Need advice

[Astimegoeson]

Guess the only think that really makes sense right now is to leave WAH alone even more than I have been. /quote]

That's your own best advice. You can talk till your blue in the face and it either goes in one ear and out the other or invites an argument. Either way it's a exercise in futility.

[want2believe]

OK - I did end up calling WAH, mainly because I just couldn't igmore that fact that he really sounded like he wanted to go to their games last night. I appologized and explained why I thought he'd be tired. He said he really wanted to go and be a involved with the boys. He said he'd be over at 8:00 to take one son to his game, while I took the other. WAH did ask then if I had anything else I wanted to say. Of course I did, but there was no way anything I would have said, would have came out right. I just said "NO, it doesn't matter. Bye". WAH said he'd talk to me later.

WAH just pulled into the driveway. Got to go.

[Afraid]

Just wondering how things are going for you. Even when I don't reply I still look for your updates.:)

[want2believe]

Hi Afraid,

Well WAH came in and was very distant. I finally just asked after a while, "Well, are you done with me?". WAH said "No". We then got into a discussion where I said I needed to discuss some things, but he wasn't ready to. He said "Next month is just next week". I told WAH I can't read his mind. I told him if we didn't talk about things I was afraid he was just going to leave again in a couple of months if he game home. He then wanted to discuss it right then, but at that point we only less than 10 minutes before we had to leave to take the boys to their games. I told him we could talk more about it later.

WAH really didn't bring it up again. We spent time together at the business later in the day. WAH didn't bring up the subject of talking, although WAH did get affectionate, and it was obvious he wanted to spend time with me. WAH didn't seem to want to go to his place, and kept bring up things he could do at the house, or together the next day. I was a little weird, mainly because I knew there was too much he wanted to do, and there was no way it was all going to happen. I did late that night bring up a couple of items I wanted to talk about. I also told WAH that I also
felt he took me for granted. WAH was surprised at that, and wanted to know how. I only gave him a couple of examples.

The next morning, WAH got up and left for his place to get some clothes washed, and order some parts. Not un-expected to me, but
it didn't mesh with what he had said the day before about what he wanted to do. I ended up spending most of the day at the business. WAH came in the afternoon at 3:00 to cash out, but kept finding other things to work on, so that we didn't actually cash out for anther 4-5 hours. WAH went back to his place then.

Monday we had a credit card service rep coming to the business, which we both needed to be there for. WAH was ok, but said he had things to do, but finally decided himself that he'd come over first, and then leave to get his stuff done after he picked up younger S from practice. WAH came over to watch the kids while
I went to volleyball. I dropped younger son off at basketball practice. WAH sat down and fell a sleep on the couch before I left. WAH did pick up younger S, but just dropped him off and left. Didn't even come in. When I got home at 10:05, both boys were still up, and neither had done some minor tasks I'd given them. Same kind of thing I've been putting up with for years. Decided the next morning, I needed to say something to WAH about it, just wasnt' sure exactly how to say something.

When I got home from work on Tuesday, I was a little surprised to see WAH already there. I causually mentioned that the boys were still up when I got home. I didn't say much else. WAH didn't seem phased by it. WAH said he'd come over because we had business taxes to do. True. While working on them, Younger S bed broke when the boys had jumped on it. WAH said I should get him a new bed. I asked for clarification from him on this, and he said he'd said "we". I told him I heard "I", meaning me. I then asked him, "You don't know yet if your moving back or not, do you?". He said, I though we were going to talk about, and each ask question about what we wanted first. So what do you want to ask me?". I then asked him why he didn't ask me to go to his racing banquet with him. He just said "because". I said, that's your answer "because"? He said "yes". I then asked WAH if he thought our problems were all my fault. WAH said "Yes". I then asked WAH if he felt he should appolgize to me. WAH said "No". At that point I sort of had it - and I told him if the really thought this was all my fault, and could appolgize to me for what he had done, I didn't want him to move back. WAH didn't get leave though. We talked some more, and he asked me what I thought he should appologize for. I told him, he didn't have to have an affair while we were still married. He agreed, and did appologize. He started talking about me improving on his four items for me. I just told him I've had it with your four items that you want. How will I ever know if I live up to your expectations of them, let alone if that is what I want. I told him, all I wanted was someone to love me, and who wanted to be with me and the kids. He said that was what he wanted also. (Although he doesn't say that and he keeps bringing up his 4 pet peeves he has for me). We talked a little about spending time together, and WAH asked when would we have time to do something together. I said we make time.
He's like "How?". I gave a few examples. Somewhere in the conversation, I make a statement about the situation with the boys the night before, like "Would it have been that in-convient to have just come in for another 1/2 hour to spend with the boys". WAH starts making excuses, he had all these things to do, like I don't understand. I told him it was only a suggestion, but I could tell he felt I was blaming him.

