The darkness does not endure!

[cat03]

hey hon, sorry it's being rough for you lately, chin up gal)))) hope you get used to the new job.

I need for him to make the effort to communicate with me ... things like our finances, plans and goals, etc

If he has a failure to discuss plans, he prob thinks all is ok and that he is making the rigth decisions. Try and bring things up yourself without waiting for him to do it, make things happen. My H has this thing were after I tell him something he'll stay quiet, not because he's mad or ignoring me, but because he doesn't think he has to say anything to signal me he's heard me.
This lack of acknowloging me drove me bananas, we brought it up to the C and the C told me that that's the way my H was, I could get mad and fume but that it wasn't going to change, so it was up to me to choose how to take it. On top of that my H is ADHD so he forgets half the things you tell him, so it's a lost battle to be mad and expect him to remember things.

So what I'm saying is choose your battles, and if something bothers you bring it up instead of fuming and waiting for your H to say something. The thing about the insurance, I guess you couldn't have know, but if you had any qualms about the paperwork he prob had a chance to change whatever you disagree with. Work w/him, give him the benefit of the doubt.

About the SL and the lack of him initiating, I 'm sort of still there, though I know my H does come half dead from training. For the past months I took up upon myself to initiate most times. When I brought up this fact to him he thought it shouldn't matter who initiates, and not until I explained him how it made me feel (not wanted) did he see why it bothered me.

Hope you feel better hon!

[Phoenix_spark]

Hey BeingMe.

On the job issue, I would say find the next job and quit this one. I did well in sales but had to get out too. Comission was just too stressfull. If you transition to the next one, the issue of relying on H goes away.

We had an argument because he didn't discuss his changing his benefits at work, and adding a life insurance on me (he gave me the papers and I signed), but it irked me that he just went ahead and did it, without first discussing it with me. ... it's that he didn't talk to me about it first. Agh! He got all defensive, and upset, and shouting that he would never physically hurt me, yadda yadda.

Do you truely feel that he wouldn't hurt you? For me I know our benifits person drops stuff in our laps and needs a response immediately. He could of just seen this as a way to better protect/provide for his family/W. However, there's nothing in this day and age that should have stopped him from picking up the phone. I know in my sitch my W would be upset that I should even need to ask her, she came from more of a don't discuss it, just do it (father) household. Maybe take a less scrutinizing approach to his actions, and encourage discussion through using positive re-enforcement. Positive reactions encourage open discussions. But that doesn't mean you have to agree, just keep the atmoshpere positive and open.

So, I am done trying to get it into his thick skull what my needs are re the communication thing. I have no idea what I am going to do, ultimately, but this cannot continue like this. He's not doing a thing to earn my trust back, so I am backing off, and detaching again. Not sure what else I can do.

Are you still doing counseling? Perhaps this question/concern should be covered there. Positive delivery of question would be key. As far as the space, sleeping on the sofa issue, I would say this is a choice I made for tonight since I need time to sort out what has been said.

Perhaps you and you D need to go away this week end and have a break together.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for the comments Cat. I do appreciate them, and I get what you're saying. As for my job, I think I will quit. I have grown enough in the past couple of years to know when something isn't working for me. I will look for one more suited to my skills and experience, or do something from home.

During the post-bomb sitch, I used to be the only one to initiate ML, until he lied to me again, and then I told him, it was up to him now, and it happens very seldom now (and, unfortunately, I have gone from fairly HD, to ND - I have very little desire for ML now, since he has shown very little interest in it, and he won't talk about it, or see a doctor or seek C. Yet, when I had a problem with it several years ago, he urged me to see a doctor, which I did, and went into C too). He is not a very empathetic person, it seems.

I still initiate discussions about communication, but it doesn't get us anywhere. One has to be very careful when discussing our finances with him, because he gets very defensive, very quickly. Just by the tone that I may use, or a slight look on my face, may be misinterpreted as criticism. In most cases, I do let things slide, and not let it bother me. But, in this instance, where communication is an issue with me, I refuse to let it go. That has been the biggest problem in our M ... I accept him the way he is, and don't expect him to change, but he has no problem telling me (or OW) where my problems lie, and how I can accommodate him, and how I don't understand him. It's time for him to wake up, and realise that it's not just him in the M, but me too, and I am not just here to be a mom to the kids, and fufill his needs, while I feel mine are being completely ignored. But, that's the way it's always been in our M.

