My plan is based on one major assumption – that Mrs. Hairdog exhibits extreme behavior and reactions, and seems to have strongly narcissistic behavior. This very fact rules out many of the approaches on this board. But I do not think she IS a narcissist since she gives out occasional clues of having some understanding of the situation. She is protecting herself with everything she can. Just because she went to counseling for years may not mean that much. I takes a counselor a long time to work toward one break through moment, the time when the person lets down the walls enough to FEEL. Once they feel their emotions, real progress can begin. I don’t think Mrs HD ever go to that point.
My idea is not to flood her with words, but to go through the one route she cannot deflect and that is her emotions. She will block this as much as she can, but once you get through, it will be hard for her to deny what she feels.
As far as the idea that I need to press my ideas to help me feel my actions are justified and 'right', I do not agree. I can emphatically state that no progress would have been made without addressing her FOO, and mine too. We danced around our issues for years, never touching on the FOO. Her walls were quite solid and were able to protect her quite well. The ONLY thing that got through to her was addressing her core hurts and what she really wanted deep down.
The situation with MrsHD is fairly unique and not one I would use with many others here, or at least not without tweaking. I would also challenge everyone else here who is stuck to step back and see what has worked and what has not. Have you truly addressed the REAL issues or just danced around them. There is a reason you are stuck and there is a real way to get unstuck. You need to figure out what that is.
Hairdog,
I think you should try Lil’s plan first. If it works, then great. I don’t think it will work because I see no reason for her to go along with it, and I see no consequence for her either. Like Burbud said: “Then What?”
You are not prepared to leave so you have thrown out your most powerful weapon. What do you have left? Do you really think she will decide to have sex and an intimate relationship because the house gets dusty or you don’t cook dinner? Get real. She will find a way to deal with that which she can live with and that may make you even more irritated. You can make all the rules and boundaries you want, but if they do not result in tangible actions, they are hollow. My wife knows this too well. IT TRULY ALL COMES DOWN TO POWER. You cannot avoid this.
I also disagree that my path is endless. It may be changing, but I think you must be flexible to react as necessary. As soon as she figures out what the straight and narrow path is, she can undermine it. The breakthrough that I think you need with her will be tough to achieve, but once made, I think it can slash a lot of time off your recovery process.