Somewhere in the discussion, about a few other things, WAH starts to get ready to leave. I ask WAH about the taxes. He stays and we finish the taxes. At one point, I tell him, I'm not giving up on us, but if you really think its all me to blame.... it's not right. When WAH got ready to leave, he did give me a kiss. We then stood staring at each other for a while, and WAH gave me a big hug and another kiss. WAH mentioned the next night, I tell him what is going on, and then decide to mention that I need him (if he's available) to come over Thursday morning to drop younger S off at the bus stop as I need to be into work by 8:30 for a class. I mention that if he can't I can ask the neighbor. WAH gets somewhat piss off about that comment, asking me if I'm going to get the whole neighborhood involved in our lives. Said I should have waited to hear his reply before suggesting an alternative. I tried to explain I was just trying to cover my bases. He didn't like it. WAH then left.

This morning I was finshing up getting W2's printed out, as I'd only been able to get the instructions to print out to that point. WAH drove up, and said he come by to see where I was with the W2's. We figured it out together. At one point I asked WAH if he'd like anything. WAH said "No", than a minute later, pulled me to him and gave me a big kiss. WAH didn't say anything though about anything we'd talked about the night before.

Needless to say, I'm cautiously optimistic at this point. It just feels good to get some things out in the open, and know I haven't chased him totally away. I don't feel as stressed out about him possibly moving or not moving back in at the end of March as I did previously. There are still things to talk about, and I haven't heard his side of questions yet for me. I'm just taking things one day at a time.

[want2believe]

Journaling...
Have not been contacing WAH. Yesterday after work WAH called from the business to let me know of some problems he was going to have to fix. I asked if he needed me to do anything. WAH said no at first, than changed his mind. I went down to help. After about 10 minutes, WAH does give me a kiss. Then right before we're ready to leave, WAH mentions a form we need more copies of. I said I noticed. WAH said he told me this a while ago. I explained what I remembered about the situation. I could tell WAH was getting pissed off at me - because he doesn't remember it the same way, I'm lying - type of pissed off. I finally just turn to him and say "I can tell your pissed off at me, so I'll just leave." and I promptly left.

It pissed me off though too. I felt like no matter what I say, anything could trigger his annoyance,anger at me. I tried to call his cell phone as I wanted to let him know how I felt, but luckily he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. I thought about it for a while, and I wasn't going to call, but wait to see if he called. After a while longer though, I just decided for my own sanity, I needed to let him know how I felt. I was much calmer though at this point. WAH did answer this time, and as we talked, he said that maybe what I was right and he'd forgotten. I told him, I could be wrong also, but that was what I remembered. I mentioned that we could have different views on things, but he didn't need to get so pissed off at me. He said he wasn't. I told him that his actions and tone of voice came across like he was. WAH said hadn't meant that. WAH also seemed in a good mood, but said he had to go get his dinner out of the oven, and he'd talk to me later.

Today I went to the business, as the employee who was suppose to work today, couldn't. I had told WAH I'd take the day off today to work there, since he said his boss wanted at least a days notice when he took off. Not a biggy as I have more vacation than WAH does I need to use up, and I could use some time off.
WAH was there at the business when I got there, still trying to find a part locally. After about 5 minutes, WAH pulls me to him and gives me a kiss. Felt good. WAH left shortly afterwards for work. Too cold to open up the automatic wash, so I came home for a while.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good. I think I've come to terms with the fact that WAH may not come back. I'm not going to try and get him to come back either. Don't get me wrong, I want him back, but not if he continues to think this is all just my fault. I know there are things I've done wrong, but he also needs to admit and show me he's working on changing some things in himself. WAH needs to continue to show me he wants to be with me. The sad part is our S's. I've asked both of them recently if they miss having their F around. One said "no" the other said he really hasn't notice a difference. WAH has a lot to work on.

