hmm.. so what is the fix to that problem that isnt a cheesless tunnel? Figuring out what your goal is, what your boundaries are maybe? I think if I could go back and change something, I'd have done things differently when J and I were at this point. I'd have gotten straight into IC or made a call to a DB coach and asked for help because it was too much for me to handle alone. That would have been a way to love myself and get support when I was struggling. I was confused.. felt like I was at the end of my rope.. angry and felt it was unfair for me to wait,etc. Instead I demanded that he leave and the space helped us.. but it sure was a hard way to get here and it didnt love and nurture the R I was trying to save.
You have a right to feel the way you do Mama. You've been hurt and you need a bandaid and some comfort. Can you keep DBing and moving forward right now, or are you overwhelmed? What works? What's worked in the past when H seemed happy and said he loved spending time with you? Either way, it might not hurt to seek out help for your anger and resentment. I did that a few months after J and I separated and it did help. She pointed out that I was allowing myself to be treated like a doormat instead of becoming stronger and teaching others how to treat me. And in the end, she and our family Dr. helped me to focus on the one goal that would lead to happiness for me.. saving our family. Even alone I struggled with my feelings and with J. I had to face that being true to myself and meeting my goals in life involved saving our family, and yes, that will require change, a lot of work and personal sacrifices. It means I have to exercise patience while J is slowly changing, and I have to be honest with myself about my contributions to the problem. I hold onto stuff and get angry. I have too many expectations and try to control the outcome. I expect J to make me feel loved and happy because I havent quite figured out how to gain that for myself. I also have to face that I'm often guilty of what I accuse J of. Yes, he wasnt exactly in our R entirely committed, but neither was I. Yes, obligation and financial considerations were up front in his decision, but heck, I can say the same thing if I'm honest. It isnt undying love that totally keeps us together. We have to grow that out of our committment to our family and to each other. It's the icing. I am crazy about him and always have been, but at times I was here just because it was the only thing I knew to do. J knows that.. we've had to move past that and forgive. We're human and what matters now is that our committment has led us to wanting an intimate/personal R too. Had to swallow a lot of pride and anger to get there and believe we could have it thougn!
Gawd I hate it that so many of us are struggling with the same things. It's scary because things get broken and what we want more than anything is to fix it. It's sooo hard and hard to believe there's hope when you're in the middle of a bad time. There is hope.. hope because your H is there and committed. I think that your H has said that he can live like this forever? That it's the way his life will just have to be? Do you think that's true? I wonder though.. if he has accepted it, then why in would he have sought out OW? Maybe because it's not enough for him to live a life without love, intimacy and passion. If he needs that in his life, I have to believe that he'll eventually seek it out with you because you're his wife and he's committed to the R. It might take him awhile to realize that and come out of the fog, but if he's not acting like he's leaving that's a big deal IMO. Once I made the committment to my family and realized that the only source for that in my life was J.. I started trying to figure out how to get there. And, that's what you've done too.. you committed to DBing and you're trying your hardest to have a better R with your H. You've said you rejected him in the past and he was trying to be close to you. You've come around, but it took awhile and for you to realize how important your R is. I hope your H wakes up soon and realizes he needs to be close to you too.
