Thanks Kaw...I was thinking of simply not calling or showing up, but this is where the negative vibes were going to come into play...by simply stating that I may have other things to do, by asking permission, I do plant a seed.
Quote: I also expressed that there would be a limit to what I would be patient with and therefore there was a danger she may cross a line where I would determine the M was not worth saving and there would be a point of no return.
And this is what you told me not long ago, and it is where I am heading! I no longer wish to be the oonly one initiating any contact and family time and yes, she will need to make a decision. Skate alone with D, or invite me, but ONLY if she wishes to! That way, it is on her terms!
I found your new thread, Steph. Been thinking that you were still 'out sick'.
I've got to agree with what a lot of people have already said. Your wife has got to learn how to be a mom on her terms. And even though you want the best for your child, and are afraid that she will miss out, I believe that it's really not in your hands.
I'm afraid, from what your wife has said, that you are an easy target for her to blame when things don't go perfect between her and your daughter. If you take yourself out of the equation, your wife might begin to gain clarity into how her actions impact her relationship with DD.
And I have to agree...when it gets to the point where making things easier for Spouse means making things harder for you, then it's time to re-evaluate.
The sooner you stop making the situation easier, the sooner they have to face reality and 'grow up'.
My mom told me that the worst thing you can do to someone is to give them what they say they want.
Perhaps it's time for you to give your wife what she says she wants?
Problem with this new decision and how to go about it is I made a bit of a fuss about wanting to be there for the skating lessons. I know my wife, she will say "Just two days ago you sooo wanted to be there every time...and now you're not going to come!" So I simply reply what? "Sorry, I can be there if you want me to be, I just thought I would leave you two girls on your own and do a couple of things that need to be done on my end." She will reply that she doesn't mind me being there, that she hopes I am NOT doing this only because of what she has said and so on...ARGHH...its a game we are playing and I hate it! Back and forth. I WANT to be there, but NOT in my wife's way and NOT the one that does everything (i.e. be the only one on the ice). And I dont much feel like being around my wife these days...lots of negativity between us and a break is a welcomed change for both!
it is ok to give the response you are thinking of as to why you won't attend the skating session!! give w what she wants or rather what she thinks she wants. you will see that though it feels like a game it is not. start being there for you!!! you will feel a whole lot better!! LL
Steph, Before when the M was "normal", what was the usual patterns to your discussions where you held opposite POV's? Would you give in to her or would you change your stance after considering her POV? Was it that she mostly conceeded to you? If she becomes confrontational about changing your mind, consider doing a 180. If the pattern was you usually didn't meet eye to eye on discussions, then consider repling to the effect, that you recently been thinking about what she has said and have realized she made some valid points.
More to say! Then please, by all means, say more...who cares about work right?
A clear plan is emerging and fells better and better. My fear is that she will like my absence...but then again, if she does, then I will be no further behind then I was anyways!
Quote: My fear is that she will like my absence...but then again, if she does, then I will be no further behind then I was anyways!
perhaps in the beginging she will enjoy your absense but then as time goes by (hopefully not to much time) she will realize what she is missing with you.... you don't know what ya got til it's gone!!! LL
LL is right,
There is always risk of the outcome not turning out as intended, but the potential for a big turn around is also there. If she starts to feeling she misses you it can open her mind to much more, but first she has to MISS you, which means making yourself scarcer.
Now what was I going to say before ... oh yeah ... Sometimes the way we try to find a better way to interact in a relationship seems like playing a game, because there is an equal chance of find what work may not. It is not a game Steph. It is only trial and error. Unforunately no one has found a better way to find the answers.
Quote: I WANT to be there, but NOT in my wife's way and NOT the one that does everything (i.e. be the only one on the ice).
Steph, in order to make this work, you have to be there for your D only. The reason you are on the ice should be because it makes you and your D happy. Leave whether W is or isn't on the ice totally out of the equation of sharing you happiness with D and therefore it s not your concern. It is your W's issue to deal with and you have no say over it nor should it matter to you. Working on this attitude is key to demonstrating to her how you are just as content to enjoy what you are doing whether she is participating or not.
Quoting KAW: Steph, in order to make this work, you have to be there for your D only. The reason you are on the ice should be because it makes you and your D happy. Leave whether W is or isn't on the ice totally out of the equation of sharing you happiness with D and therefore it s not your concern.
This, for this coming Saturday's skating lesson, is my dilema! I DO so much enjoy being there and so does my daughter, but I also want to send a message. Not in a bad way, not an ultimatum, simply that I will no longer always be available, that I will do things for me, that I will not intrude on wife/daughter time. In short, that I am giving her what she has asked for! It still sounds like a game, but Saturday morning is my wife's time with d, and yes she has expressed surprise at my desire to be there, and on the ice, every single time, but I want not only send a message, but begin TRUELY doing things for me, on my time. Torn between wanting to share every single Saturday morning with my daughter...like I thought I would be when she was concieved, born and the idea, of distancing myself, giving wife what she has asked for, and start a new life for me. In short, I will start living like someone that is seperated, still in love and still dedicated to making this marriage work, but not WITH his wife.
If you take yourself out of the equation, your wife might begin to gain clarity into how her actions impact her relationship with DD.
Then please, by all means, say more...who cares about work right? 
