Still in the fight

[81388*]

When this all started, I never thought I would "lock one up" I guess I am battle tested now.

After last night's question about coming with to Chicago, this AM W was up early, cooked breakfast for everyone made a point of telling me she would make more if I wanted.

W picked D14 up from school yesterday to go dress shopping for D's V-day dance. She made a point of calling to make sure it was OK w/ me if they just stopped and got something to eat. I told her thanks for checking, but I had assumed they would, and have a good time.

D14 still wants to stay home for superbowl, I was thinking of just going on my own, but D11 really wants to go with, so maybe it will be just the two of us, or maybe S6 as well.

[81388*]

I am going to go get the kids from school, and then head out. I will check in from the windy city, anybody want to stop by my house and check on things while Im away?

W said she is staying home for the game, and making soup. The clues are all hidden for the surprize, witha big note that starts the hunt, but says DO NOT OPEN UNTIL SUNDAY A.M.

Wish me luck.

[theoden]

you got it...

theoden

[81388*]

Well here I am in Chicago, long drives are NOT conducive to PMA or high levels of detachment. D11 and S6 came with and were great on the trip. Staying with M&D, talked for awhile w/ SIL during the drive, will see her and BIL Sat, maybe MIL as well. The big game at my B's place. D11 wants to find face paint before the game. Yes, I brought a camera!

For the last decade or so, I have rarely made that drive alone, it was very sad. At the same time, I think the separation will do us both some good. I have no expectation that it will result in any positive outcomes, but I do think we could both use the space.

We have cont. to be civil, and even laugh at times which I know is really hard for me, and I suspect is not easy for her either. As we were getting ready to leave the kids were giving Mom kisses, I looked at her and made a kissy face, she smiled and said I could get a kiss from the dog. I had to bite my lip to keep from telling her I had always thought she was attractive.

[81388*]

Update, spent the day w/ family. This PM went to SIL house and visited. Had a great time, little talk about W and D, but some. I put on the brave face and limited it to "she has every right to be happy, I don't agree with her solution, but it is her choice to make.

Spent time w/ my mom and dad later in the night, I think I got them to understand me and what I was doing, and helped them to worry a little less about me. I told them that by letting her go, I was allowing her the space and freedom to choose for herself to stay. If the D comes to pass, it won't hurt any less because I tried to do everything I could to save it. The kids won't be any more or less traumatized because of this way vs. the alternative, and there would be ample time for me to deal w/ my own emotions. My emotional pleas have not and will not bring me any closer to a solution to the problem which is acceptable to me.

They were ultimately very supportive of my choice, and I reiterated that when everything is said and done, I wanted there to be no regrets, I wanted to know in my heart and in my mind that I have done everything possible to make my marriage work.

Sleep well my fellow DBers, and may tomorrow bring us all one baby step closer to our goals.

[81388*]

Well here I am in Chicago, keeping busy but missing my W. I would have never imagined celebrating this game w/out her.

SIL helped us find face paint and blue hair spray for D11, she is psyched about doing the game up right!

Sister and nephews are on their way over to visit, then off to brother's for the game.

I hope all you football fans have a great day and a safe night.
GO BEARS.

[osu43130]

Sorry about the Bears 8. Honestly I wanted to see Peytn finally not choke and win one. Unfortunately I am a Browns fan so I will probably never see a Browns Super Bowl in my life time.

[81388*]

Thanks O.
Yes it is a sad, sad day in bear country. Bad Rex showed up for the big game. He hadn't been seen for awhile, but managed to find his way to miami.

Have a great day, and you never know about the Browns.

[81388*]

Update;
Since being gone for the weeekend, W has been more talkative, no R or emotions, just small stuff. She has accepted a job, which sounds like it will fit with her other activities, but is 50 miles away. I imagine she will start to look for her own place somewhere in between.

She has been offered a chance to go out of the country for a week to teach, set up in part by OM. Only problem, it is over D11 birthday. I thought at first that she was going to say that she couldn't make the trip, when will I learn, when she was telling me about the position she took, she said she already cleared the time to go teach.

I have not said anything other than "that sounds really exciting, and a great opportunity", but really want to. W has missed many other important events over the years, and we have always just kept our chins up because what she does is important, and we thought we were doing it for her as part of a family and out of love for her. Now, I just want to yell at her, "YOU HAVE BECOME THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN."

On other occaisions, she has missed things because she had to go, this time she is going to miss her own D's birthday because she chooses to. She is not getting paid for this trip, and I don't know if the OM is going along or not, she hasn't said, only that he helped set it up.

