Absolutely awesome - and to me what piecing is all about - really raising the level of 1) awareness and trust and 2) communication overall. I've had many the same convo with my W. She spent so much time in our MC sessions "eluding" to OM but NEVER talking about it. Our MC tried several times - and I dropped a bomb one time to let the 5000 lb gorilla out and into the room. It wasn't until months later, did WAW open up to all of it - and the best move I made that day was to NOT invalidate or defend or whatever - but to listen, and understand - so that when I needed to ask - "do I have something to worry about here" she could comfortably and confidently say "NO, you don't".
Really good stuff and great growth for the two of you.....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
This stuff kind of makes sense, but I think you learn in more through action then through thought, and then it takes time before you really start to get it, then one day you wake up and you start to feel detached, start to let go, etc. I don't know if you can speed up the process. I assume everyone can get there eventually if they try.
Detachment. A co-worker whom I'm very fond of, just told me about her f-i-l dying from cancer. She may have to fly out very soon. I feel very bad for her and wish and hope I can help her. I'm ready to listen, lend a hand, whatever. But I'm not attached to her problem. This feels like detachment to me. Is this what I want with my W, my kids? Is it a lack of love? I worry that if I complete my detachment from my W, I'll stop 'loving' her in a way.
I hope I'm not hijacking your thread GH. Assert your boundaries as you see fit.
I think, and I think you guys are examples of this, that strength comes from detachment.
Like I said, I think it maybe one of those things that your body can understand and learn, while your brain has a hard time with it. (yes this is Kirby. I changed names b/c I suspect my W may be reading my posts, or was. I didn't try to cover my tracks at first. I got paranoid).
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
having a very large amount of self-esteem/security right now
How did you acheive that? I'm assumng it took some time. Did C help with that?
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I felt a sense of relief that finally she talked
I'm looking forward to the day my W finally talks,about a lot of things. I hope that day comes.
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Then I had to learn to deal with the pain of realizing that the woman I loved spent a large part of her life now not caring about me.
I keep having to have this lesson pounded home. I guess I don't have to even understand how this happened, just accept that it did - and that I can't control it.
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I had to learn that I actually LIKED the pain
I've caught myself enjoying the pain. I try to let myself feel the real pain, and if I start to enjoy it, I try to stop. I'm glad you admit to this too. I feel most people don't admit to enjoying their self pity, but my guess is most do.
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then learning to vent the "real" pain and allow yourself to get past it
Tricky. Not something I have much practice doing, or examples to copy.
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P.S. Did you change screen names?
Yes I did. I got paranoid that my W was reading my posts. Also, I moved to MLC. I don't feel I'm piecing just yet, although hopefully close. I read someone's post about not using real names in case the Spouse was checking, and based on some other things too, thought it a good idea to change names and move. Now I think I was paranoid. But, hey, could be fun anyway.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
How did you achieve that? I'm assuming it took some time. Did C help with that?
Actually, it ebbs and flows. It's not a constant by any stetch of the imagination. By and large, I think I have done a good job internalizing my self-worth and not relying on what my W thinks of me to "boost" my ego.
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I'm looking forward to the day my W finally talks,about a lot of things. I hope that day comes.
Give that one some time...maybe a LOT of time and IMHO, for it to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, maybe never. If you can wait for her to talk on her own schedule, also accept that you may not get it all at once.
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I keep having to have this lesson pounded home. I guess I don't have to even understand how this happened, just accept that it did - and that I can't control it.
Yea, this part sucks. It hurts almost as much as when you realized that she was caring about someone else. I actually think that getting past this lack of concern for you (note: I didn't say she wanted to hurt you, just that NOT hurting you is no longer on the top of her list) is much harder than getting past the affair. It lingers, but it can be "cured" by a FIRM understanding that she is a big girl, like you are a big boy, and as such, is capable of making her own decisions. If they happen to not fit with your expectations or mesh with what you'd like her to do, well, you just have to accept that and move forward.
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I've caught myself enjoying the pain. I try to let myself feel the real pain, and if I start to enjoy it, I try to stop. I'm glad you admit to this too. I feel most people don't admit to enjoying their self pity, but my guess is most do.
Oh, we ALL get off on the pain, the self-pity to varying degrees. Anyone who says differently is not only enjoying it, they're in denial about it too. They're a "pain-o-holic".
I don't think it's so much that we ENJOY it as we get used to it and it replaces happiness as our "comfortable" feeling. When we find ourselves feeling comfortable WITHOUT the pain, we start to panic, thinking to ourselves all kinds of nonsense thoughts like "Does this mean I don't love her" "Will she think this means I'm over it?" "This SHOULD hurt still, what's wrong with me?" etc...
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then learning to vent the "real" pain and allow yourself to get past it
Tricky. Not something I have much practice doing, or examples to copy.
I guess I just mean that there is some pain that is VERY hard not to feel and not in any way fostered by some sense of comfort or "entitlement". THAT pain must be addressed and exercised or else it consumes you. That's a lot of what GAL and such is about.
Anyone know how to tell which threads have new posts since the last time I logged in? Is it those little yellow "Flame" things? It seems like it can't be becasue there are threads that have posts made today that don't have one of those. So far, I don't really like this format too much, but like all else, I will adapt and get back into the swing of things.
One thing I like about the new format is that I can view all forums in my watch list simultaneously...so I don't have to navigate back and forth between forums.
How do you make a watch list, Aud? And where are the smileys?
GH, if you're logged in and have visited the forum more than once, the folder is Yellow and when you click on the topic title, it will jump where you were last time. Took me a few days, but I've got enough of the basics to get by again.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
OK, I'm not the best at tech directions, so bear with me:
Click on My Stuff > My Watch Lists > Watched Forums tab > there's a link on the right, below the array of tabs that says 'edit watched forums', click on that and mark which forums you want to see when you log in. To access it, when you log in, click on My Stuff > My Watch Lists, and you'll get an automatic list of your favorite forums all on one page.
You can also add 'Watched Users' by clicking on any user, 'View Profile' and then click on the link to add them to your list at the bottom of the profile screen. That way you can follow all the posts your favorites make.
Hope that made SOME sense.
Oh, and to get the smiley faces? Click on the Reply button at the bottom of a post (instead the quick reply box at the bottom of the thread's page), and it'll take you to a screen much like the old one with all the fun faces, etc.
Oh, and I just realized, if you want a list of favorite threads like we used to have, click on 'Topic Options' at the top of the thread page, 'Add Topic to Your Watched Topcs', and then to view, just select the 'Watched Topics' tab on your 'My Watches'...
