Steph, it seems that our spouses are afraid to let their feelings show, and that must be where our patience will come in. You have made small steps in the right direction, your w just is not sure. Keep doing what seems right to you. Sue
I've also noticed that much of this has been on my terms and not hers. Well, perhaps not my terms, but I have initiated much of the contact, the time spent together. She has accepted many times and has said she enjoys the time spent together, but now I DO believe I must let HER take the initiative...if she chooses to! This is a scary prospect! My only hope is that she will miss the time together and come around, but I have NO control over that any more.
Oddly enough, I feel a certain level of peace I haven`t felt in a long time . I did feel this a couple of months ago...that`s when she started opening up again, but I rushed things, and dictated some of the terms! Time to try a new approach and try NOT to backslide this time!
Question: Last weekend's skating lesson was rough (go back and read...wife was hungover and not pleasant and not into it). She said to me on Monday night "Do we really all have to be on the ice?" I told her it would be nice...but I did not want to force her into anything. BUT, this Saturday, she has our daughter and therefor is in charge of taking her to the skating lessons. I feel like doing one of many things
Going to the lessons...cause I want to for my daughter and bringing my skates and being on the ice...as I told my wife I wanted to!
Waiting to see if my wife asks me to come
Not going at all and letting my wife deal with single motherhhod...since I DO believe I have been making life a tad easy for her by ALWAYS being there when it came to our daughter
. I am torn between REALLY letting her go, letting her live the REAL single mother life...like I have never done since the seperation (she may very well view this in a confrontational light) and the fact that I truely ENJOY these moments with my daughter! I WANT to go skating with her!
Anyways, I hope all are doing well...much traffic on the BB, I'll try and catch up to you guys!
Quote: Going to the lessons...cause I want to for my daughter and bringing my skates and being on the ice...as I told my wife I wanted to! Waiting to see if my wife asks me to come Not going at all and letting my wife deal with single motherhhod...since I DO believe I have been making life a tad easy for her by ALWAYS being there when it came to our daughter
if this is your wifes scheduled time to be with d, then let her be with d. if she asks you to come along then you decide to accept or not. and you need not always be there for her (w) when it comes to your d. children need parents yes but they do not always need both of them at the same time. just as you are able to be there for your d without the help of your w, let w be able to be there for d without your help. the way you say giving her a taste of single motherhood sounds a tad angry, (but then again i am just reading words) yes it is true she will have to learn that even though she may not want to be a w, she is and always will be a mother that is something she cannot chose, perhaps it would be best for you to stay away when it is mommy time, let her learn to appreciate the time and get her butt out ont he ice with d. LL
Steph, In trying to achieve the proper balance in time spent with W & D, consider your D's schedule to be with each of her parents. When doing things w/ D during your schedule time, think of your W as the guest. It is up to you to invite her to be included in your activities with D. Then when it is your W's turn, then consider yourself the guest which should chose to be included only when invited.
The last thing you want is to be preceived as intrusive, yet will still optimize the potential time you spend with your D.
We had spoken about this before we registered for the skating lessons and had agrred that we could ALL be present. So I sort of took it as an open invitatin. PLus, these activities are usually my idea. I talked to my wife before registering d for lessons and she said it could be fun. Since then, it seems she does NOT enjoy it as much as I. She would probably prefer I be on the ice! But since this Saturday is HER time, she is also responsible for taking d to lessons. This brings up another dilema: my wife may very well NOT go to skating lessons with d and stay home watching videos. Although I also do this sometimes, I know my daughter LOVES her skating lessons (she gets SOOOO excited when the time comes) and feel very badly when my wife skips them...not because daughter doesn't want to go, but because she doesn't. I would be more than willing to let my wife stay at home and bring daughter myself, but that would be imposing on Mommy/daughter time. And yes, I know that it is my wife's choice to go or not, but if we were together, I would bring daughter every week, now she may miss out!
