From what you wrote, I can see your concern. I don't have kids myself, but it's very reasonable to not to want to bring D home when Mum isn't answering the phone and obviously not there.
It does sound like she's having some 'independence' issues. Perhaps she's feeling more pressure in regards to her independence since you backed off. Perhaps she now realizes that as a single parent she won't be able to come and go without it affecting your child. And therefore may be taking it out on you even though it's her choice.
I know you don't want to waste time trying to get into her head. But I wanted to tell you that you are being reasonable in my eyes. Just in case you needed to 'hear' it.
Have you considered telling her that in your opinion she over-reacted? That you put your daughter first over either her needs or yours. That you don't appreciate her treating you this way?
