Well, I`m starting a new post, in order yto focus on the task at hand.
Had a big OR tal;k wioth my wife last night. She is worried about leading me on...says she does NOT know what the future holds for her but knows what will NOT happen: US! Well, instead of destroying me, it only served to strenghthen my resolve. You see, if I have been able to get this far, I only see it as a matter of time before I get to the next milestone! BUT HOW?
We spoke about the fact that she "resists" BECAUSE it is me. If she was spending this amount of time with someone else than me, she perhaps would not be so warry! So how do I get beyond this.
In our next C session, she wants to talk about how we (meaning me) would react to the other finding someone else . She says our relationship, the way it is now, WILL change eventually, that we will not simply keep in limbo as we are doing now: spending most of our time together, being parents, filling in the void with each other (HER words). I agree, but in my mind`s eye, our relatioonship will change only in the fact that it will grow into something much bigger .
Had a revelation last night! She is not afraid of falling in love with me, she is afraid of NOT falling in love with me! If we try to work on things and she just does not feel ANYTHING for me...that is her fear. That is why she says : I dont want to give you false hope...In cant start all over again. It is not fear of starting a relationship...it is fear of breaking up AGAIN! She keeps sayingf she does not want to hurt me again...this is her fear! I must try to show her that I am all right, strong, and can take a hit or two. She does not want to work on the marriage for fear of failure and hence inflicting more pain upon me!
I would really love any imput...what do I do next!
Maybe what's required it to spend a little less time together, on YOUR terms. Maybe you need to be a little less available, go out with friends, join a club. Become a volunteer fireman. Not be quite so available, have other interests than saving the marriage. YOU break the limbo of sameness...
Quote: Had a revelation last night! She is not afraid of falling in love with me, she is afraid of NOT falling in love with me! If we try to work on things and she just does not feel ANYTHING for me...that is her fear. That is why she says : I dont want to give you false hope...In cant start all over again. It is not fear of starting a relationship...it is fear of breaking up AGAIN! She keeps sayingf she does not want to hurt me again...this is her fear! I must try to show her that I am all right, strong, and can take a hit or two. She does not want to work on the marriage for fear of failure and hence inflicting more pain upon me!
and in that you are probably right, my h when he finally did express his confusion stated as such... saw that i had moved on and was dealing fine if he came back and then left again what damage that would do.. a defeatest attitude he admitted. he did express fear of comming home and trying and "it" not being there. well bla bla bla the story goes on. guess the thing to do is show her that you are strong and can make it even if it breaks, or use my h's line, what do we have to loose, if we try and make it that's good, if we try and don't well then at least we tried (funny those were my thoughts the whole six months he wasn't willing to try)
anyway as you know, don't believe everything you hear, there were several times my h said to me, "i'm not comming home" bla bla bla you know the lines... and now look. be strong and show her you will not crumble just because you love her. LL
steph, my h said the same thing to me. he also said i don't want to give you any hope, i have already hurt you twice. he was afraid to hurt me again, afriad he couldn't fix us. i told him i was a grown woman and i would make decisions for me and he should make decisions for him. we should learn to take care of ourselves. i stayed his friend. very hard with a ow pulling on him. never allowed her to be an issue. i was honest about my feelings without being hurtful or punishing and took responsibility for my part in the problems we had. we are now 8 monthes back together. it is still hard work. but it gets better. lisa
Steph, Please consider another underlying fear she is experiencing. The fear that if the two of you do get back together again, the M will gradually revert to the way it was when she was in an unhappy state that caused her to leave. She is determined not to repeat the hurt and pain to all involved.
The hardest job we DBer's have is to prove to the WAS that we are dedicated to break the previous cycle at all cost. To change their preception that the changes you made are only for the benefit of getting back together. You have to demostrate to them so that they will understand the purpose of changing was for your personal sake and not for theirs. Yes, if they wish, you are willing to share so they can partake in the gift you are giving to yourself, but whether they are with you or not, you are going to continue living as a changed person because you too do not want to live the way you were anymore.
My W brought up this very fear and I did explain to her that I was doing this for myself. That because of the changes I made that I discovered how much better my life can be. That it brought me closer to my daughter then I ever have been and how all this has made me a happier person. Why would I ever want to go back to the way things were again?!!
You have to convince them that your changes are the genuine thing before they are willing to explore their feelings again. They have to feel safe and trust that you will not bring back the old hurt and pain, so that they will be willing to feel other emotions again.