WAH just came up the driveway. Got to go.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Wow Need, out of the mouths of babes.
That...I'm at a loss for words. Hrnmm some people would say that is impossible.
He has a long way go as a father.

[want2believe]

Jack,

I know WAH isn't the best of fathers, but he does love his kids. In talks with WAH's S, we both think how he interacts with the Boy's
might be tied to the fact that their F was a drunk, and never around much when they were growing up. WAH parents I guess never went to any of H's activities as a kid either. You'd actually think he'd be the opposite of what his father did, but I guess sometimes we turn out more like our parents than we want.

Believe me it hard for me also, which is one reason I can't keep staying quite about some things I use to in the past.

On the brighter side - WAH did end up staying 3 nights in a row at the house with us. We worked together a lot at the business this weekend. I know some of the reason WAH is staying is because it's soo cold out, and he has a diesel trunk which has been giving him problems with starting lately. But he also wouldn't be staying if part of him didn't want to stay.
Boys both had games on Sat morning, and I got up and got them ready. WAH continued to sleep. In the past I probably would have just let H sleep, and said good-bye. I thought about it, but decided that wasn't my decision to make for him. So I asked H if he was planning on going to their games. He said of course he wanted to go. Wanted to know what time it was, and I could see he felt constricted by the time. We worked something out though.
WAH even suggested we all go out to eat as a family on Saturday night. It was an enjoyable outing, although I could tell H mind was going back and forth a few times. I ignored it and consentrated on having fun. I still have no clue what will happen end of March, but I'm looking at this past weekend as a good trial. A few times I felt like H maybe felt like he needed space, so I left him alone for awhile. H didn't take off though, and usually after 1/2 hour or so, appeared fine again.
This morning, kids ended up getting a snow day, as it was too cold for the buses to start (-16 F, with -28 wind chill). WAH truck wouldn't start, so we ended up car pooling. WAH was debating about getting new batteries for his truck to see if it would help or not. He was planning on replacing them this year sometime, just not yet. It almost felt like a discussion he was having with himself on if he wanted to fix it, so he could go back to his place agin, or if he'd wait to replace them so he could have a reason to stay at the house longer. It could just be my imagination though. I didn't say anything, it's his decision on what he does.

[want2believe]

Journaling....

Just a quick update. WAH stayed last night and is staying tonight also. I haven't asked, I just wait and see what he'll do. I'm not getting my hopes up, as I know as soon as the weather changes some, he could go back to his batcave again. WAH has been a little distant the last two days also it seems. I just do what I need to do, although I don't totally ignore him. I try to have short upbeat conversations with him at times.

It's good to have him around, although I guess I forgot how much WAH hogs the covers when it's cold. It felt a little weird at first having him around as I guess I was starting to get use to being on my own. I also wasn't expecting him to stay for so many nights in a row, given how he's been up to this point. I wonder sometimes if he's just feeling me out to see how I am or will be when he's around longer, especially as he thinks this is all my fault.

WAH is going up to WI again on Sat. This time to check out some trim, but again, it's close to where OW lives. I know he said it was over, and it does appear to be, but I can't help wondering how much he still thinks about her, or if he'll call. Of course I'm not invited to go with - someone has to stay here to watch the business, per WAH. Not that I could go anyway, as I don't want to miss our S's basketball games.

Just taking things one day at a time, and being prepared for when WAH will leave to go back to his place again. Guess I still feel a little neutral about all this still right now. Time to get some sleep.

[want2believe]

Journaling....

Can't sleep. WAH went back this is place tonight after staying here at the house for over a week straight. He said he'd be back over tomorrow night, but it didn't sound like he planned on staying here. I'm not surprized. He mentioned he be going back to his place tonight a couple of days ago. The weather's gotten a little better, and he believes his block heater is working, just not very well when it gets really cold. I just
said "OK" when he told me. I think WAH was looking for me to say something else, but I didn't. It's his choice. Either he wants to be here with us or he doesn't.

