OSU, its funny because sometimes I hear this little voice in the back of my head saying "What kind of an idiot is this happy and still living like this!" and the other one that seems to say "if you're not angry and pouting then you don't really care"! There's also that little boy who wants to strike back and hurt in return. I think we all have those little voices telling us these "gospel truths" and they fall under the radar sometimes. I believe it's important to acknowledge them, talk back and sometimes give em a good sh!tkicking Thanks for checking in OSU and helping to keep my flame alive! What comes after the flame, do I get a blender after 300 views?Can I trade it in for Air Miles? Wow, I gotta check this out.
As a true believer, I must look at my sitch the last two weeks and ask "what is different?" What I've noticed, since I had that little talk about going for m counselling with my W, is her demeaner is much gentler, she seems more patient and seems to think before addressing issues with me. I've noticed that when little things go wrong (as they always will day to day life) she hasn't been slamming things around, sighing heavily or making snarky comments (D13 still gets a few though).I feel like I'm walking less on eggshells. I actually feel that once in a while I can actually talk a bit about my day or a humorous event and get some response. On the whole, she seems happier. On only one occassion did the "poor me" stuff start to rear its ugly head but after she let out a few verbal lashes she pulled it together and got back in the game. Why is this happening? I don't know but it started right after our talk when I told her that I was not happy living this way and it could not go on endlessly, something had to be resolved. I've also not been physical with her (no hugs, no goodbye kisses) and I've concentrated more on me and my day to day activities. I don't rush to rescue her if she's struggling with something. I leave her be and keep my mood positive. Maybe she's thinking if she makes things a little nicer around here I will be less inclined to take a walk, who knows. In the past she has taken on more responsibility, just as last week she took on running the kids around on Friday night, and it usually results in resentment and lashing out after a short period. I haven't sensed that on the horizon this time though. She even addressed the issue of my activity schedule in a quite appropriate way ("You can still do whatever you want...")which resulted in me giving her what she wanted because she treated me with respect and made some sense. So, these are just some observations, what they mean nobody knows. I guess it's been pretty good lately, that's all I know. So, if it works, keep doing it!
I don't know why but it seems the more we pull away (sometimes, not always) the closer they want to get. But, that's not what we really want to do, we WANT to get closer. It throws my head into a spin that drives me nuts.
I hate having to play games. Why can't we just be who we are and have them accept that. After all, aren't we accommodating them and accepting them - flaws and all? It seems we have to do all the bending over backwards and it was them screwing around. Kinda seems a little lopsided wouldn't you think?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Whatis, Man you rock! I can't wait until I grow up to be just like you
Just as soon as my W catches on to what an incredible guy she has right in front of her, its off to dance class. I think we will go for latin dance though
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
Well, Whatis was in one pissy mood today! I can't remember being so angry and sullen for a whole day like this. I guess W's little discussion with girls about us going on a family cruise in March ticked me off. Firstly, she didn't bother to discuss it with me, secondly, where was the money to come from! Thirdly, I had just told her two weeks ago that this little arrangement cannot continue for much longer. So, what does she do? Plan a family vacation!!! Tonight I told her to forget cruising anywhere. Of course, she can't understand where the money went! I showed her the bills and listened to her remarks which subtly indicated an ineptness on my part. This was one of her little bugaboos that I "controlled" the money (so she started stashing some money from her paycheque away in case I took off and cleaned out the bank account!). My control is basically that I pay the bills. I wrote up a budget for her, as she requested, last time this came up and she never bothered to read it and comment on it, as I had asked her to do. Anyway, dream vacation is off. Maybe I can use this in some way to work on a togetherness budgeting plan? Or maybe I'll just sell the b!tch and use the cash to retire our small debt. Next thing was that D13 wanted to go to a movie and the mall with her girlfriends today. I went to talk to W about it last night and she snarkily said "I don't care what she does" and stormed off, D had been hounding her about it before I got home. This morning I approached her again, because I know damn well she cares, and got more attitude in the guise of questioning my thoughts regarding this, in a condescending tone she said "So you were against her going before, but now you are OK with it, how does that work" It's like we can't discuss the issue like two parents, it feels like some kind of chess match. Finally I said "could you please just make your point " and of course she denied having a point! It was like pulling teeth to get any kind of helpful input. God knows why I stay and put up with this b!tch. She deserves to be alone. sometimes I just feel like driving her teeth down her snarky little throat (especially today) and, of course, I never would! I've really just been trying not to blow today, I came close a couple of times but I'm very aware of the damage a blow up would do, and I don't want the kids to hear that ever again. It happened once in the summer where W and I were screaming horrible things at each other and the kids witnessed it all. I promised them that it would never happen again. I kept my word today. I guess that's a victory. I just felt so damn angry today!