I don't allow things to cook inside me anymore (that went out the window when I discovered all those loving emails to his skanky OW, and all the complaints he had against me, most uncalled for, and many made to look worse than they were, for instance, my lack of admiration for all he does. My goodness, when I think of how I always praised his efforts fixing things up at home, his intelligence, what a great dad he is - he never said those things to me). I am perfectly happy with life, but I am also very happy to inform him when I am dissatisfied, and if he chooses to ignore what I am saying, then he chooses the possible consequences .... that is, my leaving the M. I have no problem being on my own. At least, I won't have any expectations from a spouse who is not even going to try. It's been 2 years of piecing our M, and I feel we haven't moved very far forward. It's getting to the point where I just don't care whether he hears me or not. I don't care whether he wants me to trust him or not. I don't care if he is still in contact with OW, or has another OW. 'Whatever', is slowly becoming my attitude. Unfortunately, that will lead to not caring whether he loves me or not, and maybe I don't love him anymore. Maybe he's left it all too late, and I will end up the WAW. I hope not, but that is always a possibility.

I am just venting here (and maybe, that's all I really need to do - just get it all out, and move on), but eventually all this will come out one way or another to him, when/if he doesn't do something to meet me in the middle. I am not a patient person by nature, but I have gone out of my way to be really patient and understanding with my H, despite many painful things he has put me through and things he has said to me, besides the more recent EA (I know, I am not completely innocent in our M, but there have been things that he has done, that many women would not have tolerated, and I just tried to work through it - maybe that has been the problem, I don't know). But, I can take so much, and no more. I think we all have that line. Mine is in sight now, whereas before, it was over the hill and still a ways to go.

I just want some sign that he wants to make the effort to work on our M, and not just take it all for granted. We are just back to the way things always are. He just expects me to trust him despite his history of lying. I must just trust that he will do the right thing, despite his lack of doing so in the past. Dr. Phil says that you can predict a person's future behaviour by their past actions, which means I can have no expectations that anything will change with my H. And, maybe it's time for me to move on. Or, maybe I'm just tired of the trying, and hoping that he will 'get it', and when I have rested, and gotten some space and perspective, I will be refreshed and have the energy to keep trying.

Maybe he's still in the MLC thing. I just don't know anymore. When he told me that he still loved me, and was more affectionate, I had such high hopes, but his actions since then seem to be speaking louder than his words (which are few, anyway).

Ah well!

Here is a link to one of Dr. Phil's show that rang so true for me, and could be part of the problem I have now with my H, so will try and work on that in the next month - http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/108

I particularly liked the following advice:
"If that doesn't come, don't you need to be willing to give that to yourself?" (refering to the guests lack of getting validation from her father - my parents were pretty much like that too, in many ways, and they both died when I was young, and before my M, so I was never able to resolve some of my issues with them, although I never thought of myself as an abused child or anything - BM) asks Dr. Phil, elaborating on how to do just that.

# Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else. Sometimes we have to be our own best friend.

# You've got to forgive your dad for being who he is. Remember that the only person you control is you.

# Plastic surgery is not the answer. Neither is making amends with her father. What Kami needs to do, says Dr. Phil, is find her "authentic self" — what uniquely defines you from the rest of the world.

# Never in the history of the world has there been another you. Never ever in the history of the world will there ever be another you. Your mission needs to be to find out exactly, precisely who that is. You can't be your own best friend if you don't know who you are.

If you have gotten this far in my rant, then thanks for listening. Possibly, my unhappiness in my job, my frustration with my assignment, and just having no-one to really talk to here (been in this city for 1.5 years, and not made any real friends yet, which is not usual for me, so feeling a little lonely for female companionship), is adding to my negativity. Getting these words onto the screen has already helped a lot. I think I need to tap into my creative side, and go add some more words to my book that I am writing. And, I am starting a painting course in a couple of weeks time, so that will help a lot.

[BeingMe]

Funny you should mention going away this weekend, Phoenix! I am driving to our previous city, 12 hours away, to fetch my son, who has decided to come home. I am so happy that he has made this choice, because we are hoping the next choice will be to go to college. I will be driving alone, and the roads are sometimes pretty dicey at this time of the year, so send a prayer up for me please. My S19 will probably drive most of the way back.

