend with my family, and had a grand old time...why is it that now, I want nothing to do with her?
Quote: Not three weeks ago we were away for the weekend with my family, and had a grand old time...why is it that now, I want nothing to do with her?
why you want nothing to do with her.... perhaps it's just easier that way... be my wife or get lost... the fact that just three weeks ago you had been enjoying her company should not be forgotten...I would for now not drop her from the c sessions...and remember you pay the c... if you do not see what they are doing working speek up...if you think it futile to talk about how your parents solved issues then say so... what your parents did is no more significant than what your neighbors do...what works for one couple does not work for another...
I think you should still ALLOW wife to join you in these sessions just use them differently now... use them to learn to communicate... perhaps instead of talking about the r and how to fix IT you can discuss things like her not being avail when you tried to drop d off and then her anger at YOU... try to shift the focus to...ok we need to communicate and get along so that we can co-parent... this will take pressure of the r.. and you can go from there with it.. LL
You said you had a great time with her three weeks ago and now you don't want anything to do with her.
Perhaps you have gotten a little of what you hoped for and are now out of 'crisis/survival' mode? And further, perhaps because you've moved out of that mode, you can take a breather and figure out what you really want?
I'm not sure if this is a normal phase on this rollercoaster, but it would make sense to me.
From what I've read, everyone seems to be saying that this is a good place for you to be. That you are getting closer to being able to lovingly detach and allow your wife to continue her journey of discovering what she wants.
I'm probably biased from my own situation, but I sometimes wonder if this is all some sort of rebellion/power play that we are going through with our spouses.
The mintue we say we want them, they say, pfft...well I don't want you. Then the minute they act like they want us again, we feel, pfft...well I don't want you anymore..I just want you to want me.
I truly don't know.
Tis just something I've been wondering about recently.
Quote: Any clue? Any 2 cents worth is worth more than 2 cents (right KAW)!
Hi Steph, First of all, thanks for your support over on my thread. Fear not!...All your pleading, pegging and whining will NOT drive me away. So you want my 2 cents worth?! ... actually, kinda wish Tbone was hear to chime in. Back in June and July, he was going through much of what you are now. You may want to scan his threads from that time period.
OK, I, too, to some degree know how you feel. At a time, when I started to feel better about myself by working on my PMA, my W's moods were mostly negative. I didn't want her to affect how I felt so I would make myself scarce more. It may work for the time being, but ask yourself ... Do you really want to continue to feel this way every time you are around your W? Do you want your current feelings to lead to how you will continue interact with W? (and this will affect your D, too.) If not, you are the one in control of how you WANT to feel when you are with her. Then, for now, you need to act "as-if" you will not always feel this way. Most important thing is in the first moments of contact to act "as-if" you ARE going to have a pleasant time with her in an attempt to diffuse any negative expectations she has. You just dealt with this when dropping your D at her place. Continue being calm and upbeat and she will rebound quicker. However, if she persists in being a "downer" then it is you choice to overlook it or not. If not then it is most likey wise to remove yourself. You seem to be building some resentment over removing yourself. It might be best to think of it as a battle of wills ... one trying to overtake the other. Her negativity has a draining effect on your PMA unless your PMA becomes strong enough to no longer influenced, then your PMA can affect her negativity. Until, your PMA can tolerate whatever she throws at you, you will need to distance yourself in order to avoid succumbing to her attitude. Right now, this is where you are at. Hope it makes sense?
As far as C session goes, I agree with LL. If you wish to work through your issues, then that should be done in an individual session. Correct me if I'm wrong, this Monday's session was schedule as a joint session and your W is aware of it? Then it is your W responsibility to set her agenda to be there or not. By asking all the timif she is going make it sound like you are playing the role of her guardian. Do a 180 here and don't ask if she is going. Just show up for the appointment. If she doesn't show, then you will get your oppurtinity to explore your issues. If she does show, then it will demonstrate that she is keeping a door open in which you may work on bring you closer together. Doesn't mean you have to work on reconciling. More useful purpose is to allow for a safe, non-judgemental environment in which to express to each other what you feel. It would be appropiate to bring up how her actions of late have affect you.
Oh where did the time go? ... Lunch break is over ... well you did ask for my 2 cents worth ... hope you don't regret it.
Steph: Kaw advice was excellent... i will add something... if you just dont agree with C guide, for example, relating your M situation with your parents situation, just state that and try to focus more on what you are feeeling... and what she might be feeling...!!... If your W moods or no hopes for R in the future affects you, think a lot about MLC stuff... think a lot that many many of her words arent true at all... that only are a result of her turmoil... i can say you this MLC men and women, suddenly can change their views of world and forgett all they had said...!!... Remember that, and use that awfull mood to catch the signs that point you her turmoil, her confution, her scares... and reinforce in her the importance of growth with age, with the good memories of the past and the great wishes for the future
The MLC WAS is one messed up creature that can not be predicted. They can't even predict what they will do. They are running as fast as they can with their eyes closed. Considering all of this, you are doing fine. The stage you have reached concerning her is very healthy. First we want them so bad and then we get to a point that we can't stand them. Finally we graduate to the middle, where we belong. Continue to handle the sitch just as you have and keep an even keel. I let my WAW control my behavior and that extended our recovery. I still do occassionally and it pisses me off.