I have found that addressing things when they happen does a lot to prevent the buildup of resentment. You get angry at your W from time to time as a result of things she says to you, yet do you tell her how you feel? I have found that when I tell my W that she's speaking to me in a tone I don't appreciate that I tend to feel better about myself afterwards, vs. when I let her speak and let all of this go. I'm not saying you should try and force her to stop, rather, you should communicate your feelings when she speaks to you in a way you don't like. Furthermore, you should be prepared to remove yourself from a situation that is abusive or unhealthy for you. Remember, people can only abuse you as much as you are willing to allow - and if you are resentful about your W's treatment of you, you are allowing more than you should.
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God knows why I stay and put up with this b!tch. She deserves to be alone. sometimes I just feel like driving her teeth down her snarky little throat
Don't put up with the bitch - don't allow her to treat you in a way that you think is unacceptable - but encourage the great wife in her. Tell her that you don't want to be treated the way she has been, whether she's using a condescending tone or outright attacking you, and then tell her that you will not participate in a conversation where she speaks to you as less than an equal. Then be very aware of when you begin to feel uncomfortable in a conversation and make her aware. If she doesn't change her tone, end the conversation.
If you ask me what her point is, it's to make you out to be less than you are. It's to prove to herself that you're not good enough for her - probably a way to offset the guilt she's feeling - but what's really important to recognize is that you are confirming it for her every time you allow her to speak to you that way. She tears you down and you take it. You allow it.
If you address things when they happen you don't get to the point where you might blow up. You address something and then it's done while it's still an incident. Don't wait until you have a list of offenses. Sacrificing yourself for your marriage will never work.
Last edited by MuddleThrough; 02/05/0702:40 PM.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, I do believe you are right here! The thought occured to me yesterday but, honestly, I thought if I opened that can of worms in the mood I was in, it could go bad fast. It was not the day. I think I was really angry at what appears to be her lack of any sense of reality here! She's planning family vacations after I just got through telling her I'm not willing to go much longer like this. To others her reaction may be perfectly reasonable, to just continue on "as if" but it pushed a button in me. As far as courtesy etc, I believe it is reasonable to tell her at the time that I would prefer her to address me different manner. If she wants to continue treating me like furniture at other times, that's up to her but in actual conversations she needs to keep a leash on herself. I'm ready to go for it, Muddle. I'm always so conscious of keeping a tolerable atmosphere in the house that I probably do walk away from alot that should be addressed. The key is to separate my emotional anger towards her for other things right now from the actual incident I am addressing. Thanks for dropping be Muddle.
yes, fellow furniture, he nailed it didn't he? I too am having a pissy day. Not surprising given that spouse "went out" last night. And like you whatsis, I have been at this a long time. I have privately thought I can't do it much longer but didn't share that with spouse yet. In my sitch I see many opportunities to give truthful answers but shy away from them. Example: after dinner spouse goes to computer, shuts door, and emails lover. I'm 20ft away in the kitchen. Does closing the door make her think I don't know what she's doing? I am, of course, deeply hurt by this. She comes out, looks at my face and says: "what's wrong?" I answer "nothing that I'm willing to talk about right now". True but weenie answer. For me it all seems so obvious that when she asks some INANE question like "what's wrong" it seems useless to be truthful or upfront.
I MUST start being more "off the cuff" and say what I really mean but it is so Fing hard for me. Part of it is I want to scream "you're f((*&^ing nuts, what do you MEAN "what's wrong?"??!?!?!?!? I know that the few times I have "nailed" her on her behavior she has improved or at least changed it.
God I'm tired of this. Sorry to hijack Whaty!http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/mad.gif
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Thanks for checking in OSU and helping to keep my flame alive! What comes after the flame, do I get a blender after 300 views?Can I trade it in for Air Miles? Wow, I gotta check this out.
