New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

Hello everyone. I've had quite the past two days. Let me share:

The other night I was talking to W about bills and she was getting frustrated trying to figure out the passwords and things so I decided to ask how she was doing. She said that she is really stressed about school and work and taking care of the kids. She also said that my running out the door without even saying "Hi" to her upsets her and makes her think I'm just being a dick. So the extreme LR that I have been doing may be too much. I guess I need to keep up with the LR, but also add in time to be her friend on a very limited basis.

I had my counseling session yesterday morning and my counselor told me that she is amazed at the completely different person that I am today than what I was two weeks ago. She then strongly encouraged me to ask the W if I could share my progress with her. The counselor told me to be sure to only focus on the changes in me and not to get into any R talk or future talk and if she attacks me to not react to it, but to stay focused on my problems that I have found and am working on.

So I called the W and left a voicemail asking if I could share with her my progress and that I'd like to talk to her but if she'd prefer I could just send it in an e-mail or if she would prefer not to hear it at all I would understand and to just let me know what she decided.

She called me back a little later and said that she'd listen to me but I couldn't talk about our R or future at all. I agreed to meet her at home after work.

I texted her and asked her if she would order a pizza since I would be over there. She replied "Ok."

After that she called and asked if I could pick up some things at the store for her. I agreed. She called back several times to add to the list before I left work. Once I was done with her shopping, I went to the house.

I unloaded the groceries and ate then asked her if she was ready. We went out back while the kids were eating and watching a movie. I told her about all of the things that I had discovered about myself most importantly the control that I placed on her. My first step in my SLAA program, my bottom-line behavior of control. I also told her (at the counselors suggestion) that the best example that I could give of my change in behavior is when I inadvertantly saw the picture of her new tattoo because it was sent from my e-mail account. I told her that I understood why she may be scared to share it with me due to my past controlling and insecure behavior. I told her that it looked great, and that I was sorry that she may have felt that she couldn't share it with me. I shared a little more about what I had discovered about myself and apologized for not finding my sickness earlier. All of this was pre-written so that I did not say the wrong thing. I actually read it from paper.

After I was done we talked for another hour. She actually brought up our future because she shared that she feels like its over. Kinda bad, but I'm proud of myself for not reacting like the old controlling insecure me! I just kept the focus on understanding her feelings and focusing on what I've done wrong. She also said that she misses everything about me that she fell in love with. She also said at one point when I was discussing the changes in me that she doesn't want me to change the things she fell in love with. I explained to her the two halfs of me, the one half that is who she fell in love with, and the other half that is a co-dependant love addict that could never feel loved because I couldn't love myself. And that I was working to kill that second person and replace him with a whole person. She said that she still doesn't want a Divorce because she is scared that she may regret it two months down the road because she doesn't know what her feelings will be like then.

So, even though she said some hurtful things like that she thinks it's over, I have to keep hope in the fact that she doesn't yet KNOW it's over. I did have some ILY's in there but just a few. I have to keep changing me, that's my focus. I asked her to not listen to my words because I know they mean nothing right now, but to watch my actions and to notice the changes that I am making in myself. She said she would.

I am MOST proud of the fact that from that conversation, I can SEE the changes that ARE happening in me. I didn't react in an insecure manner to her hurtful statements. I kept my head straight and focused on the problems with me, and no probing questions about where she thinks we are headed. I can't believe who I was last night. I am still wondering if it was real.

Thanks for all your help. Write me back and let me know how you think I did. I'm picking up the kids again tonight because she works late and I'm staying a little extra so that she can go tan. No ILY or IMU and still keeping to my 'soft' LR technique.

Thanks again!