Okay, my H is right to think that there is something that is turning me off in our relationship. I'm not manifesting LD behavior at the moment but that is only because:
A) Sex is as easy as falling off a log for me and I am perfectly capable of enjoying "casual" sex, even if the person I am having casual sex with is my H. It even has an upside for me due to the whole "stranger in an elevator" no inhibitions vibe.
B) I refuse to manifest LD behavior for both practical and moral reasons that are pretty close to the reasons why I won't have an affair. Having an affair is like cheating on your homework and manifesting LD behavior is like not doing your homework because you don't "feel like it" or really a more accurate description in my case would be not doing my homework because I no longer care about my final grade.
Okay, so what is turning me off in my relationship? As I said in my previous post, my number one objective turn-on with a bullet is intelligence in a man. That is really what I was trying to convey in previous posts where I said that I don't care about physical appearance. My preference would be to f*ck a man with an IQ of 160 who looked like the Diet Coke guy but I would rather f*ck a man who looked like Fred Mertz and had an IQ of 160 than a guy who looked like Diet Coke guy and had an IQ of 100 (all other things being equal- there are intelligent men to whom I am not attracted). Now, my H is an intelligent man (good-looking too) and that hasn't changed over the years but something about him is turning me off. What is it?
I think that the problem is that I see his unwillingness or inability to do a better job of meeting my needs/wants in the relationship as a sort of mental or emotional laziness. The problem isn't that he is lacking in intelligence; it's that he's unwilling to learn new things. He's acting kind of like a variation of CeMar. Now I wouldn't want to be married to CeMar or have sex with him but I don't feel anger towards CeMar like some on the BB, I feel sorry for him because I see his mindset as a sort of mild autism of some sort. Most of the time lately, I find myself feeling sorry for my H but I feel sorry for myself too because I'm married to him. You know that common LD defensive statement of "What would you do if I was paralyzed from the waist down? Would you want to leave me then?". That's what I feel like. I feel like the woman who is married to the man who is paralyzed from the waist down. Guess what? It s*cks and yes, even though I feel this way I still want to leave him and that fills me with guilt.
Another example would be I feel like the guy who is married to the woman who won't have sex because she has a poor body image because she is overweight but won't do anything to lose the weight either and she feels justified in not doing anything because she got a note from the doctor that says that she has a slow metabolism. Does that guy feel HD because he's not getting any or does he feel LD because his wife is fat? How does he justify leaving her when she's got that note from the doctor without feeling like a bad guy?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
