Things around here are going...no drama, nothing exciting.
I'm working on my new tasks...found a counselor and had my first session yesterday. Ugh, going through the whole story of our R made me realize just how weak I've been in my M--I did not stand for my family and demand respect from H for so many years (I thought that being nice and supportive was enough). In a lot of ways, I'm still not standing strong--walking on eggshells for fear of undoing any progress we've made. So that's goal #1 on my list with the C: learning how to set boundaries and change my behavior in a loving, yet respectful and firm way.
This morning I'm fighting with the fear/anxiety associated with digging it all back up, but I also had the opportunity to visit with my sister yesterday...haven't seen her in over a year, and it felt really good to be able to tell her that I'm doing GREAT. I'm so much more happy in my own skin, and realize my own power to direct my experiences. So I'm working on paying more attention to that inner voice!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Well, there's a whole lot of silence between H and I right now. He's too busy to call, and I don't call him anymore unless the kids want to talk to him or we need something desperately. He's spending nearly all his free time after work on his current ATV modification project. When that's done, there are several more projects to turn his attention to. Someday I would like family time to be nearly as important as horse power. :P
In his defense, He IS making some effort for us each day...coming home with or for supper, calling late to say goodnight, or stopping by the house late at night to check on his UPS shipments. He spent most of last Saturday with us, shopping for and installing a new washer and dryer.
One good development: when he stops by late at night, he usually takes some time to talk to me...so I'm practicing my listening skills. He talked for nearly two hours last night, and I made sure I said NOTHING about ME (my thoughts, etc.), asked non-personal questions--kept it all about him. He talked about developments at work, the quad project he's working on, a little about Christmases as a boy (in reference to the fact that our kids have WAY more toys than we did growing up).
So, I guess I'd have to say I'm fine. I'm keeping most of my fear, anger and resentment at bay and trying to be patient and find joy in each day. I'm looking forward to learning how to start building a new R. But when it comes down to it, we can't really until he's ready. So hard not to want to jump the gun!
and I made sure I said NOTHING about ME (my thoughts, etc.), asked non-personal questions--kept it all about him.
I find this VERY hard, but VERY necessary to lengthening the time that H will talk. Good for you. This whole thing just wears my a$$ out lately. It really can be a minute by minute thing. When I want to scream at him, if I wait a while, it will pass. When I think there might be a little positive hope, if I wait awhile, that too will pass. What a PITA.
What I wouldn't give some days to be safe and trusting in my heart again. sigh.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
H stood us up last night. I was 85% expecting him to, so not too much pain inflicted. I was thinking that we were on our way to piecing for awhile there, but over the past week or so I can see that he's still very much on his own. And seems to like it that way.
Is there a danger in my 'patiently' waiting for him to get his crap together? Will he think it's okay for him to leave me hanging FOREVER? Will our kids grow up knowing only a 10-min-every-other-day-father? Ugh.
Not to worry, I think my skin is getting tougher. It won't bring my whole day down...just thoughts going through my head like water.
Is there a danger in my 'patiently' waiting for him to get his crap together? Will he think it's okay for him to leave me hanging FOREVER? Will our kids grow up knowing only a 10-min-every-other-day-father? Ugh.
I often wonder about that too! Although my S5 is doing a really good job at giving the H a guilt trip. I guess he was lecturing him last night. He was telling him "Daddy, you need to come home. You know that you need to be here with us." I guess H just ignored it or didn't respond. Makes me ill at time.
Keep your head up Aud! WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
But I figure, if I can climb this mountain? Ain't no limit to what I can do! You too!