H and I separated 10 months ago, H came to stay when our son was born (11 weeks ago) and has been with me pretty much the whole time.
We have just started trying to put our M back together and generally things are going really well. H is sleeping in the spare room but has started to gradually move some of his things back in. (my main thread about my sitch is in - I need support for my marital problems "how can he abandon his baby?) Sorry, i don't know how to set up a link!!
My problem now is the whole trust issue. He said he wasn't having an affair and didn't leave me for someone else but he did start seeing someone else during our separation. I thought i would be able to handle that and push it out of my mind but i am finding it very difficult. Most of the time i am ok but then something reminds me that he has been with someone else. Also, and this is the big problem, he wont let his mobile phone out of sight, it is with him wherever he goes. He never used to do this in the past so it seems like he is trying to hide something. A couple of times i have walked into the room and he has been texting someone. He has looked really guilty and quickly puts the phone away. When i said to him (in a joking about way) why he looked so guilty he just said that i made him jump and he was just clearing all the junk from his phone.
Should i discuss this with him, if this is going to work i need constant reassurance. To be fair, he hasn't had many opportunities to see anyone but i still don't like the fact that he may still be in contact with ow.
Also, i am worried that when/if we start to have any sort of physical relationship again will i be able to stop thoughts of him and her together. We ML on new years eve (due to a mixture of alcohol for H and emotions for me) which i feel was a big mistake. Although i initiated it i kept thinking he may be comparing me to her. We have not done anything since then and i don't think i will be able to until i feel more secure about our future and i can push the ow out of the picture completely.
This is just as difficult now as it was when we were apart. If anything, i think it may be even more difficult because i could at least spend the evenings on here or talking to friends on the phone. But so far i've spent the evenings looking after baby son and watching tv while H sits at the computer. The house is full but i feel so lonely.
Before we separated i used to tell him that all i want was to feel wanted and loved. During the separation H told me he didn't love me and probably hadn't loved me for years. Obviously, i crave some love and affection from him but at the moment it feels as if i will never get to feel loved. In books which i have read it says give love and affection in order to receive it. The problem is, is that the right thing to do in this sitch. Iam worried that if i try any physical contact (holding hands etc.) he may push me away or think i am going too fast.
Any help and advice would be really appreciated. I have DB'ed like crazy and have got this far, i don't want to mess it up now!!!!!
Hey there, we all start this way, scared, wondering the other person is still around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking all sorts of things. It's only natural you dont' trust him, and only time will help you build that trust again.
In the case he had someone, he might be weaning off that person and might have old txt messages he doesn't want you to see (same thing happened in my case, my H wasn't himself when he came back.) He needs time to get back in the right state of mind. After a separation the WAS have developed a different rhytm and life, give him time, coming back to you is another huge adjustment.
About the SL, it is always ackward at the beginning. My H told me months ago that it is odd moving from one R to another, he felt unworthy and guilty, and guilt is a major mood killer. The only thing you can do right now is to confront your fears (ow), decide to forgive your H and move on. The mental picts used to kill me, but no more, when I ML w/my H , 9 times out of 10 I won't think of them.
I know it seems hard but you will overcome it. The first months of piecing are the hardest, the wounds are still fresh and there is mistrust in both sides. Do not let fear overcome you, it is a delicate sich but you'll do fine. Forget all that nonsence he told you about not loving you, you know it was just MLC/depression saying that. I actually brought that subject up w/my H, and he did admit that he was happy, it is just that they need to justify their escape.
I always recommend this book "healing the hurt in your marriage", an excellent piecing book. Hang in there, it'll be ok. Dont' wait for reassurances from your H right now, he might not have any to give you right now, he might still be out of sorts w/himself.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Unloved, Congratulations on surviving a separation, and making it to Piecing your M together! Your DB has likely had some influence on the outcome. I'm glad you have DB experience, as you will understand the DB terms as I use them.
When was the last time that you asked him if he's still seeing someone? You mentioned that he told you that he was seeing someone during your separation. When did he tell you that? How current is your information?
My guess is though that no matter what he tells you, you are going to have trust issues, at this time. The exclusivity of your R has been broken.
The behavior that you describe is difficult to assess. Michelle in DR cautions us to be careful about jumping to conclusions about our spouses's behavior and trying to read their minds.
You will need to "Act As If" you trust him. Policing someone's behavior is not the answer to eliminating it. Eliminating a negative behavior, doesn't guarantee replacement with a positive behavior. Relationships improve through promoting positives in ourselves and the R, and stopping patterns that create problems.
Should you discuss this with him? I don't know. What do you think the outcome would be? You seem like you would be approaching it from a vulnerable position, which would make it probably not a good idea, at this time.
Your primary goal is to feel loved and wanted. Can you break this down into realistic steps? What would he have to do to help you feel this way? These need to be realistic to where the R is at this time. Relationships improve via our reinforcing our partners for making small improvements.