LL, did not want to sound angry, I think I was only trying to state a fact: My wife has had a lot of help and has spent very few weekends alone with our daughter. She is not the type to organize many activities and has, in the resent past, depended on me to do so. She has enjoyed this time together, but has never had to go at it alone (i.e. skating lessons). I have, and I am NOT complaining about it, I enjoy it, but I dont think my wife realizes how much work it is...if it is too much work, she will simply forgo the skating lessons. And that would be a shame..cause my daughter really does enjoy it! So I am stuck between wanting to give all I can to my daughter, and leaving it up to mom.
That still sounds bad doesn't it? Its not meant to be. I am having a hard time choosing the proper wording here to express what it is I feel!
steph, I understand how you feel, you don't want your d to miss out on something she enjoys just to show your wife that you wont be there for her, but this is the way it is, if mommy keeps letting d down then she will have no one to blame when d continues to be cold to her.
before my separation, I did all (well h would come up and kiss s good night) h did what he wanted came and went at his choosing and most often chose not to be around. when we separated h came to see the kids on set nights and on sundays... at first i stayed to help with the kids as i knew daddy's way tended to be tv plus he hadn't spent much time alone with son let alone be left alone with two of them (son 3 and d 6 months at the time) well on this past fathers day (in the past I would have had both families over for a bbq) i left h alone with two kiddos and went off to do whatever i damn well pleased, had lunch with friends and once i accepted the fact that i had a right to my own life as h always had it was great i almost didn't want to go home. that day my cell phone rang 5 times!!! h calling leaving no message so he wasn't looking for diapers or anything. I continued to not be around when he was here for his visits, actually even started going out on the nights that he was here too (sometimes i'd get home late and he'd be asleep on the couch) soon i decided hey what about the weekends for me??? got h to come every other sat night and stay sunday as usual so that i could go out and not have to wake in the am... point i'm trying to make is when we make it easy for them we make it hard for ourselves. of course son had a better routine when i did it all and was always there for him but what good did it really do. thing is h didn't learn how to be a daddy or even appreciate being a daddy till I backed off and let him. yea i'm sure w would rather not get on the ice with d, but if she's given no choice (you not being there to do it for her) she may just find she enjoys it!!! LL
Quoting lostlove: steph, I understand how you feel, you don't want your d to miss out on something she enjoys just to show your wife that you wont be there for her,
Wow, maybe its cause I'm French...but you just put into words exactly what I've been trying to say for two days! Thing is, my wife will see it as a BAD thing...my not showing up. Like I'm trying to atangonize her, or I am being childish and resentfull "If she shows up all hungover and unable to skate...then I wont even bother showing up" type thing.
Although I agree with you and Kaw. Its her time with daughter...I should get out of the way, enjoy a pot of coffee and my Saturday paper for a change!
Steph, go for some alone time, your wife is a good mom right? If she chooses not to take your d to skating, it won't be the end of the world. You have been very involved on weekends with wife and d, but maybe you do need to try and back off a little. But you have to do it in a way that w does not see it as you being the bad guy.I think you have done a great job balancing all of this. You need some alone time. Sue
Quote: Thing is, my wife will see it as a BAD thing...my not showing up. Like I'm trying to atangonize her, or I am being childish and resentfull "If she shows up all hungover and unable to skate...then I wont even bother showing up" type thing.
When in doubt, ask! Approach her politely as if you have something else you are considering tending to and since it is her weekend you were wondering if it is OK if they go skating without you. Steph, you say the skating time is an agreed upon arrangement, yet she has ask to bow out herself so the precedent is set. Even, if she doesn't agree and states that she wants you there and you choose to go skating, you have placed the notion in her head that you are no longer seeking to plan all your time around her. It will have a similar impact as actually doing your own thing, yet allow you to still skate with D if that is your wish.
. I did feel this a couple of months ago...that`s when she started opening up again, but I rushed things, and dictated some of the terms! Time to try a new approach and try NOT to backslide this time!