Everything went ok for awhile. H seemed happy to be home. Then right before bed I snooped.....should have used the duct tape on my fingers! Checked his cell phone and found 8 text messages from his new friend. Problem was he could tell I had looked. There were two times that he called her early in the morning before he called me. Right now I am very sad that he doesn't care about my feelings. I am at the point I want to stop caring about us. Guess I really shouldn't be in piecing any more. Matilda
Matilda,
You said in a post that you would like to be able to stay interested in your H's activities, without checking on him. This sounds like you're ready to "Do Something Different." Can you identify a step you can take that would move you closer to achieving that goal?
This is a tough pattern for you to break. You will have to do it one step at a time. Don't be upset with yourself that you fall back into the old pattern. Work on identifying, practicing, and rewarding yourself for small improvements.
I think you're ready to try!
Concerned_Listener
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 01/24/0706:11 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Yes,CL, this is what I said on your thread in case any one else reads this:
I need to find the balance between acting interested about my H's day when he is away from home without it sounding like I'm checking up on him. I obviously have not done well with this so far.
I am proud of myself for I haven't snooped since my last post. Last weekend H and I went out together to listen to a friend who is in a band.I made a point of saying how much I enjoyed his company! (and I resisted saying how happy I was NOT to be with "the group"). The other night we were out with his brother and SIL (but not the two single female friends who are part of "the group"). I haven't laughed so hard in years. It really felt good!
Things at work are really busy....big inspection just 10 days away. Guess that gives me something else to worry about instead of wondering who H is/isn't talking to. Next big hurdle will be the game on Sunday. Will I be invited to go along? Matilda
Matilda, I applaud you on your efforts at keeping yourself from snooping since your last post! You sound like you're really working at it. This is certainly a 180 for you.
I also want to let you know how important your pick-me-ups are to me. My chin sometimes is dragging on the floor, and it helps to be reminded to "keep your chin up."
I know you know what I'm going thru.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
H just called (away on business, but due back tomorrow) and asked if I wanted to go to a local bar to watch the game. Now that he asked me to go with him I don't need to go. I wonder by not going if it will show him I trust him and give him some feeling of space OR will he think I'm not interested in being with him??? (I would much rather watch the game at home instead of at a smokey bar, but H would rather be with a crowd).
One of my recent projects was to sign up for a boating course at our local community college. Since H bought a boat (after he decided he didn't want a D), I decided I wanted to become an active participant and help make this something that will bring us closer. Class is Friday nights. H called while I was there and talked to D16. Apparently she just told him I was "out". Today when he called I decided to play along with being mysterious and not remind him about the boating class. I never was very good about adding mystery to my life, but maybe D16 did it for me. Matilda
Today when he called I decided to play along with being mysterious and not remind him about the boating class. I never was very good about adding mystery to my life, but maybe D16 did it for me. Matilda
Matilda, Your daughter was the catalyst, but you accepted the opportunity to remain mysterious. Again, a significant change in pattern for you. It was a tentative step, but new habits are tentative.
Good for you for taking a risk. I hope you see something positive in the R (or even more importantly, yourself), from this experiment.
It is difficult to know what to do with invitations. We're supposed to be detaching, yet staying connected to positives. How badly does he want you to go? If he really wants you to go, perhaps you can set some limits around how long you stay--make an appearance out of courtesy. Then, to set limits, you can leave when you find yourself getting really annoyed with the crowd, unless you find yourself enjoying the crowd more than you realized.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm home watching the Super Bowl. When H got home he asked what I decided. I said I thought I'd stay home and get some things done and keep D16 on task with homework. I really have lots to do here since I worked yesterday and half of today. He simply said "ok" and was out the door. Obviously it was not important to him that I go with him. However, I actually feel ok about it because I did not feel like I was being excluded; it was just my choice not to go. Hopefully we are on the way to better communication. One of these days we'll be waltzing together again! Matilda
I wonder by not going if it will show him I trust him and give him some feeling of space OR will he think I'm not interested in being with him??? (I would much rather watch the game at home instead of at a smokey bar, but H would rather be with a crowd).