You asked "What are you thinking specifically that's feeding the resentment?
Here is about what my mental dialogue used to be "J is still working with the sl*t. He doesnt care about me or how I feel about it. They are probably eating lunch together every day while I'm here kissing his butt trying to save our M"
My internal diagogue is much the same: They are probably eating lunch together everyday and have secret meetings after work while I'm here kissing his butt trying to save our M.
The truth was... yes, he was still working with OW. The truth as to why wasnt because he wanted to work with her or cause me pain. He was working with her because we needed the income and he hadnt found another job. The truth was that he did care about me.. proof is that he came home to me every night. He cared how I felt about it, but probably couldnt deal with my feelings at the time because he was confused and guilt ridden himself. As far as them spending time together.. I have no idea. he says he wasnt, but that still wasnt the problem. The prob was that he wasnt spending time with me, or working HIS butt of on our M. That was the root of my anger and resentment. And, OW had nothing to do with it, but I told myself she did. I wasnt working on how to encourage him to spend more time with me and recommit to the M.. I was working on getting him away from OW and confronting him and trying to control that created more distance. Cheeseless tunnel for me. I shouldve been trying to DB better and show him I was changing so that he'd willingly decide that he wanted to spend time with me and make our M better because it was worth it.
The above is exactly what I would say too! I am mad because he doesn't come straight home from work to spend time with me and that hurts. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about me and then I think he stayed in this M because it was the right thing to do for the kids as well as financially impossible to leave. That coupled with the fact that he never really admitted to anything and NEVER apologized. I resent him because he betrayed me and hurt me so badly and never once told me he was sorry. It's like he expects me to forget about it and move on, well I can't.
hmm.. so what is the fix to that problem that isnt a cheesless tunnel? Figuring out what your goal is, what your boundaries are maybe? I think if I could go back and change something, I'd have done things differently when J and I were at this point. I'd have gotten straight into IC or made a call to a DB coach and asked for help because it was too much for me to handle alone. That would have been a way to love myself and get support when I was struggling. I was confused.. felt like I was at the end of my rope.. angry and felt it was unfair for me to wait,etc. Instead I demanded that he leave and the space helped us.. but it sure was a hard way to get here and it didnt love and nurture the R I was trying to save.
You have a right to feel the way you do Mama. You've been hurt and you need a bandaid and some comfort. Can you keep DBing and moving forward right now, or are you overwhelmed? What works? What's worked in the past when H seemed happy and said he loved spending time with you? Either way, it might not hurt to seek out help for your anger and resentment. I did that a few months after J and I separated and it did help. She pointed out that I was allowing myself to be treated like a doormat instead of becoming stronger and teaching others how to treat me. And in the end, she and our family Dr. helped me to focus on the one goal that would lead to happiness for me.. saving our family. Even alone I struggled with my feelings and with J. I had to face that being true to myself and meeting my goals in life involved saving our family, and yes, that will require change, a lot of work and personal sacrifices. It means I have to exercise patience while J is slowly changing, and I have to be honest with myself about my contributions to the problem. I hold onto stuff and get angry. I have too many expectations and try to control the outcome. I expect J to make me feel loved and happy because I havent quite figured out how to gain that for myself. I also have to face that I'm often guilty of what I accuse J of. Yes, he wasnt exactly in our R entirely committed, but neither was I. Yes, obligation and financial considerations were up front in his decision, but heck, I can say the same thing if I'm honest. It isnt undying love that totally keeps us together. We have to grow that out of our committment to our family and to each other. It's the icing. I am crazy about him and always have been, but at times I was here just because it was the only thing I knew to do. J knows that.. we've had to move past that and forgive. We're human and what matters now is that our committment has led us to wanting an intimate/personal R too. Had to swallow a lot of pride and anger to get there and believe we could have it thougn!
Gawd I hate it that so many of us are struggling with the same things. It's scary because things get broken and what we want more than anything is to fix it. It's sooo hard and hard to believe there's hope when you're in the middle of a bad time. There is hope.. hope because your H is there and committed. I think that your H has said that he can live like this forever? That it's the way his life will just have to be? Do you think that's true? I wonder though.. if he has accepted it, then why in would he have sought out OW? Maybe because it's not enough for him to live a life without love, intimacy and passion. If he needs that in his life, I have to believe that he'll eventually seek it out with you because you're his wife and he's committed to the R. It might take him awhile to realize that and come out of the fog, but if he's not acting like he's leaving that's a big deal IMO. Once I made the committment to my family and realized that the only source for that in my life was J.. I started trying to figure out how to get there. And, that's what you've done too.. you committed to DBing and you're trying your hardest to have a better R with your H. You've said you rejected him in the past and he was trying to be close to you. You've come around, but it took awhile and for you to realize how important your R is. I hope your H wakes up soon and realizes he needs to be close to you too.
Piglet, Thanks for being there for me. I actually don't think that I will ever get an apology because that would in a sense mean that H admits to doing something wrong. So, it is a cheeseless tunnel to expect one.
