H and I separated 10 months ago, H came to stay when our son was born (11 weeks ago) and has been with me pretty much the whole time.
We have just started trying to put our M back together and generally things are going really well. H is sleeping in the spare room but has started to gradually move some of his things back in. (my main thread about my sitch is in - I need support for my marital problems "how can he abandon his baby?) Sorry, i don't know how to set up a link!!
My problem now is the whole trust issue. He said he wasn't having an affair and didn't leave me for someone else but he did start seeing someone else during our separation. I thought i would be able to handle that and push it out of my mind but i am finding it very difficult. Most of the time i am ok but then something reminds me that he has been with someone else. Also, and this is the big problem, he wont let his mobile phone out of sight, it is with him wherever he goes. He never used to do this in the past so it seems like he is trying to hide something. A couple of times i have walked into the room and he has been texting someone. He has looked really guilty and quickly puts the phone away. When i said to him (in a joking about way) why he looked so guilty he just said that i made him jump and he was just clearing all the junk from his phone.
Should i discuss this with him, if this is going to work i need constant reassurance. To be fair, he hasn't had many opportunities to see anyone but i still don't like the fact that he may still be in contact with ow.
Also, i am worried that when/if we start to have any sort of physical relationship again will i be able to stop thoughts of him and her together. We ML on new years eve (due to a mixture of alcohol for H and emotions for me) which i feel was a big mistake. Although i initiated it i kept thinking he may be comparing me to her. We have not done anything since then and i don't think i will be able to until i feel more secure about our future and i can push the ow out of the picture completely.
This is just as difficult now as it was when we were apart. If anything, i think it may be even more difficult because i could at least spend the evenings on here or talking to friends on the phone. But so far i've spent the evenings looking after baby son and watching tv while H sits at the computer. The house is full but i feel so lonely.
Before we separated i used to tell him that all i want was to feel wanted and loved. During the separation H told me he didn't love me and probably hadn't loved me for years. Obviously, i crave some love and affection from him but at the moment it feels as if i will never get to feel loved. In books which i have read it says give love and affection in order to receive it. The problem is, is that the right thing to do in this sitch. Iam worried that if i try any physical contact (holding hands etc.) he may push me away or think i am going too fast.
Any help and advice would be really appreciated. I have DB'ed like crazy and have got this far, i don't want to mess it up now!!!!!
