Snow day so I've been cleaning and thinking! Question for ya'll and MWD if she ever reads the BB. Is there a point in DBing when the best course of action is to say screw it.. I'm finished? I need to pull out DR and read it again. I ask because the big changes in J came when I threw in the towel. I'm seeing that in some other Rs also and I wonder if there's a time when expecting nothing out of a S leads to getting nothing out of them. My best MF has been struggling in his R for over a year. He's doing what I'd call DBing his butt off. His partner is with him, but giving almost zilch to the R. They sleep together but do not ML..and my MF has made the majority of the effort. Like me and J, they've been going to a C, but MF is the one working to change. About a month ago he reached his limit and decided that he was never going to get what he needs out of this R. He feels angry and resentful. So, he went to their C and asked her to help him end the R. He has started sleeping in the spare room and has stopped working to make the R better. His partner has become very worried and is now the one working his tail off to fix things. So much so that he's annoying my MF by being clingy. Reminds me soooo much of what J and I have been through. When he lost me.. he realized what he was losing and decided he'd better start working on the R. I have a GF that basically went through the same thing. Her BF treated her like crap and she gave up her job to move to where he is in order to work on the R. When she got there, he still wasnt working on the R with her. She left and moved back and now he's in counseling and giving it an honest effort. What gives? Don't a lot of LBS here get motivated by the threat of losing their WAS, and then they start making changes for the R that should have been made before?
So, what's the difference in R's that are DB'd through patience and one spouse changing, and R's that reconcile because the WAS realizes they are going to lose the LBS if they don't start trying too? And, is there a point where it will take a wake up call for someone to realize they're taking a R for granted and that expecting someone to stay in limbo is unacceptable?
Is there a time to DB and put our needs aside, change ourself and encourage a WAS to recommit.. and then is there a time when recommitting isnt enough and something has to be done to move the R to the next level so that the WAS doesnt take it for granted that they can be in the R without feeding and caring for it?
Just curious.. I hope ya'll will post your thoughts and opinions on this one.. I've been wondering about it for awhile. Sometimes it's hard to post things even because what has worked in my sitch seems to go against DBing... but then maybe I'm mis interpreting.
