Rob #7 - Night into Day (moving to Piecing)

[Rob1231]

I never want to go back, but aren't you a little bit happy for this whole experience? I am...

Hmmm, had that same thought today as I was talking to a friend about how things are looking up. I'm not to the point of being able to say "a little bit happy" yet - but I can imagine that I will be someday.

[swashy]

I am SD - no matter how this works out. I was such an SOB and in such denial I probably would have lived my whole life like that. Scares me to even think about it. What a waste. I feel SO much more alive today than I was 6 months ago.

[Heywyre]

Sure glad to hear someone is feeling "alive" - I feel like I've been ran over by a Mac truck (numerous times)

[Rob1231]

So, do you ever wish you could just open up your spouse's head and pour some of your hard-won DBer Wisdom into it?

W came home yesterday after a rough day at work. She got assigned at the last minute to a new project team that didn't really want her there (for a variety of reasons having nothing at all to do with her). Said she was just about in tears after being shot down time and again in her first meeting with them.

I tried to help her back off emotionally from the sitch and see that the other people's reactions had to do with several external factors and were not personal attacks. Also tried to tell her (again!) about the "Control your reactions" deal. I think she heard SOME of this, but still was upset.

Felt bad I couldn't help more - but, on the other hand, we (men in particular) sometimes need to remember that it's not our job to fix everything that goes wrong for our spouses. (Right, Scott? )

The book Passionate Marriage (highly recommended BTW) talks about how the two people in a relationship are basically NEVER at the same level of growth. Instead, you are continually leapfrogging each other. Problems arise when the discomfort of growth causes you both settle for stagnation and stop growing altogether, or when one person grows significantly more than the other is willing/able to do. I feel like I'm the one who's out in front right now - not saying W can't or won't catch up, just sort of journaling on how I'm seeing this play out in my own sitch.

Make sense? Anybody else running into this?

[cat03]

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Felt bad I couldn't help more - but, on the other hand, we (men in particular) sometimes need to remember that it's not our job to fix everything that goes wrong for our spouses.
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True, she just wanted to express her feelings, and just by listening you've helped, I bet she felt better afterwards, she just needs a shoulder to cry on, don't feel like you have to fix everything.

[Heywyre]

I know exactly how you are feeling. One of the main issues we are dealing with concerning the A is that my H said "there were times I felt bad, other times I felt it wouldn't bother you because you are such a strong person". I have always been strong, that is one of the qualities H said he fell in love with but it seems that is one of the things that led him into the A too (him not being needed by me). I have tried to tell him that regardless of the fact I am strong, that doesn't mean I don't need him - he seemed surprised to hear that.

We all need each other, no man is an island - like they say

[SDFoundGirl]

I know your desire to help is well intended, but the truth is, the best you can do is be a model for your W. I let my H deal with is stuff and do little more than listen and validate. However, when he asks me about my day, i frequently go through my thought process on situations I've dealt with.

Really, it's been kind of freaky to hear him repeating phrases I've used with him...."i won't let my value be determined by my job," or, "It is what it is," or, "In the end that's his problem, not mine."

Just live your life transparently, and I think you'll see better results than trying to help W "fix" her sitch. It's all part of letting go of the responsibility of making our S happy...that's just not our business....

SD

[Rob1231]

Thanks SD.

I do think I'm walking that line pretty well. I didn't try to "fix", but I did try to suggest some approaches that might help her see her problem differently - the key point being that it's up to her to change her own attitude. Didn't belabor the point, just offered hopefully helpful suggestions, then backed way off and returned to listening and validating.

[Jen_Jam]

it's been kind of freaky to hear him repeating phrases I've used with him...."i won't let my value be determined by my job," or, "It is what it is," or, "In the end that's his problem, not mine."

You can say that again!!! I'm now getting "something you said to me ages ago was absolutely right"
My H is FINALLY taking on board the things I've said to him, it has taken MONTHS but he's realised he's not so great and right after all (he can tend to take the moral high ground at times) and that maybe sometimes he should listen to me.
Fortunatly I've changed enough to realise I'm not always right too.

Rob and SD - we are all getting there!!

[Rob1231]

Rob and SD - we are all getting there!!

Thanks Jen - yes, we are!

Going to our dance lesson soon - this month we start working on the Hustle. Later, we've going to some new friends' house for the Super Bowl (a couple who we met while we were all chaperones on the band trip.)

Today is a Good Day!