That makes perfect sense to me, Mojo. Why would we hate you for that statement; it's true. He will go through these ups and downs no matter who he is with. Just make sure YOU don't attract another one like him-- it could happen.
It helps when you post to me, Jenny, because I get to see how my moods affect my H. I can hear it better from you because you don't have that provoking, jerky streak my H has. For instance, I could imagine you helping me cook and having this cheerful, encouraging demeanor...with mh H I'm always on my guard for the jabs.
I was going to say the exact same thing to you. I can even possibly explain your H's jerky behavior for you. He was angry with himself because he's put up with you not cooking all these years because he's a wimp and now you were showing him that it was something that you always could have done to care for him but chose not to bother until now.
BTW- I have a real life friend who reminds me of you very much. She once asked me for help designing her garden since she didn't have much experience and I was, as you indicated, cheerful and encouraging....LOL.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
my H has never encouraged me to cook and has, in fact, discouraged me with various negative comments along the way. And because of my own issues, I bought into the idea that I am incompetent at cooking. The healthy part of me is winning out now... I can cook, I can enjoy sex, I am ok. The unhealthy part of H still tries to sabotage, but underneath I do feel he wants a " regular" wife.
By my being so non-regular, H was able to tune me out and get gratification from the outside world ( this is the 3 in him). Having the distance and lack of intimacy " worked" for him.
I am so happy this is turning around. In reality, we are just two regular everyday people...yet it's amazing how our perceptions and thoughts can lead to more and more dysfunction.
Okay, now I'm not relating to your H at all. If I compare your lack of cooking with my H's lack of doing repair work around the house, I can't see how I might have discouraged him with negative comments. It was more like he constantly discouraged himself with negative comments and I was too wimpy to make it clear that I would prefer it if he would persevere in the face of "Where in the f*ck is the hammer?" or "I don't know how to do this sh*t." etc.. Maybe, your H is more like my MIL who wanted my FIL to do more for her around the house but was always complaining in a perfectionistic way about the way he did it so he never did it so my H never learned how from him. My FIL is super-handy man in his happier third! marriage.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yes, that's it...my H has some of that perfectionistic, negative stuff going on with me ( and the kids as well). But he can also be flaky and fun, so it's confusing. He can be very difficult to live with, and in that way, reminds me more of your H than you. My problem was taking it all too seriously. Even my kids do a better job of shrugging him off ( S12 will mutter something under his breath or directly get into it with H; D14 will roll her eyes). You can learn a lot from your kids.
Last night I made a nice dinner. I changed into something nice and was in a pleasant mood when H came home. He complimented me, the meal, but then he got on my case about the lack of conversation, telling me I am not a good conversationalist. I really wasn't ready for this and so another episode of mood fusion ensued. I was pretty much in a crappy mood all night and H was just fine, back to his cheerful self. This is what I mean when I say he has this negativity that he tosses onto me.
Anyway, I just let things go and snapped out of it eventually.
then he got on my case about the lack of conversation, telling me I am not a good conversationalist
Well, that's a bunch of cr*p. You should have said "Well, it's hard for me to talk when there's a d*ck in my face, but I am having a strong gag reflex.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, I do think that saying something witty is the best form of differentiation ( like when I told him his attempts to criticize my crockpot cooking were a crock) but I wasn't at that place last nite. He found a new route to fusion, and I wasn't on my game.
