That rollercoaster ride is sure getting bumpy again. I don't really have anything to add that the others have not touched on. If you are ok with her coming to parade then great, if not could you really tell her no? She seems to want to please you, yet she is so unsure of what she wants. SUe
This IS supposed to be a Q & A thread right? Well, here goes. I know Monday is a far way off, but I am already thinking about our C session. Even though I feel like I am detaching more than I ever have, I still feel like I should use these sessions to try and work on my marriage...mostly by obligation at this point, since my wife is willing to come along. I have the opportunity to go with my wife, but dont really feel like her coming along! I think I would like to go alone, but also feel like I HAVE to allow her the chance of accepting or refusing to come. I also worry of the message I would be sending to my wife by asking her NOT to come. My plan for the moment is simply not to mention it to my wife, if she askes about our session and wether I want her to come or not and then answering that she can come if she wants but that it is not becessary. But then I would be lying. I DONT WANT her to come! I think I need to talk to the counseler about MY feelings, about how I feel, about my personal growth, my detachment, my anger and my wife's over reactions!
Any clue? Any 2 cents worth is worth more than 2 cents (right KAW)!
Steph P.S. Of course, I dont really have to make up my mind for 4 more days!
Thanks for your post on my thread, but you said I was in a better place than I think. I guess I just don't see what i maybe really have.
As for your c session, can't you just make an appointment and go alone? You don't need to tell w? It's not like keeping a secret from her, it is for you.I was thinking of going back to our c, alone, and I don't think I will tell my h.My h has openly told me he is talking to our minister, alone. I think it is great that he has someone, he says in c she never said it was ok to have these feelings of unsureness,of course c was under the assumption that our only problem was communication, we never really opened up. I think you have to be able to open your feelings and work on those alone before you can completely heal the hurt, anger, and junk in a m.I am hoping that h is doing that with minister. I really like her, but she is divorced and she told my h that he has to do what is right for him, and not to worry about what other people think(mainly about him needing his own space)I know they are human too, but I would guess they believe in marriage and trying to keep it together. Why am I even questioning her beliefs just because she is d???
Sorry, I was rambling.If you need to talk to c, then go alone. If you feel like you want to tell w, ask her if she might want to go solo for awhile.You seem to be able to handle her with much patience and kindness, if she does not like the idea, well.... See ya Sue
Yes I could go alone...but cant make an appaointment alone before our Monday appointment. I want her to come only out of obligation at this point. Nothing else. As a DBer, I feel I should make the most out of EVERY opportunity that presents itself. Sessions are just such opportunity. So why do I feel like she HAS to come?
steph, has your c seen you on an individual basis before?? if not s/he may not be open to talking to you alone as it effects the way s/he can treat you as a couple... some will some will not... I am not sure if your w is ready to hear you talk about the new sense of detachment you feel or even if she will believe it just yet. who generally leads the "feeling" in the c sessions? do you usually have to remind w of sessions... does she go to appease you the ole "I'm doing this just so we can get along to care for our children"
anyway without a whole lot of babble from me...if you feel you want to talk about these things with a c... I would suggest you get one of your own that is where you discuss you and your feelings, keep this one separate for the r talks. if wife still wants to or is willing to go to these sessions go and just talk about getting along...you don't have to outright say you are "detaching" or questioning your desire to work on the marital relationship it will just show in the way you are able to work at other things...remember actions speak louder than words..and reactions to the words of others are also actions that speak w no doubt see's your reaction changing... for now hush hush. LL do i make any sense?
Quoting lostlove: steph, has your c seen you on an individual basis before?? if not s/he may not be open to talking to you alone as it effects the way s/he can treat you as a couple... some will some will not...
... does she go to appease you the ole "I'm doing this just so we can get along to care for our children"
I started seeing our C ALONE in the beginning, then invited my wife...she is, in short, MY C. My wife comes at my request usually. AND YES, she is coming to "appease" me at the moment...to make the "transition" easier, to learn how we can GET ALONG in our NEW capacities!
I usually dont have to remind her, we go together...but I sometimes ask her if she still wants to come and tell her she does not need to. She usuallyb says she "wants to".
well if she wants to and you are still open to a reconcile at somepoint then I wouldn't cut her out of the sessions.. since you have moved it to a couple thing I would suggest you keep the joint sessions and make sessions for yourself as well.. you have w already going that is a good thing if you need to talk about your feelings with the c make your own sessions. If w is going just so the two of you can learn to get along then that is what you should do...learn to just get along... if you stop trying to "save the marriage" then you can just learn to get along... work on communication bla bla bla (know ya like that one) she wants the sessions go she will see the difference. LL
Thanks, now, do I ask her if she still wants to go, or do i say nothing and wait for wife to ask if I still want HER to come!
BTW, C has been sort of going towards the reconsiliation route, and my wife did not like that too much...so if I do go, do i make a point of teling C that that is NOT what we want to focus on!
don't ask but I would let her come if she wants to... try to keep the focus just on getting along with eachother and not on reconcile.. remember c is not there to lead he is there to guide. LL
