Thank you for the castle wall story. When I read it I am reminded about why I don't just up and leave H nor give him any ultimatums. It isn't just the relgious aspect. It is my feeling that H has a pretty impressive wall built. I have referred to him before as being "well defended". So, when I come at him with the battering ram of "R talks, tears of frustration, anger etc..." the wall stays high or gets even higher. I need to be mindful of being more "inviting" toward H and less judgemental. It goes a long way when I do that. Recently, I have seen improvement. I quit pushing, H's tendonitis got better, his seasonal depression is abating and low and behold things are improving - whaddya know?
HP,
Got a new tack for ya. Just for fun I picked up a book on "aphrodisiac meals" - there are lots out there. I bought "Fork me, Spoon me", one is called "Intercourses". These are great for Valentine's inspiration, meals for two after kids are in bed, interesting "snacks" for the budoir. Maybe there are books like this at the library. Maybe you just need to find some "fun" to find your libido. Wink, wink, nod, nod.
think I need to clear something up, lest you all think a sexual dynamo is lurking behind every LD.
I wasn't really talking about your "physical" drive. In a recent post to me you said something about sex along the lines of "Some of us just 'dial it in'". My impression of you is that you never "just dialed in" a pizza order and the sexual scene that you described confirmed my impression.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay... here's an example, and I'll use the most recent one... my plunge into depression.
When things came to a 'head,' my bf and I had a long convo about it. The gist of the conversation was, he was certainly empathetic to what I was going through, he was willing to help me, but he made it very clear that 'getting better' wasn't an option... for him. He made no demands on me, but made it abundantly clear that he had no intention of hanging around if I decided to spiral out of control. He didn't want to stand by and watch me do it to myself. In his history, he has been involved with women who have done just that...
That sounds rather harsh, but it certainly did not come across that way. It was probably his tone, his seriousness, the fact that it wasn't an argument that left no doubt in my mind that he meant what he said.
Then an interesting thing happened. I got my azz in gear, got myself an appointment, we had another discussion... and we came as close as we've ever gotten to having an argument. I told him I'd get myself fixed... and when I started down that road... all of a sudden it was like he was looking over my shoulder, micro-managing me. And I said, 'whoa, what's this. Why are you doing this? I told you I was going to get help and get better... what's with you? This isn't like you.'
Well... come to realize... a few months back (let's go to Sept) when my downward spiral began... I started getting 'clingy,' and 'needy.' I was doing it to everyone, not just him. As my depression got worse, my self-confidence dropped... and I was no longer holding my OWN boundaries. I was no longer BEING the person he knew, nor the person I had shown him I was. So as I began dropping the rope, he began to pick it up...
I realized then how important it is for BOTH people to have healthy boundaries, and to stick to them. I had to re-assert my boundary with him... and naturally... it took a bit of doing, for I had started sending him mixed signals. I apologized to him, thanked him for his concern, but told HIM in no uncertain terms that what I wanted from him was a bf, not a parent. I told him I was going to get help, I'd show him through my actions that I would, and he was going to have to trust me.
Well. I had hit a sensitive area of his, and his walls started going up. He had trusted women in the past to do what they said they were going to do, he had trusted women to 'take care of themselves,' (with his support, but even without it, if need be), and they had all let him down. His mistake was rushing in to pick up their slack. Blackfoot talks about this constantly.
Not until I had gone through this little scenario did I experience the importance of boundaries. If I had not realized it, not gotten myself some help, I would have created another situation just like my last M. I'd have a parent, not a partner.
I am very mindful of those little suckers now. Boundaries are NOT complex things, and they are not just something you establish for your spouse. A boundary is something you do for you, with anyone. You don't give favor, nor single people out with them. Except maybe for your feelings on infidelity... I'm sure there are marriage specific boundaries... but by and large... they are about you, and how you choose to interact with the world, based on Who You Are.
The feeling you get with a boundary, Chrome, is probably much like you feel about a student cheating. It simply isn't done. you don't tolerate it, period. The consequences for that action may vary, but whether it is your best and brightest student, or the worst, most slovenly... cheating is not permissible. Feel that? You get the same feeling with personal boundaries.
Another bit of LD weirdness is this: After sex, I used to feel flooded with chemicals. I felt in love with my H, my kids, the world. Now? I just feel sated. Like a balloon that has popped and there is no chemical rush accompanying it. It's very strange and I can totally see how a woman would think "ok that's done". This is such a foreign thought to me, I can't express that enough. I have never had such thoughts in my life. Well, one other time but I was on hormonal therapy trying to conceive my first child and chalked it up to that. Being an HD person, as soon as you are sated the chemicals flood your body and you are automatically motivated to do it again. Not in the literal sense...doing it right that minute...but that it creates a mindset--and the physical sensations to accompany it--to set you up for the next encounter. That is weirdly missing in my current state.
