I don't know whether we're piecing or being pieced, but I know the W is p*ssed. And I could use some X-pert advice, pronto.
Long and short of it: BIG sticking point - W cannot STAND (not at all) Merder's parents.
W feels underappreciated by them, mistreated, generally crapped on. Merder's Ps are not particularly sensitive (not Frankenstein, but not Gandhi either, not by a long shot), and have said a number of very asinine things to her over the aeons.
Merder stands accused of letting it all go by - and he's guilty, even though he's done his part to try to fix-it-up. The Ps are not devilish, but they've bedeviled Merder's efforts to structure a mode of understanding between the parties concerned.
Speaking of hell, W's temper about this is something to behold.
How to get past it?
Anyone with experience in forgiveness issues? Merder's a-listening 'till his ears are melting, and then some. Good thing Merder is such a donkey, 'cause there's a whole lotta to hear 'bout this. He just needs some sort of Yoda to guide him through the rocky road to recovery.
My H is the same way and his parents sound just like yours. Without specifics however, it is hard to determine if your wife's anger is typically justified or if she is just projecting her anger in general on your parents. Have you asked your W what she would like you to do? If she said she wanted you to walk away from your parents, could you? Perhaps you need to stand up to your folks and let them know what you expect with regard to their treatment of your W?
If my H had defended me to his bi-polar, prescription drug addicted mother years ago, things would have been much better between us and I would have had much more respect for my H.
Good luck!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
I think the main thing here is Merder that you need to stand up for your W, she needs to be numero uno in your life. Your parents are not there to belittle her, and if they are doing that, you need to defend her and/or tell your parents it is not acceptable behaviour and you won't allow it to happen. If they have a problem with that, it is something you and them have to deal with. It really isn't up to your W. She is stuck in the middle of it and that's unfair.
Its your parents. If you feel they are unjustified in their comments, you need to step up to the plate and say so. It is not her place to defend herself while you sit on the sidelines.
Not being harse with you here, but I've been where your W is and it a tough call. You don't want to come across as rude but at the same time your own S, who is supposed to stand by you, is not saying anything to defend you either.
Hope that helps a little
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Merder's been a bit spineless with the Ps, that's for sure. So I'm hearing you when you all say "step up to bat."
To that end, Merder's had some long talks with the Ps, not all of which were all that pleasant. Thing is, they think that they've been treating the W right all this time. (Talking about more than a decade, most of which the W couldn't take them.)
See, it's the little stuff they do - not being all that warm, offering their unsolicited opinions about "burying the hatchet" with the W's Ps, not recognizing the long-term effects of child abuse with a sort of "put it behind you" attitude, etc, etc.
Not evil-evil, but not as empathetic as could be imagined.
Now Merder didn't really understand how much it hurt his W. He thought she would brush it off or whatever. He's used to the way they are and takes it in stride.
In short, Merder was too dumb to realize things from HER perspective. Which made him look like butt-hole numero uno.
When W walks out the door, Merder miraculously awakens, at least in part. But man! How much does it take to remove the scales from the eyes?
And, I TOTALLY agree with BND and Heyewire - they are right on. I was a total wussbag with my parents and stood by and let my parents walk on my W and me. Last year was probably the hardest for THEM as I took control of my left (finally!) and stepped up.
You're W needs to be first in your eyes and make that obvious to your folks. I did and while they did not agree at first (they BLAMED all of the separation on her, that it was wrong, it was her fault, etc.) they have seen the light and they have taken steps to fix it. And, I stand ready to rip bad behaviour.
Your wife is looking for a leader - someone to defend and not back down to others - especially your parents. You need to be direct with your parents that you won't tolerate them treating her (and you) badly....
Good luck.
Sven
Last edited by SvenTheRed; 02/02/0710:26 PM.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I think Merder is replying in the third person because it is easier to deal with the pain when you can pretend it isn't you you're talking about.
Once again Merder, time to step up to the plate and accept some blame here (we have lots of 2x4's to offer you - lol)
Don't mean to be harsh but it is what it is
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Merder's doing the third person thing because it is utterly unlike anything he would normally write. He is concerned about who might be reading this.
In real life, he is not quite this annoying.
The pain is very intense, by the way. Making reference to some sort of distanced alter ego doesn't help much.
How to show the W that I'm standing up for her? We are separated and she will have nothing to do with my Ps. There are no "productive" talks about this issue. Anything said just leads to a new memory of how much she loathes them.
Like I said, I can empathize here to beat the band. My parents (and in my case other family members) didn't treat WAW well at ALL. And, I lived through exactly what you are going through - any small reference to parents brought back all kinds of issues - and usually a reference to something that happened 10 years ago.
For any WAS, they will stick to their guns until 1) ownership of the problem is taken (that's yours) and 2) different behaviour is consistently displayed.
What does not work (didn't in mine) is 1) trying to explain away your parents actions or defend in any way. 2) Minimize your WAW's feelings of hurt and anger or 3) expect that if you do nothing, that the issue will blow over and go away.
What worked for me, was a strong admission BY me that I let it get out of hand. I seconded this by deciding that I would choose the marriage relationship ahead of all others (except perhaps God's) including my parents and siblings and I made it clear to them that this was the case. I was not passive aggresive about it either. I told them flat out that they are either with me or against me and if I was going to save my M, I needed them with me. This took time for them to swallow, but it is bearing fruit. I further then showed by W and my parents that I meant business. Lastly, I was patient - this does NOT fix itself overnight.
In the meantime, I GAL'd my arse off to make myself the obvious choice over an OM. And won. Still lots of way to go, but time is on my side.
So, Merder, time to get to work. I'm with Heywire that you need to own up to this - big time. Without promises of what the future would bring (from your parents), but that you screwed up in the past. Then you need to have it out with your parents to shape up or ship off. I would not own up to this by initiating an R discussion, let you W do that. However, when she does, own it, agree and validate and leave it for that.
Then, let your actions speak for themselves. Know that most convo's on the topic with your WAW will not be productive right now - so A/V all you can. Paraphase back so that you understand the hurt and can have an action plan for the future.
You're move....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