Once you identify some realistic steps for him to take to meet your goal, then consider telling him, and see what he thinks. These are going to be framed in positive terms, so that he can succeed. It should be met with a positive response.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You are feeling and going through the exact same as me - our sitch's are the same again!!! My H takes his phone with him everywhere too which he also never used to do. It does make you suspicious but try not to let it eat you up or it will ruin what you've worked so hard for. My H stayed in the spare room for just over four weeks and has now been sleeping in our room for about four weeks and has started to kiss me on the lips now and gives me cuddles. It is a very slow painful process and like you say I think it is harder than being separated too. We are in such need of reassurance and love and affection and they aren't ready to give it in the same way they used to. The way you can give affection without physical contact which as you say needs to come from H first same as me is by doing everything else that you would do if you were happily married. I have made sure I'm really attentive to all H's other needs like making food, drinks, asking if he's OK, listening to him about his day at work, telling him to have a good time if he goes out and being happy and smiley all the time. I think this has worked for me and like I say H is now kissing me and seems to be warming up day by day. Someone on my thread has said that the last leg of the race is always the hardest and they are so right. I am scared of messing up too. Hope my suggestions are some help. Congratulations again for getting to piecing! IP
Oh and I just thought of something else. About your H loving you. I felt the same way - still do I guess but my H said the strangest thing the other day when I said it was hard for me not having his love (we were having a mini R talk which H is OK with BTW) He said he still loved me while we were appart so of course he loves me now. I thought to myself that wasn't what he was saying when we were appart. Like Cat says, it is just their alien side talking. I don't think your H would be back if he didn't love you. He just can't say it yet. Neither can mine. I'm sure we'll both hear it again soon. IP
UL, I think you need to continue to concentrate on you! Keep making yourself a damn good alternative to OW. I think others are right when they say he probably is pretty mixed up right now. Let him have his emails, texts whatever, the more you try to stop him with remarks like "why do you look guilty?" the more you keep OW alive and well. Act "as if" you are confident and a woman who can handle life with or without him. As he re-connects with you things will change. I think you are also in a difficult position because he hasn't yet told you the A with OW is over, unless I missed something! So you are still in play here. It's great to hear your progress, we're all proud of you here!!!!
But i feel totally numb, i've made a huge mistake - I'VE BLOWN IT!!!!
I've been getting more and more desperate to talk to H about how he thinks it is all going and why he wont leave his phone out of sight. Also, when the children are asleep and it's just us 2 together we just sit in silence watching tv - i hate that! So, i got to the point where i just couldn't stand it anymore, i really needed to talk. I began the conversation in the worst possible way, i just blurted out "you're still seeing her aren't you"? Obviously he looked shocked and was a bit speechless. I told him that i needed reassurance that it was definately over, that i felt that he was very cold towards me and that i didn't think we were making any progress!!! He said that he hadn't seen her since our son was born and (with a bit of pushing from me) said that he had spoken to her a few times. I said if it was going to work he needs to have no contact whatsoever with ow. He said he really wants it to work and has been trying really hard. I told him that i knew he was really trying and that i was grateful for that and appreciate all that he is doing but i have realised that his feelings for me hadn't changed - basically, he has no feelings for me. He agreed. He said it had nothing to do with ow, that the relationship with her was never anything serious.
Neither of us know where to go from here. I said that i couldn't go through it all again and maybe i should make the decision to D now. He said he hates that word but doesn't know what is going on in his head and feels under pressure.
I have just undone any good that i had achieved during the last 10 months - i am absolutely devastated.
Oh UL, honey, you have not undone ANYTHING!!!! Sometimes R talks are good for clearing the air, I think in piecing it's OK to have them just not loads of them, not very long ones. It's SO GOOD that H has dropped the OW and wants to try. You have blown NOTHING!!!! My H and I had a similar convo a while back, (there was no OW in our sitch but that's beside the point) he said he didn't want us to split up but he had no idea how we were going to stay together either. What worked for me was giving up on any kind of romantic R with my H for the time being and deciding we would become great friends and hope that love grew from that. I lokoed at the problems I had caused in our R and eliminated them, I looked very much at myself and worked out why I was causing the problems which helped too - I knew that even if my M failed I had to get rid of the bad bits of me, or I was never going to have a happy R again, with my H or anyone! We also did some Relate sessions which helped H open up to me a bit more, he liked the "controlled environment" where I couldn't start crying or shouting. At the end of the sessions (we did abotu 6) the C said our R was healthy and in good shape, but we just needed time to reconnect. She wasn't kidding! We needed MONTHS of reconnecting!!!! But we got there in the end. I haven't read your whole sitch so I don't know what your particular problems were, but my advice now is that you have a H who doesn't want to walk away so BIG DEEP BREATH and remember to go slow and take things easy. You will likely be at this for a fair few more months, so be patient but if you keep up the DB'ing (and it seems you're good at that so far - well one) you are giving your M its best chance. Remember too you have blown nothing - it's just a slip up. Say you were painting a room and you got somethign wrong - you wouldn't give up on decorating the room, you would put right the mistake and carry on. Also like dieting - if you have one day where you blow it you don't suddenly get fat again, you just say "oh well" and start the diet again.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I forgot to say H thinks that we shouldn't have to put any effort in. He says that if feelings are not naturally there, then they were probably never there in the first place. He says he keeps searching for feelings for me but they just aren't there. Do you think it would be a good idea if he read Michelles book?
The hugs have stopped and his texts don't end with a kiss anymore! I can't take much more of this.
More or less verbatum what my H said. His line was "I don't want to force my feelings, there is nothing I can do". I just smiled, nodded, and thought "yeah right - just you wait and see" Now he's realising that love and happiness are decisions we make, not feelings that are just "there". Granted sometimes you feel happiness with no effort, but the rest of the time you choose it. My advice on this would be to ignore what H said about effot and carry on with the DB. WAS's don't have the strength that usLBS's have. I wouldn't give him the book. He'd probably never pick it up, and if you did give it to him the message would be "I am right and you are wrong", and it would come over as you trying to force his feelings. The only way to make someone change is by changing yourself. Yes you can talk people into things but it won't last. The longer route is to change his ideas by changing your behaviour, and make him think it was all HIS idea to change in the first place. Result? All round winner. But it takes a LOOOOOONG time.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
IP