Where is OT when we need her? \:\) If you read my thread, you'll see that I'm in a "zone" of truth right now, so any advice I give take in that light. Obviously your sitch is diff, and what is working for me, might not work for you. I will say that I do think the advice our MC gave is good advice for anyone. What is the root of the problem, your feelings and the unhealthy atmosphere you're dealing with? Is it genuinely because his work schedule doesnt make sense, he doesnt share his paycheck and you feel that you can't talk to him about it without him becoming defensive? Is it because he's "there" but not there in a way that he's acting committed to working on the problems with you and moving the R forward to a better place?

From what we've been through I have to share that there's a huge difference in piecing with a H that is truly back in the R and a H that is just "there" because it's the right thing to do. I've lived with J as both men, and it was hard to move forward until he became invested in the R again. So, is the goal to confront this problem that is bothering you, or is the goal to earn a H that's invested enough to confront any and all problems to make the M better?

I'm saying this because I have a good track record of setting out to confront problems and fix things. For months I was angry and upset because J still worked with OW. I set out to confront and fix that problem so that I could trust him and feel safe again. Every time I mentioned it, he got defensive. He finally decided he needed to find another job.. I think mostly to shut me up. He did find another job, but it didnt solve the problem. It didnt heal my hurt or distrust and it didnt make him anymore committed to the R. He said "there, see, I did what you told me to, are you happy now" Then we separated because no, I still wasnt happy.. he wasnt invested in our R and I just picked out another problem to confront. Controlling, and pushy is how he saw me. I still saw a man that didnt love me or want to be with me even though we'd "fixed" the problem.

What is making you unhappy Mama? What's making you anxious, hurt and frustrated? Where's the resentment coming from? Can you confront that with the truth and figure out how you need things to change so that you're respecting and loving yourself and creating an atmosphere that doesnt promote those negative feelings? Thinking that helps me to set reasonable boundaries on how I'm treated. For instance, I told J that I don't want to be near him when he's irritable and passive agressive. He can get a handle on that or not, but either way, I'll protect and love myself. If he starts snipping at me I can remove myself from the situation. Here again though I have to confront the truth. The truth is, I need to learn to detach from J's actions and reactions and stop internalizing them. That's the root of the problem. I can try to control how he's acting, but it's much better if I control how I'm feeling about myself. You say you hate having these feelings because it builds up resentment. What are you resenting? What are you thinking specifically that's feeding the resentment?

Here is about what my mental dialogue used to be "J is still working with the sl*t. He doesnt care about me or how I feel about it. They are probably eating lunch together every day while I'm here kissing his butt trying to save our M"

The truth was... yes, he was still working with OW. The truth as to why wasnt because he wanted to work with her or cause me pain. He was working with her because we needed the income and he hadnt found another job. The truth was that he did care about me.. proof is that he came home to me every night. He cared how I felt about it, but probably couldnt deal with my feelings at the time because he was confused and guilt ridden himself. As far as them spending time together.. I have no idea. he says he wasnt, but that still wasnt the problem. The prob was that he wasnt spending time with me, or working HIS butt of on our M. That was the root of my anger and resentment. And, OW had nothing to do with it, but I told myself she did. I wasnt working on how to encourage him to spend more time with me and recommit to the M.. I was working on getting him away from OW and confronting him and trying to control that created more distance. Cheeseless tunnel for me. I shouldve been trying to DB better and show him I was changing so that he'd willingly decide that he wanted to spend time with me and make our M better because it was worth it.

Dont know if any of that helps or not. I feel for you Mama. You've come so far in terms of your patience and controlling your emotions. Give yourself a pat on the back for not just confronting him without seeking advice or thinking about what you need to do \:\)

Sheila