Okay... here's an example, and I'll use the most recent one... my plunge into depression.
When things came to a 'head,' my bf and I had a long convo about it. The gist of the conversation was, he was certainly empathetic to what I was going through, he was willing to help me, but he made it very clear that 'getting better' wasn't an option... for him. He made no demands on me, but made it abundantly clear that he had no intention of hanging around if I decided to spiral out of control. He didn't want to stand by and watch me do it to myself. In his history, he has been involved with women who have done just that...
That sounds rather harsh, but it certainly did not come across that way. It was probably his tone, his seriousness, the fact that it wasn't an argument that left no doubt in my mind that he meant what he said.
Then an interesting thing happened. I got my azz in gear, got myself an appointment, we had another discussion... and we came as close as we've ever gotten to having an argument. I told him I'd get myself fixed... and when I started down that road... all of a sudden it was like he was looking over my shoulder, micro-managing me. And I said, 'whoa, what's this. Why are you doing this? I told you I was going to get help and get better... what's with you? This isn't like you.'
Well... come to realize... a few months back (let's go to Sept) when my downward spiral began... I started getting 'clingy,' and 'needy.' I was doing it to everyone, not just him. As my depression got worse, my self-confidence dropped... and I was no longer holding my OWN boundaries. I was no longer BEING the person he knew, nor the person I had shown him I was. So as I began dropping the rope, he began to pick it up...
I realized then how important it is for BOTH people to have healthy boundaries, and to stick to them. I had to re-assert my boundary with him... and naturally... it took a bit of doing, for I had started sending him mixed signals. I apologized to him, thanked him for his concern, but told HIM in no uncertain terms that what I wanted from him was a bf, not a parent. I told him I was going to get help, I'd show him through my actions that I would, and he was going to have to trust me.
Well. I had hit a sensitive area of his, and his walls started going up. He had trusted women in the past to do what they said they were going to do, he had trusted women to 'take care of themselves,' (with his support, but even without it, if need be), and they had all let him down. His mistake was rushing in to pick up their slack. Blackfoot talks about this constantly.
Not until I had gone through this little scenario did I experience the importance of boundaries. If I had not realized it, not gotten myself some help, I would have created another situation just like my last M. I'd have a parent, not a partner.
I am very mindful of those little suckers now. Boundaries are NOT complex things, and they are not just something you establish for your spouse. A boundary is something you do for you, with anyone. You don't give favor, nor single people out with them. Except maybe for your feelings on infidelity... I'm sure there are marriage specific boundaries... but by and large... they are about you, and how you choose to interact with the world, based on Who You Are.
The feeling you get with a boundary, Chrome, is probably much like you feel about a student cheating. It simply isn't done. you don't tolerate it, period. The consequences for that action may vary, but whether it is your best and brightest student, or the worst, most slovenly... cheating is not permissible. Feel that? You get the same feeling with personal boundaries.