WAH has changed some though. He has been actively working on figuring out the trim for the house, something I've been waiting 15 years to happen. We were getting along fine, but I still felt like H is distant at times. I feel like I'm not only one working at trying to make this M work. Plus, H keeps talking in "I", and "me" sentences. Like today he mentioned he wants to fly out to Oregon to see his daughter. I eventually asked him, "So, are we ever going to take a vacation together?". At which point, H surprized me and said "Sure. When do the boys have their next break from school? Let's take a week off and go visit her." It was great to hear, but I also couldn't let myself to get too excited. I knew there were things we'd need to workout with the business to do this. Sure enough, a few minutes later, H comes in and mentions the business issues. I didn't say anything - it really wasn't a good time to talk about it anyway, as we were both at the business and it was busy.
WAH did leave his clothes here though, although his dirty clothes are (and have been) on the floor in our bedroom. I told him a few days ago, if he wanted them washed, he could put them in the laudary, but he hasn't. He can pick up after himself, same as I make the boys do.

BTW, I still haven't seen his place, nor do I now where exactly he lives yet. H told my 3 weeks ago, he'd have me over last weekend. Nothing though.

I'm also feeling a little stressed out lately. Work has been hectic. Ended up working a lot at the business this weekend, that I really wasn't expecting to do, and didn't get hardly anything done at home. Told the boys I'd take them to the movies this weekend, and that didn't happen. I also totally forgot and missed my son's baseball practice tonight, and it was a special training practice with someone coming in to help them with hitting. I feel so bad about that. I also haven't talked to anyone in my family for a few weeks, especially my mom, and I need to do that. Except for my brother and his wife, no one knows yet that H moved out 5 months ago. H did say my mom called today, but it was too late to call her back by the time I had some free time, plus I was tired. Got a ton of things to try and get done tomorrow. Need to find a sub for volleyball also. It'll be late notice, but hopefully I'll find someone to sub for me.

OK. I think that's it. Just had to get a few things off my mind so hopefully I can get some sleep. Weird how it doesn't take long again to get use to H being around. Luckily my cat's in a cuddly mood right now. Bottom line, things are looking better, and I'm trying to focus on that. I just don't want too get my hopes up too much though for obvious reasons.

[want2believe]

Quick updatde as I never seem to have time anymore.

WAH is going to be moving back in. WAH brought up the subject of him moving back in 3 more times before I agreed, and then only after some discussions. I must admit, prior to the last talk, I was to the point I wasn't going to let him move back in unless I noticed some change in him thinking this was all my fault. I told him I wanted to him to be sure that this was what he wanted because I did not want him leaving again after moving back in. We agreed on some things we both would work on, including spending more time together and making that a priority. At the final discussion before I told him he could move back in, I told him that him that having the affair was totally his choice/decision. He acutally agreed that it was, which surprized me a little, but was one of the major reason I agreed to let him move back in.

Note that even after I told him he could move back in, WAH spent the next three nights at his place. I wasn't upset by this. In fact I was happy about it because it meant he was thinking about what we had said, and hopefully going through a little depression, one of the final stages of MLC.

That weekend, he finally took me over to see his place. We agreed he'd move things back slowly, since he still had the place for another month. WAH hasn't stayed there since, although
I couple of times when he went over there for something, I thought he might since he was there for quite a while.

Since then, WAH has been more normal, and we've spent some good time together. He even started wearing his wedding ring again.
I can still tell he needs time alone at times, and I try to let him have it. I even noticed a tear in his eye one day after I got back for someplace, and he'd had time alone. I don't push him, I try to give him space during these times, and re-enforce that I want to be with him and I'm happy he's back. But I do remind him when I think he's going back to bad habits - like one morning he left for work and didn't say goodbye. I called him and told him this calmly Said it was a bad habit we needed to work on elminating. He agreed and seemed happy I called.

We still have things to work on, for both of us, but I'm hoping we're coming out of the woods here. I know this is significantly shorter than most MLC, and I can only hope and pray that he doesn't go back there. Got to run. Will try to post another update sometime soon.