I never really thought of it before but I would have to say that my love language is words of affirmation. It is something that I have always wanted even going back to childhood. I long for someone to tell me that I am a good person and to acknowledge that they realize that I am doing my best and they love me for it. Ok, can you tell that I am insecure and have zero confidence in myself. How can anyone love someone who doesn't feel worthy of that love?
In defense of my H, he probably thinks he is doing all the right things but because it is not the things that I need I am not giving him any credit.
I can relate Mama We have a joke in our family that relates to wanting WOA. I love it too. When I do something that I think deserves praise I go overboard looking for it. J will say "whilly whoop!" because he says that I often expect someone to do them when I want that praise. It happened when we finished D12 room last week.. I kept dragging him in there and saying "doesnt it look great?" lol Even the kids know I'm that way... if they offer up WOA..example.. D12 said her room turned out better than she pictured it and thanked me. She said she'd never have picked out the bedding I suggested, but it turned out great. Then I sayd "because..." and she said "because you're awesome of course!" Poor kids.. when I say "because" they all follow it with "youre awesome" and we laugh about it.
Don't beat yourself up Mama.. you're human, and you're awesome. It's helped me to admit things about myself to my family that aren't exactly attractive and to share with them my personal struggles. I have to believe that I'm acceptable and loveable in spite of my weaknesses before they'll believe it too. Admitting that I have those weaknesses and asking them to understand me and love me in spite of them is half the battle. I had to explain to S20 last night that I'm trying not to be a fixer, but that I was feeling guilty for not fixing some banking business for him. I told him I'm sorry if he feels like I'm letting him down and not being the Mom he's always been able to depend on. Turns out, he thanked me for not transferring money into his checking account because he's trying to make a habit to keep up with his finances himself and not depend on me. The honestly is helping so much with us understanding each other. I think in the past I wouldve transferred the money and then made a comment about him not handling his responsibilities. I'd have resented fixing it and he'd have resented me pointing out that he failed. This way we're working together.. and a lot of times we laugh and joke about our struggles. It would be great if I could be self confident enough to not need other's to give me WOA and fill in the void. That's not reality right now though, and I'm working on it. It's helped to admit my weakness, and it feels good to know that others understand it and accept me for it anyway. And, they can lable my actions truthfully.. J can say.. "oh, this is Sheila needing approval" rather than feeling like he's failing me in some way because the truth is.. it's my weakness, not his. He is more willing to help when he understands that, and isnt expected to read my mind or feel like it's his failure when I'm feeling needy.
So hey, we all know you need WOA now Great job Mama.. thanks for sharing. What would your H say if you approached him with the truth? If you said "honey, I'm feeling out of sorts and anxious today. Could you give me a big hug and tell me I'm a good Mom and wife?"
Great stuff piglet. Reading that really helped me today, and I suspect Mama as well.
Mama, sorry I have not been around much. It's as much because of the redesign as anything else. I can't tell what threads have new posts and which ones don't anymore. They used to show up clearly, now...well, I haven't figured it out yet.
Anyway, keep thinking about what piglet said because I think it's the key to your next step in all this, as it is mine, even though we're both in different places, sitch-wise.
Hi GH, For the record I don't like this new format either.
For the last few days I have had this overwhelming feeling to just give up. Yesterday my H left at 5:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 5 pm (we past eachother on the road as I was going to work) TWELVE hours!!!! He always as an excuse; extra work, stayed to talk to people yada, yada, yada.
I'm tired. It's getting to be too much trouble. Is this M really worth saving? Maybe I'll tell him this is how I feel, I don't know. Any thoughts
Maybe it's reading everyone threads or just thinking about how everything went wrong but I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. It is so sad, we are all trying to desparetly hold on to our M, to save our families from the fallout of divorce. Why is it so hard?
When I see happy couples holding hands and kissing in public I am reminded of how H and I used to be, how did that all change?
How did I lose faith in M? I believed that we would live happily ever after, till death do us part. We were once best friends with no secrets between us. Now our R is built on lies and mistrust.
Oh, mama. I'm sorry, it must be in the air. It is overwhelming to read about all these flawed but lovely people here really wanting to love their spouses (:::raising hand:::), and getting a closed heart in return. Just a Bad Day (we could all do a group karaoke song in a bar!)
Think hard about what you're implying by being a WAW. I've been thinking a lot about what that would really mean emotionally and practically for me today. Will post more later tonight.
Hang in there my friend.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi All, Went to the bookstore to browse some books yesterday and realized that I needed to get out of this funk. Thru looking at all kinds of books I came to the following conclusion:
1. To love my H with all of my heart no matter what he was or wasn't doing in return. 2. To be the type of person (fun, happy, loving) that H would want to come home to and spend time with. 3. Banish negative thoughts from my mind and be grateful for all of the good things in my life.
Well something must of worked becasue when I came up to bed around 12:30 H reached out to me and we kissed passionately (like we haven't in a long time) and ML
