Off the crazy train?

[trytoohard]

TTH,
I seem to recall that H was going to tell you when he had contact with the OW. He also was going to suspend contact once her items were returned. Where are you at in the process?
He just returned Tuesday. Has not returned her stuff yet and had agreed to tell me when he saw or spoke to her. I basically had to "gently extract" the info from him when I sensed his unease.

Were these your private R goals, or did he agree to it? Did he meet these expectations?
He agreed to no contact after her stuff was returned (I see a loophole here!) He has not met those expectations yet.

Do you think it's possible that he's trying to solve the termination issue with her? YES

Does it sound like it's coming to and end? YES

Is it a problem he would consider letting you help him with? MAYBE

Would you be willing to help him manage her, so that he can terminate the R? ABSOLUTELY!

Did your tone of voice promote defensiveness in him?
He was very withdrawn and behaving like he does when he wants me to quiz him because he doesn't want to come out and say something that might upset me. I have never been a yeller or screamer and am often very calm (too clinical according to my therapist :))

It sounds like the conversation was short and abrupt. If you approached him like a partner, with the intent of being helpful and nonjudgmental, could there be a different outcome?
The conversation was gentle and reassuring in my opinion. I have been his most devoted friend for the past 6 weeks and been supportive of him openly mourning her, to the point that H often forgets that I am his wife and says things that would rip the heart out of a normal person. H is still not being honest with me and he is testing my boundries at this point. I have asked for honesty and proved that I can handle anything he tells me calmly and with love (according to him).

I feel like he panicked over New Years at the impending divorce and realizing our M was almost over. I feel like H is settling for me because I have been his most devoted friend and faithful wife, like I deserve the prize if you will. I had detached to the point that he felt it, knew in his bones that I had let him go and he didn't want to be let go. His first therapy appt will be next week with a fantastic therapist, great reputation. His other counselor was unwilling/able to help him sort out his feelings for me and OW due to his Christian base.

Should I ask him to return her stuff ASAP or let him do it on his own time? If I insist on NC, I feel like he will just contact her anyway then lie to me. I have been a bit of a doormat with regard to validating and accepting his "needs". Boundries are something I am trying to master now that I've got detatchment down!


Concerned_Listener