New plan...many people have tod me not to be so available to my wife..and I think I enjoy...no, make that depend on, her company too much This morning, at skating lessons, my wife was EXTREMELY hung over from her little party last night. She did make the effort (put her alarm clock on, on a Saturday morning when she did not have our daughter) to show up and the day before she told me she wanted to come, that our daughter WAS part of her plans...but this morning, my wife was useless! Tired, hung over, feeling sick. She did not even bring her skates, she sat in the stands watching and left as soon as the lesson was over...she had actually said, right before we hit the ice, that she was NOT going to stay, that she felt too sick... but she did stay, made the effort, but she wasn't there in spirit, only in flesh. I could have done without, and my daughter as well. She was distant, distracted and could not give our daughter even two minutes of concentration. A two year old feels it. When we stopped by her place later to pick up my brother in law (going for a coffee), My daughter wouldn't even give her mother a hug . Later, once back home, she asked for her mother all night. Broke my heart, and I dont need it!
When my wife has our daughter, I am ALWAYS there to help out. Did so on Tuesday last, when I ran from my place, to the pharmacy, to my wife's, cause our daughter had a cough. My wife would NOT do that for me. I am not complaining, I did it for my daughter ,ost of all, just saying that perhaps I am there too much for her (my wife)! When I have our daughter, my wife sees her almost every day. And YES I enjoy it, but you see, she is having the best of both worlds at the moment (OK not the best, this is not something she wanted) But she gets to see her daughter and get help from her husband and live seperately and go out and neglect US!
I wasn't about to bitch at her today, and probably wont ever bring it up (at least for a long time) but tomorow, going to the museum with my daughter, I would normaly call my wife and invite her. Sometimes she comes, sometimes not. But I think I need a break. I will not call to invite her. Problem is, I would LOVE to spend time with my wife and daughter.
Is this any good ? Am I asking for trouble? Family time has been what is working lately. Am I jeopordizing that family time ? Should I jeopordize that ? I almost feel like going slightly dark, even though I am not a big fan of that particular technique.
My wife's aloofness and distance today really affected me. It WAS due to her night before, but she had promessed to be there for our daughter, was there, but wasn't at the same time.
steph, when my h first moved out, on his visit nights i still stayed around and helped with the kids, even if I was going out I still stayed to put them to bed. It wasn't working for me so I started to just leave when he would arive, after all I do spend every day and night with them so I accepted that I was not neglecting them by leaving but was neglecting my sanity if I stayed around and played "happy family" for h. it was hard to do at first and I was bothered at the fact that I had to leave my home because of h, but then i started to enjoy MY time and actually looked forward to it. not saying you shouldn't give your d family time, but if it's not working, start doing more for you!!! spend time with your d, doing things, stop inviting w, your right she is getting the best of both worlds!! perhaps it's time you got a chance at that as well... use the time when wife has d to do your own thing...and get back to YOU!!! LL
Well, things are going downhill fast, and I`m trying to minimize any damaga. My wife has been feeling guilty as hell...mostly because our daughter has been quite cold to her, she even said that she wasn`t her mother, said said grandma was her mother, a two year old saying that! My wife couldn`t take it, started accusing me (not directly) of influencing our daughter! I got mad...this is a point where I felt no nead to be up beat and pleasant. If SHE feels guilty for not being there for her daughter, it is her problem to deal with...not mine! She called back to appologize, said she`s confused and afraid and feels empty and like she is abandonning her child. How about her husband? . And her dog? Ya that`s right, she has abandonned everything of value in her life! Work is life now! Well, I hope work makes her happy!
I know this is an angry post, but that`s just the way it is right now!
We have a C session tonight...CRAP, that`ll be no holds barred affair! How can I turn the tide? I need to get back to that comfort level we had reached only a week ago!
try not to be angry, she is feeling guilty and that is not such a bad thing means she is realizing what she is doing to her family.... as you said to rachel there is no need to finger point. perhaps your anger will help you to detach a bit from her and her drama. hell my three year old refers to this house as his and when i ask who lives here he says himself,dd and me. i ask where does daddy live and he says "at his office" nice! but that is not my problem it is h's problem.