Speaking in vera, vera broad generalities -
I figured there was a major difference between the HD/LD response post climax. This confirms and helps explain the post-sex disconnects couples can have.
HDs feel the rush and are already looking forward to the next time, if not actually going right ahead and initiating the next time right then. LDs are basking in the contented feelings of fulfillment and satisfaction.
It's a perfect setup for another WTF marriage moment.
HD keeps tickling around the edges for another go at it because that was so great. LD figures either that the HD is insatiable or that the encounter s/he just enjoyed fully wasn't good enough for HD. HD then thinks it must have sucked for the LD, otherwise why aren't they all revved up about it.
I just gained some realization of my own, perhaps independant of the specific point you were trying to make, about how my sexuality could be overwhelming to her, and that letting her take control and see where it goes might be something worth exploring. I can see how that me leading EVERY TIME could cause her to never face her own sexuality, or in a more cynical POV, provide a back door for her to not have to face her sexuality. I can see how her not having to make decisions about what happens next could stifle her sexuality before it has a chance to get started. Kind of parallel to the notion that when you have to work at something, it gives it more personal value in the end.
I have to revamp. I think you nailed it on the head. I got to thinking about how all this came about, and him going passive on me, at first, really ticked me off. It was frustrating to me. I was in a position of having to either roll over and go to sleep or ask for what I wanted... and I wasn't really comfortable doing either.
So I found another way, and boy what a discovery. And yes, it did worlds of good for me exploring my own sexuality and becoming way more confident in myself as a woman and sex partner. As I thought about it more, yes, my xH's sexuality was always overwhelming to me, for it always felt controlling to me.
I think you should expand on your thoughts, if you can.
I'm really interested to hear what HoneyPot might be discovering. ... where is that girl?
Hi sis! I had a busy 4-5 days with school stuff for D7 but today I should have time to play, as she was up all night vomiting.
I have thought alot about this and realized that everything I did, sexually, was so calculated. I didn't even realize it then but it was. I had lots of practice in doing a lesser version of Corri's Tease but, sis, it was all to 'prove' something. Or to elicit a reaction--any reaction--from MrH. I thought I was doing it out of love at the time, or desire, but I can see clearly now that there was an ulterior motive lurking..always. There is no doubt in my mind that he saw and felt it too.
So now I'm left with accessing my true, real sexual desire FOR HIM. (there was nothing fake about my desire for him, before, but it had a large drama component to it and I'm struggling without it) Things have been good lately. I feel desire and he's been good at not going beta on me. Even just thinking about sex regularly keeps me revved. The different and bizarre thing is having to make a conscious effort to do so instead of my brain just being flooded with em.
MrsNOP, Good to hear from you! I'm glad you found something useful in my ramblings. Just wanted to clarify that the Missing Feeling I'm talking about post-sex is not physical. It's very much emotional. The on-top-of-the-world feeling. I mean, sure, I felt revved up and ready for another go-round but this, by itself, would not have been enough to immediately motivate me for round 2. (I do, after all, need sleep at some point, lol) No, it was the emotional high that caused me to start wondering When Will It Happen Again almost immediately afterwards. Now, I just don't think that way! I still physically enjoy it every bit as much, and maybe even more paradoxically, but afterwards there is no emotional high--I simply feel physically sated. Weird! School is going great, I'm starting to dream about next year..what books, what curriculum, etc.
I'm in the twilight zone with you. Can't remember the last time I wanted to have S-E-X. I think about it fleetingly all the time and don't follow through. I'm too tired, its too late, I know how it ends after all, its too cold, I'd rather snuggle up and get a back rub. Oh. My. God. I always knew I never had much physical desire, but the emotional desire seems to have waned. He does initiate regularly and I don't turn him down. I get into it once we start.
The difference in my situation is that H hasn't seemed to notice, or atleast he hasn't been vocal about it. There was one time that he complained that 'I was just lying there,' but other than that I haven't heard much about it. There are the general grumblings that I am never in the mood or that I take too long but I've discounted those as coming from the man who has always loved quickies.
Oddly, the desire for sexual validation has waned too. I actually am more conscious about my weight and health, and I want to feel good and feel sexy, but that doesn't translate to actually wanting sex.
Part of me wants to just let things lie. There is plenty of other good stuff going on. But the other part of me is now thinking that this is the dynamic that got us into trouble in the first place. We started out with him HD and me in this LD place, and eventually he decided not to bother initiating because it was too much trouble. I just don't want to go there again.
Things have been SOOO good otherwise. H has really stepped up to lead in a lot of areas. He is doing great at work and is happy with himself. He has really been more social, we have been going out more. When I suggest some social/cultural activity, he surprises me by readily agreeing and even planning the details. I find myself in the oddly LD position there too by worrying about the babysitter while he makes reservations and plans. I am really enjoying watching this side of him and it makes me want to be more feminine. Not translating into sexual feelings though.
Sigh. Life and its curveballs. I think I will take a page out of Corri's book tonight and try teasing.