It will take a long time to feel "stress free" again. What seems to happen is progress is slow much like ripples leaving an otherwise calm pond. Things get better almost linearly (is that a word?)instead of all at once. I still want to feel really good someday but I know that is still a future event. Roll with the punches and try not to throw any back ( I did ). Try to not hate her for what she has done. I fight this one everyday. Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically. Remember this. Be attractive and desireable but not just for her. Assume that it may be over and be prepared to give your love to someone new. It isn't a "plan" it is a "mindset" that just may happen. I don't walk on eggshells anymore and I never will again. Either she loves me and wants to be with me or she doesn't, I will survive and be happy either way. It is hard to get to that place but it sure is tranquil. You are on your way but stay balanced as you go.
A good friend of mine told me to get my strength back or I wouldn't make it. I did and you are on the same path I was. "No matter how beautiful the woman, some man somewhere is tired of her crap". MLC WAW version "No matter how much you love the woman, at some point you may get tired of her crap". Don't give up but don't be "abused either.
I keep meaning to e-mail Michelle my success story but I don't have the time. This board will help you succeed if there is any chance so keep heading what the wise ones say. One more thing, "She will some day come around but will you be there when she does?"
You got some great advice.. I think joint c is for both of you to deal with issues, and if you want to deal with just yours, then go alone. Our c really did not want to take sides, and recommeded maybe h going to another one by himself. Do what you want to. I don't think I would mention the upcoming session. See if she does. Sue
I'm just wondering. Does the same apply to a really handsome husband?
My heart aches when I look at my husband, to me he is beautiful. Not so much in action though. He can be beautiful in action when he tries, he just doesn't try very much.
So, does the same apply to men? No matter how beautiful the man, someone somewhere is getting tired of his crap?
Well, I've read all your posts all week. Saoked in the knowledge and wise words, and have started to look at my actions, my feelings. Here is what I have come up with!
I HAVE detached more than I ever thought I would...that in itself is not bad. It is an emotional detachment that brings me peace and trabquility.
I HAD also detached physically...no contact, no desire to spend ANY time with my wife. This HAS to change. We are parents and former lovers. We will have contact for the rest of our lives...I must get over the anger, focus on ME, not her, and learn to enjoy her company again (More on this later )
I must let her deal with her issues, not let her affect me, listen and shut up. There will be no fixing...of her, her situation or otherwise. That means letting her deal with our daughter when she has her and her guilt when she does not. So, I must start to initiate SOME contact, but not interfere with her time with d. And I will longer run to her assistance everytime she has a hard time with the little one! Or everytime she is lonely. MY time with daughter is just as important and I will not always welcome my wife because she is lonely and misses us (daughter mostly )
On the idea of enjoying her company again, I have, in the last two days, made some attempts to reconnect: I called just to say hi! She seemed puzzled, but pleased. This morning, while running errands 2 blocks from her office, I dropped in unannounced, brought her a coffee, did NOT stay, said have a good day. Again, she lokked surprized, but pleased! Our little one is going to a B-day party...I am going too , I went out, bought a gift, called my wife to tell her what I bought, and simply stated "I will add your name to the card." Silence, and then a thank you. She seemed down, so I told her. She said that she will miss our daughter for the upcoming week (It is my week starting tonight) and then simply added "But that is how its gonna be from now on right?" More a question than a statement. I said nothing...if it does remain that way, it is not really my decision...so I said nothing, will not fall for it anymore, will not appease or amplify her guilt and loneliness. Not out of anger...simply can no longer FIX her or try to! As she was seeming down, I was seeming up beat. I told her to have a nice weekend and that was it! Very cheerfull and no comments on her comments .
Other than that...I am me, I am happy, she is affecting me less and less. The ball is truely in her court...she must move next for I will not (I will move, simply not vecessarily in her direction! ).
So you want my 2 cents worth?! ... actually, kinda wish Tbone was hear to chime in. Back in June and July, he was going through much of what you are now. You may want to scan his threads from that time period.
). Try to not hate her for what she has done. I fight this one everyday. Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically. Remember this. Be attractive and desireable but not just for her. Assume that it may be over and be prepared to give your love to someone new. It isn't a "plan" it is a "mindset" that just may happen. I don't walk on eggshells anymore and I never will again. Either she loves me and wants to be with me or she doesn't, I will survive and be happy either way. It is hard to get to that place but it sure is tranquil. You are on your way but stay balanced as you go.
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