You know what, it takes way too much energy to be sad, angry and resentful. It is much easier to be happy.
H just called from work to let me know what was up, because of the weather things are a little hectic so while he hopes to be home by lunchtime he really has no idea. The old depressed me would have been sad and dissappointed and my tone of voice probably would have told him as much but today the happy me remained upbeat, kept the conversation light and told him how great I slept after last night. He started to downplay it like "aw shucks" but I told him being with him is great!!
So me and the kids will go about our day and when he comes home (no matter what time) I will hug and kiss him and be happy contrary to how I might actually be feeling.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Just journaling here as I like to have a record of things to look back on later.
It is now 1:00 my time and no sign of H. He starts work at 4:30 a.m. on Saturdays and usually works about 5 hours therefore he must have went somewhere. Seems he always does this when I don't have to work since he doesn't have to come home to take care of the kids (maybe I should just work 7 days a week).
I know I said that I would try to be loving, compassionate and happy but I really HATE being lied to. If we are to make this M work we both need to be honest with eachother - end of story.
I will not tolerate lies anymore. Not from anyone! I am going to think of a calm and rational way to discuss this with him today. Will see what happens. (Or I could wait for our tax refund and bolt
Believe me, I KNOW exactly those thoughts and feelings...the resentment of being stuck home while H is out doing who knows what, the disappointment of knowing he is at the very least being closed about what he's up to (and just don't go to the worst-case-scenario), the frustration of knowing that to have a happy marriage, you need to face challenges together.
I know you're just journaling, but take a minute to read your list of conclusions above 5 times before you move on for the day. It'll help keep you on track!
Ok, for my own sake I am printing my goals here again:
1. To love my H with all of my heart no matter what he was or wasn't doing in return. 2. To be the type of person (fun, happy, loving) that H would want to come home to and spend time with. 3. Banish negative thoughts from my mind and be grateful for all of the good things in my life.
He did come home a little after I posted, very quiet. While we were having lunch I asked him if anything was wrong, he of course said nothing was wrong that he was just tired and went upstairs to take a nap.
Sure he is tired, I would be tired too living a double life
So me and the kids will go about our day and when he comes home (no matter what time) I will hug and kiss him and be happy contrary to how I might actually be feeling.
Just be happy for what is, and little things.... like.... your kids have a dad they can see every day and not just every other weekend. Your kids have a father who is raising them and not some other woman's child/children. Your husband lives at your house, has his stuff there and spends a great deal of his free time with you and the kids. His car is at the house when he's home!!! (I can't tell you how sad it made me feel seeing the empty driveway when my husband didn't live with us). Most nights (if not all) he's next to you in bed and you can reach over and touch him....
These are just some of the things I'm thankful for at this point. I can't say my husband will stay with me or be with me tomorrow. But for little things and him just being here for now I'll be thankful for that. And in the meantime I'll keep working on being just happy with myself.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
