you make perfect sense, to me at least. when i married and then had my children I assumed (and wanted) that i would spend my time with h and kids, when h decide he wasn't sure (and then was sure he didnt want to be with me) I pulled away from him, in pulling away from him it unfortunatly meant i would also be spending less time with my kids that actually were my whole life. so on sundays instead of enjoying family time... i started enjoying me time instead, at first yes i did feel guilty like i was robbing my children of time with me.. but then realized that by being there i was not only robbing h of HIS time with them but I was also robbing myself of my me time. you will not be hurting your d by not being there during mommy time, you may be giving her a gift of a mommy d relationship that cannot exist when daddy is there to pick up the peices for mommy.
i will admit that when i started to not be around during daddy time it was to send a message.... if he doesn't want to be a family i wont play happy family for him when he visits. did that message hurt the kids??? don't know daddy and kids seemed to form a bond during those times, daddy actually learned to handle things on his own and soon realized that the effort (getting your but out on the ice) gives a huge payoff, the admiration of the child and the pleasure of knowing you gave of yourself (getting on the ice when you'd rather watch from the bench (w)) to make them happy.
It makes perfect sens, but I do think you must be one of the most wonderfull people in the world. Because you let go of your husband comletely and focused on your children solely! I thought I was doing the same thing, but when I read your post, I realized that I was using ANY family time as an opotunity to get closer to my wife, and make an impression, and to state my case. Of course I enjoy the time with my daughter...always have...even when we were together, I was always the one to do things with my daughter...but I always resented my wife for not wanting to do things as a family. Actualy, that was a great part of our break up...I wanted to ALWAYS do things as a family, she didn't. Now, I HAVE to simply let go, give her what she has asked for, continue to do things with my daughter (as I have always done) and let go of wife AND daughter when it is not my time! It hurts as hell. It is sooo quiet here when my daughter is away at mom's, to quiet, not natural, not supposed to be. But my chalenge is to make the best of the time I DO have with her, and let my wife live as she has decided to do!
The scariest part is that I KNOW that I will be fine, I will be happy. If not with my wife, with someone else. But I would so much rather that it be with my wife! But that is no longer my decision.
Letting go. Feel at peace. This is my last evening with my daughter for a week. I have had a great week. No regrets. I have created new wonderfull memories for her and me. I love my daughter, she loves me. I will ALWAYS be there for her. Hope my wife is up to it as well. But I have to give her a chance to be now. I will NOT go skating, although it is what I would LOVE to do!
My daughter has been asking for her mother. Not crying or anything, just a bit sad. I have a hard time with that, but I think I have coped quite well: I give her a hug, tell her I love her, tell her her mother loves her, and say that she will soon see her mother. She asked if we would go skating soon (incredible, what two year olds remember and process...cant under- estimate them ). I told her I would not be there, but that she and Mom would be spendoing some special time just the two of them.
LL, you have inspired me to be the best damn father I can. Not super Dad. Dad ready to give up time with her for her sake! It hurts but feels good at the same time! Thank you LL, you have given me clarity, inner peace, and the strength to live, be happy no matter what. And most important of all, let my wife live and be happy, with or without me.
Steph, you have discovered a new phase in your r. It sounds like it is what you need to do now for you. I don't have young children to be able to interact with h, so I don't really have any reason to call him. I just wish I knew if he would like me to. i was gooing to tell him that i miss him, but maybe a week is tooooo soon to say that.
Your d will be ok if you are not there for everything, as long as she knows you will always be there for her. Enjoy your new peace, you deserve some r and r. Sue
At the risk of seeming petty, here is a question for all of you!
My wife is still covered under my work place insurance...so she is still able to claim all of her medical expenses under this insurance and does (i.e. her birth control pills). Also, she is still listed as sole beneficiary of my life insurance policy.
In keeping with the idea off "detachment" and giving her what she has asked for (complete seperation), I sometimes feel I should change my insurance policies to reflect my situation: My wife would no longer be covered under my insurance plan. I would name my daughter as sole beneficiary of my life insurance...under a trust in my father's name.
Yet she hasn't filed for divorce yet! Should I wait or cut her off...stop being mister nice guy at the risk of angering her?
