Ok, I am beginning to think that we don't want to acknowledge that we are HD for an abusive relationship...but this makes me LD for sex, while still keeps you HD for sex. I've caught up to you because I found a way to be HD for the sex through fantasy. I think I am getting healthier though because I am craving more kindness, respect, peacefulness, etc. and I sense the same is true for you.
I don't think that this is exactly true. I'll definitely admit that there is a little (okay more than a little-LOL) Sylvia Plath-like "Every woman adores a Fascist, / The boot in the face, the brute / Brute heart of a brute like you" ...- in my sexuality but I think just recognizing it goes a long way towards putting it into context. Makes me able to think "So what?" and realize that I don't have to be in a sexual relationship with a pirate; I would be just fine with a nice guy who was willing to put on a pirate suit to meet my sexual desires. Just like I'd be willing to wear a French Maid's costume metaphorically.
The problem with my relationship isn't that I feel like the victim of a pirate in my relationship (though this was the case previously). I am actually pretty good at demanding respect these days. The problem isn't that my H isn't a pirate in bed. Pretty much he is and that is why the sex itself has always worked for me even though the sexual relationship hasn't. The problem is that he is not "willing" or maybe "able" (that is the question) to be anything for me. If I ask him "Will you be a pirate for me on Saturday night?" his response will be some variation of "Maybe if I'm up for it. Don't count on it.".
My problem is that I can't get my head around what part of this is my f*ck-up or failing. Part of me believes that my problem is that I did exactly what I vowed that I wouldn't do- I built him a handicapped ramp to my p*ssy so now I view him as handicapped. If this is the case then that is "my bad" because obviously I am treating him with disrespect in order to maintain my own identity as "nice person". What is the fear that makes me deny that I am really a greedy demanding sl*t? Clearly it is related to the fact that there is a slight(LOL) negative connotation to the phrase "greedy demanding sl*t". Probably I should leave my H and post a personal describing myself this way- "I am a greedy demanding sl*t so please do not reply to this ad unless you are prepared to bring it on regular-like. Pirate suit not optional.". I think that is the problem with most personal ads- they are lacking in brutal honesty.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