This is why I find it so difficult to compete with OM. He has all the connections to promote my W career, and make a way for her to finally get the recognition she has deserved all along, I have been totally supportive of her over the years, willingly doing whatever I could to help her develop and grow and take on more responsibility, but I could never take her to the next level. We had developed a way for that to happen, but it was bogging down, and I really wasn't able to do everything she needed to make it work, and she had said several times that she can't do it alone.

As much as it hurts to say this, the more I think about this whole situation, the more I see that it is this issue of "pursuing the dream" that is most driving this whole thing. After the bomb, during one of her few comments on why she was doing this, she said she just had to try and make this work, and she would never forgive herself if she didn't try. This was in response to the opportunity to do what she does on a professional level.

I have never told her she couldn't, or shouldn't do this, I have gone out of my way to try and make it possible. Again, as I think more about this it starts to make sense. Keeping in mind that I have known this woman for 26 years, OM is not the type that she has ever expressed the slightest interest in. In many ways he is the opposite physically, of what she has always been attracted to.

I have said before that I think the reason she WILL NOT discuss any of this with me is because she is scared to death that she will get talked out of doing what she is doing. Oh, I know she is convincing herself that they were made for each other, and that he is saving her from her horrible relationship, and I am sure OM is doing a great job of feeding her self esteem and providing a wonderful fantasy where she can have it all, and keep me around to care for the kids, but deep down inside Iknow she knows what she is doing is wrong. She is throwing her H and kids under the bus to pursue a job opportunity!

I really don't know what to do at this point, between the A, choosing to miss B-day, refusal to even talk about things, cont. to cake eat,etc. I am as close as I have been to just telling her to leave.

Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.

[theoden]

8,

I'm sorry this hurts do much.

Take a deep breath. Pray. Ask God to clarify things. Ask him for wisdom and. Panic won't solve anything. God can turn this around in an instant. He's already at work. It's never too late. Time is on your side. God is shaping these events, however painful, for your ultimate good. He hasn't fallen asleep on the job. Ask him to remind you of his love for you and his Fatherly concern. Feeling, knowing and basking in his love for you makes all the other stuff a little less daunting.

Looks like your getting a better idea of what OM gives her: validation, self-esteem. Perhaps that part of her that he "feeds" is really a wonderful and authentic part of her. Maybe you can pray that God gives you a vision to "see" that part of her more clearly. Ask God to show you how to love that part of her. Give thanks to God that you have a little more information. Run with it. Your not competing with the OM. It's not even a contest. You are better than the OM. You are walking in light and truth, you are filled with self-less love, you are fighting for your marriage and family. He's a grasping, manipulative, home-wrecking, SOB.

You are noble and relentless hunter of the heart and you are creatively and passionately pursuing your wife so that she knows what real love is.

You can tell her that you would like to stay for D birthday, but if she feels the trip is really important, you understand. Be nice, non-pressuring. Accept her decision.

Truth is, why do you want her to stay for D birthday? Your wife, right now, cares about herself more than anyone else. This is one of those symptoms. It's part of the profile. She only cares about her career, her feelings, her happiness, etc. It's all about her. She feels right now, if she doesn't take care of herself in this way she'll suffocate. It will disappoint your daughter. But you will be there for your daughter. Perhaps daughter needs to realize what kind of mom she has. Perhaps she needs to realize that daddy's the one who's really there for her. You don't need trash-talk her mom. Just let mom do what she wants, and she'll see her for who she really is.

And yes, she might end up being with OM that week. And yes, they probably will have sex.

Get over the fact, that right now, your wife would feel relieved if you died. Perhaps right now you might feel relieved if she got in a fatal accident. I've felt that. It happens. People's feelings change.

Missing D's birthday is no big deal. Don't sweat it.

As I've said. If she's having an affair, you have the moral right to divorce her. If you don't want to divorce her, you'll have to suffer horrific pain in the hope of winning her back. It can be done. It's just costly.

What do you want? How badly do you want it?

How much pain are you willing to go through to achieve what you want?

That's why you need to GAL. You need strength for the battle.

If you want to save your marriage, don't tell her to leave. She'll leave on her own if she really wants to.

If she wants the divorce, don't co-operate. Let her file, let her do all the work.

If, on the other hand you are fed up and you want *exclusive custody of the children* and want to divorce her, then, perhaps hire a Private Investigator and get proof of the affair. You might divorce her for cause. Be careful. The state may still give her patial custody even if you can prove adultery. If, in the end, you only get them on weekends, regardless of your legal wranglings, then why bother?

I'm rooting for you bro.

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the angels and the saints are on your side.

--Theoden