Quote: The scariest part is that I KNOW that I will be fine, I will be happy. If not with my wife, with someone else. But I would so much rather that it be with my wife! But that is no longer my decision.
Oh where have I seen these words before ... ah yes ... less than six months ago, Tbone typed those very same thoughts and now he is happily toghether with his W again!
I mention this only to ease your doubts and fears you have about whether your choices you are making now will take you two further apart. It appears your journey is taking you to "places" others have been to before on their way to reaching what we are all striving for. As you learn from the lessons on your journey to improving Steph to be a much more fulfilled individual and make your choices based on those lessons, there is much hope that you will reach the success that others before you have. Have faith Steph. You are travelling in the right direction.
In my opinion Steph, I would continue to act "as-if" you two will eventually get back together again and hold off such changes until it becomes more evident it is not going to work out.
Through out our M, W & I always pooled our finances into a single joint savings and checking accounts. When I came home from work in Feb to a note saying she left me, I went to the bank the very next morning, not knowing what her intentions were, to transfer our life savings into an individual account. While she moved back in a week later, it stuck in her like a thorn in her side that I had done that for several months after that. When she annouced in the spring her intent to move out again, and despite outside advise to the contrary, I still continued to keep our checking joint to avoid drive more of a wedge between us and waited to see what she would do, but I did monitor the account balances on a daily basis by internet. Only when I discovered on the very day she created seperate accounts for herself and transfered funds from our joint account to hers, did I then take action to close the joint accounts. This however infuriated her to the point of not speaking to me. I was then expecting D papers to be served to me at any time. Still we overcame all that but now we are still inconvienced by not having the total accessibility to our finanaces we once had.
because my children and i are covered under my h both for medical and financial support this is not a question I was ever faced with, BUT I would not recomend you do anything as rash as making such changes. if you are feeling like the "good guy" by still providing in this manner for your w. stop don't think you are doing it for your w think you are doing it for your d, you want her to have a healthy mom and therefore providing mom with health coverage is a good idea. if however you'd like to add d to your life insurance policy that may not be a bad idea, not because of the current sit but because you want your d to appear on your policy as a benificiary.
and hey it's not a bad thing if you are realizing that you WILL be ok with or without w, it is a healthy thing.... you are realizing that your happiness does not depend on another being part of your life it depends on you and that is what detachment is all about. LL
Steph, don't change the ins., I cover my h under my health ins, and yes 8 mos ago when all this started downhill, I was going to change it and then I realized we are still m, and since he moved, he has sep chking act, and I kept joint and he is very generousley putting 1/2 into it, so step back and take a deep breath. I might take you up on writing to you, thanks! Sue
I wouldn't change anything unless you have/want to. When I went and talked to a lawyer for advice she said if we did split that beneficiaries should be left as they are so that the surviving spouse has the money to raise the children, makes sense. As far as the health insurance, I started my new job after our separation and have requested coverage for my H (we own our own contracting business and we were not previously covered, too expensive), I feel it's only fair, I don't hate my H, I love him.
Our finances remain as they have always been, joint. Nothing has changed other than the fact that my H is not living here. He doesn't want to split/change anything because he has a "feeling", whatever that means. I'm cool with that for now.
We have(had) a joint account at a different bank from the one we deal with because my work cheques are direct deposit through there. When I found out he went away with OW back in July, I closed out the account and opened a new one, transfering the money to the new one, now he doesn't have access to this account. My intention was that the money was for me and my kids to survive, not knowing what was going to happen. My H still does not know that I did this (we don't use the account that often) and I still feel awful about doing this. It is the only deceptive thing I have ever done to H and even though I may have been justified, it bothers me inside.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
Quote: The scariest part is that I KNOW that I will be fine, I will be happy. If not with my wife, with someone else. But I would so much rather that it be with my wife! But that is no longer my decision.
steph, don't let this feeling scare you it is exactly how you should feel, isn't it what we all talk about in regard to the was, love is a choice?? no you don't depend (well shouldn't anyway) on another to live and live happily. so realizing that you WILL be fine with or with out wife, is not a bad thing or a scary thing it is a good thing. LL
estimate them 
). I told her I would not be there, but that she and Mom would be spendoing some special time just the two of them.