What you have been doing is drawing her closer, but it feels to her like she is stepping onto an unsteady plank with the old pain surrounding her. One false slip...
Keep doing what works and over time she will discover that plank is a sturdy bridge over the troubled water that will carry her over to the other side. To enfource your actions, the next time she brings up an OR talk to tell her how you feel about the changes that have come about within you and how it is better for you and that you hold no expectations for her to react to those changes. People, who truely feel enlighten, have a way of expressing themselves that can go a long way to convincing others that they are being true to what they believe.
You're going through much of the same things I did, Steph.
You ask the question what do you do next?
I still think you just keep on doing what you're doing. There's just no way to speed things up, Steph.
You hypothesize that she’s worried about hurting you. I suspect you’re right, and that personally, she’s worried about the guilt she’d feel about giving you “false” hope.
There isn’t a thing you can do or say to assure her that she won’t (or shouldn’t) feel guilty, Steph, so IMHO, all you can really do is wait it out until she feels relatively comfortable that she won’t want out.
Thanks everyone. And armed with all this I must continue. But I am finding it hard. After she repeated her "I'm not in love with you and will never be" mantra, I found that even though much water has passed under this bridge, the wound is still fresh...and painfull. I spoke to her twice today and the first time was quite hard. My daughter has skating lessons tomorow morning and we (wife and I) have made a commitment to being there no matter who's week it was! Today, she says "I'll try to be there but I wont be able to stay for very long...and if I'm too hung over to go I'll give you a call." (BTW she is going to a fundraiser with work friends and her brother...gonna have a good time and all...I wish she would invite me along sometimes ). Well, my heart just sank. I said she didn't need to come at all, she got defensive, said she wanted to and its not like she had planned something better to replace this. Well, long story, many details left out, but you get the jist of it.
Being sick does not help! I am tired and daughter has a tone of energy.
My wife just seems so damn determined right now. She's convinced that we have to start thinking about how it will be when one of us (i.e. her) finds someone else. I told her I wasn't even gonna go there. I felt no need to.
Anyways, we have a C session Monday night. I am wondering how many of my cards I should lay on the table...confess my undenying love for her AGAIN ? . Tell her how I see things, even though she knows already and sees them differently? As far as dating or finding someone else, I figure the more time she spends with me, the less probable that is . lol
She did however say that we would be spending time together this weekend...I have got to get out of this funk and back to what works!
Quoting lisakate32: i stayed his friend. very hard with a ow pulling on him... we are now 8 monthes back together. it is still hard work. but it gets better. lisa
Lisa...how long were you seperated and can you give any clues as to how it all came together. Did your husband seem as determined as my wife ? Did keep saying he did not want to work on the marriage only to "act" like he did ? When did the "romantic" feelings come back ? And how?
steph, my h is not yet home but is now trying to get here, spending 5 out of 7 nights with me...
he moved out back in april....said the d word in june, had been having and ea with a married woman who is now getting a d ...
h was addimant about not wanting to work at the r... just wanted to be friends... there was no hope, " i'm not comming home"
love you not in love with you all that bla bla
I think it was when I finally just let go, accepted that he would never be comming back to me and moved on... that is when he outwardly expressed his confusion and desire to try.
seemed like the more comfortable i got with the prospect of d the less comfortable he got with it.
LL
Steph, sounds like your w is afaid of it not working, my h said that in c once, that he does not want ot hurt me if the feelings are not there, so how does that fear get broken, how do we get comfortable with them again? You have been doing good, letting her call some of the shots. But maybe backing off alittle might help,but do it slow. I am finding the opposite lately, by asking h if he wants me involved in his move, and funny thing is he does, try something and watch for a reaction, positive or negative and decide from that what you need to change. Why does all this have to be so hard? Because good things are not easy. Good luck Sue
. She says our relationship, the way it is now, WILL change eventually, that we will not simply keep in limbo as we are doing now: spending most of our time together, being parents, filling in the void with each other (HER words). I agree, but in my mind`s eye, our relatioonship will change only in the fact that it will grow into something much bigger 
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). Well, my heart just sank. I said she didn't need to come at all, she got defensive, said she wanted to and its not like she had planned something better to replace this. Well, long story, many details left out, but you get the jist of it.
. Tell her how I see things, even though she knows already and sees them differently? As far as dating or finding someone else, I figure the more time she spends with me, the less probable that is 