I'm not finger pointing, at least not trying to, just want to get back to where we were last week, but she is frustrating me, being very agressive and all. Trying to stay calm and remove myself from all this but at the same time, I want to fix it! Maybe that is my problem...wanting to fix everything right away...an old habit, bit of a backslide.
The problem is my wife says all is fine, no worries, everything is as it was, but it isn't, and then it comes out, aimed towards me. She aknowledged as much last night, saying she knew she was aiming everything at me and that wasn't her intention, but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth and I hate that, and want to get ride of it.
SO, tonight, before C session, the plan SHOULD be to be light hearted, up beat and just take it from there. But I am anxious, since I know that the session will be a doozy!
I'm sure it will be a doozy if she is somehow blaming you for her failing to be there for her daughter, but try to keep in mind, you cannot fix this for her, it is not your fault that she isn't fully being there right? so let it be her issue not yours, don't bring it up and when and if she does bring it up in session let it stay her issue. the only thing you can fix is how you deal with her dealing with her issues. LL
Steph, I don't have much to offer, except to be there for your d, your w still has things to work out, if you feel like too much time with her, then back off slow. My h is moving today, and I am going to wait and see if he makes contact with me, I don't want to start pursueing. I understand with small kids the contact is different, a 2 yr old really does not understand what is going on, but don't let your anger and frustration with w show with d, that is where you and w have to make the best effort to not put the other down but to try and explain in 2 yr old sense why one or the other might be sad or mad about something, They grasp more then we think. Good luck Sue
Here is what I think will be brought up in C tonight:
My wife has expressed fear of my continued attachment (i.e. strong emptions toward her) since her B-day. She says she was gratefull, but only someone with great love would do such a thing...I said "well I wouldn't do it for someone I didn't like!"
She feels that I judge her badly as a mother
She feels guilty. In her words: I feel like our daughter hates me for not being there
She fears that ALL the time we have spent together in the last month 1/2 was a bad idea...we got used to the other being there AND WORSE, our daughter got used to it as well. We are providing soemthing she may not always have!
The last one scares the crap out of me cause my wife wants to forsake all the time we spent together just to get our daughter used to the fact that mom and dad may not always be together!!! In other words, she does not want to spend ANY time together.
I called her last night to ask her to come for supper before the C session and told her I would leave her alone with our daughter and take the dog out. I told her our daughter had asked for her all weekend and was quite sad. She took this as a judgement of her mothering abilities, said it was my problem. I dont believe it is mine since I am not the one who wanted this seperation. I know it may be my prblem now, but I have a very hard time dealing with this. If it was up to me, our daughter would have both parents around!
since you only think these things will be brought up and you do not know, stop thinking about them, you know that you are being there for your d and that is all that matters.
is there a set visitation sched??? if not maybe one should be set up so d and w get used to having their time. also realize that though family time is a good thing... mommy time and daddy time are just as good especially for a two year old... one on one parenting is probably better for that age anyway... when it is wifes time don't be there let them have their time together use that time to do things for yourself!!
during tonights session don't sit there waiting for these things you think will be brought up, just go with the flow.
This is the first time I post to your thread but I've been following it since Aug. This time I actually have some advice! Since W is worried that you are too attached, IMO, you should let her decide when she wants to spend time w you. The thing is, you can't fix what is wrong w her, only she can do that. All you can do is be yourself and leave her the space to decide.
. Later, once back home, she asked for her mother all night. Broke my heart, and I dont need it!
I got mad...this is a point where I felt no nead to be up beat and pleasant. If SHE feels guilty for not being there for her daughter, it is her problem to deal with...not mine! She called back to appologize, said she`s confused and afraid and feels empty and like she is abandonning her child. How about her husband? 
. And her dog? Ya that`s right, she has abandonned everything of value in her life! Work is life now! Well, I hope work makes her happy!