We are not in C - my H doesn't think we need it, and anyway, he lied to the last church C we had, so I am thinking it may be pointless as a couple. However, I may seek one for myself again, since I have a lot of family issues going back to childhood and my first M, that I still feel I need to resolve, despite my positive achievements I have made, on a personal level, since the whole sitch with my M happened 3 (almost 4) years ago. I think I'm at the point where I know enough to know I don't have all the answers, but am willing to go find them, whether it be inside myself or externally.

Anyway, good luck on your couch tonight. Ours is very comfortable, thank goodness, so I had a good sleep.

[Phoenix_spark]

I think I like this new format of web site. Congrats, good luck with son. The longer this goes on I'm seriously looking for counseling., we'll see what happens. To this point there has not been any couch sleeping, other than just falling asleep in front of the TV.

Hopefully your trip went well. Things are fairly calm here weather wise. Before too long we'll be getting to the warmer weather months. I love spring.

[BeingMe]

The trip went as well as can be expected, what with the time restraints, and distance. But, we made it in one piece. Had time to think, and try and clear my head a bit, so that's good. I think I will resign from my job. It just isn't doing anything for me, except pay a salary, and I am tired of working for just the money. I have started writing my book (don't care if no-one else reads it, and it never gets published), and I will continue with my studies.

So, that's it for now. Hope you are doing okay, Phoenix.

[Phoenix_spark]

There's been a few bad/confusing events. More evidence that the alien is still alive and well. Problem is that there are some financial decisions that I must make and it hard to make them with everything being so up in the air.

Had a discussion with a friend today, who has been down this road before. Both he and his W pretty much surmised what I kind of think what is up. Due to the up and down nature of W attitude, mixed with latest developments, I am starting to wonder if this whole trip is going to have a happy ending. Mix that with the fact that W is not the type to swallow much pride and admit a mistake, I fear the kids and I are in for a very rough road ahead.

The friend also said, he thinks things have gone far enough that he thinks I should call her folks and lay the problem out before them. I am very close to them (W parents) and they have confided quite a few things to me in the past. Perhaps in a way I guess I kind of feel that I owe that much to them.

At this point I somehow feel like a stunt jumper, you could stop it but you pretty much have to do it from here. I see positive things in the rest of my life, but this just doesn't seem to respond to anything I do. Perhaps the best way to explain my feeling right now is when your in a motorcycle crash. You relize you have lost all control, what you do has no real effect and you just have to sit back, observe and try to control how bad the impact is going to affect you. Wow, there's a visual for you. Sorry, just had to vent.

Glad your trip went well BeingMe, enjoy some more time with your son. Good luck on the book. Somehow I think there is a road trip somewhere in this for me also. I'd appreciate your prayers.

[BeingMe]

My prayers and positive thoughts are with you, Phoenix. I can identify with your metaphor about the bike crash - my brother was in quite a serious one, and he said that it all happened in slow motion, but you still couldn't do anything to stop it, but try and protect your vulnerable body parts. I guess it fits in with your (and everyone else's) sitch at one time or another, 'eh!

On a personal note .... my H has been offered yet another job, but this one allows us to live where we are, and he will travel to the different projects in Canada and the USA. It's quite a good salary, so I can quit my job without any guilt feelings. I will also be able to accompany him sometimes, since my S19 is here to take care of D14 if needed. So, that may help with our M. I see HF's hand in this (because he turned down a really great job, but it meant moving, so he turned it down - I prayed that since that one didn't work out, if HF would give us something else, and it seems as if we get something better too), so I hope it works out. He's excited about it, and the salary is an ego booster for him.

In the meantime, I am freaking out (low key freak though) about the possibility of some family members coming to visit in April (my sister, two nieces, one nephew, one grand-nephew, and H of one of the nieces). Our house is pretty big, but it still has quite a bit of renovating needed done, and I don't have enough beds, etc. Oh well, I will cross the bridge when I get to it.

Y'all take care!

[Phoenix_spark]

I like this news. Have a job H is excited about, live where you want, lots of family around. Sounds like positive problems, much better than the old days. After what you have been through, I think your up to the challenge.

[Phoenix_spark]

I think I need a DB intervention.