Thank you so much for writing what I was thinking but couldn't state as eloquently as you did.
My issue with responding to Cemar is a personal one in that I "hear" my friend's xH in what he is saying and react to it. The other issues in their marriages may be different but this part is similar. The H made it clear over and over that his wife was not giving him what he wanted, didn't desire him the way he wanted AND because of wife he was not happy and not secure. But the funny thing is that the wife did desire him and adore him. So where was the breakdown?? Obviously they BOTH contributed to the problem. My friend was willing and DID accept her responsibility. That was the sad thing was to listen to her as she went through personal counseling and really WORKED on herself. The issue that broke their marriage, IMHO, was that in the end the H laid ALL the blame at my friend's feet. Because EVERYTHING she did was a problem, even when she "improved" in one area, the H would then focus on another. He also accepted almost no blame except stating that he had always done too much for her (and yes in marriage counseling that was the only mistake he said he had made). Please remember that this H is (was?) a very good friend of mine also and I care for him also. It was just frustrating talking with him because he blamed his wife for everything. Believe me that if she had blamed him for everything I would feel the same way about her.
I had written a much longer post that I didn't post here because I don't feel like it would have been read in the right context. I'll probably post it on Burgbud's thread when I get around to it because I think it fits better with his topic. However one of the comments I made about Cemar was the fact that he hasn't clearly stated his goal as far as I know. He says that he cannot be happy in the relationship so the only thing left is to do something that he doesn't want to do – divorce his wife. How is that not abdicating control of your own life? So someone else makes you go against your own principles? It doesn't make sense to me. If your goal is to keep your marriage together then start looking at what you can do and let go of what you have no control over. If your goal is to have your wife change and love you the way you want or else you are going to leave, fine. Tell her that explicitly and see what happens. Deraven and I had this talk recently about his xW. Yes she had told him she was unhappy about the marriage but she never told him that she was ready to leave until the minute she left. You can argue all you want about whether he "should have" known but in my mind unless you make it clear to your spouse exactly what you want and the CONSEQUENCES of what will happen if you don't get it then I don't think you gave your spouse or marriage a fair shot. But, and I may be cynical, I think that is the EXACT purpose of not explicitly stating what you want. That way you can leave feeling like they should have known what you needed but never really give them a chance to make the changes. Or maybe you told them what was wrong but never really explained how problematic it is. Deraven's xW still harasses him with this kind of stuff a year and a half after she remarried. She still has to stress to him that leaving him wasn't what she wanted but that she was FORCED into by him. Is Cemar treating his wife any differently? Does his wife clearly know how Cemar feels? If she does, has she clearly decided that she doesn't want to meet his needs AND she is willing to let him walk out on her? Just wondering.
At the same time realize that as soon as you tell your spouse explicitly what you want, it will be a very difficult change for them. For my personality, when I was making the changes my H said he wanted, it was very stressful especially when I had backslides (which are natural but frustrating just the same). And at the same time you had better be honest with yourself that those ARE the exact changes you want someone to make. I know for my xH as soon as I started making all of the changes he "wanted", magically other issues kept coming up, one by one. Which in hindsight points to the larger issue, he wasn't truly happy within himself and that is why no matter what I did, it was never enough to change how he felt. It was the same thing with my friend and her xH and with the majority of walkaways in my opinion.
And finally this is how it ties back into this thread's title - Deida's The way of the superior man. I haven't read the book yet but from what I've picked up from the posts it is very much about a man establishing his happiness and sense of self worth from himself and not from his wife.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
