After 13 yrs of M and 2 chldren (D12, S10), it finally dawn on me that my W does not love me. Why? Becos there's no emotional bond btw us. At best, we are friends. There's no 3rd party involved. She's 200% mother to the kids and 10% spouse. Btw, I'm 49 and W 43. She has very low-sex drive and she has told me recently that sex is not important to her and she doesnt like it. If I'm lucky, we are intimate once a month and if not, it can last forever till I initiate it. The longest was 2.5 yrs without sex! Our S was diagnosed with Leukemia and the crisis affected the already weak foundation of our M. As a result, it deteoriated and we became uncomfortable with each other. I'm always the one initiating it and most of the time, she will push me away. I have been hurt and rejected so many times that I'm starting to have a low-esteem of myself. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me??? As a home-maker, she's always complaining that she's tired and all she wants is to sleep. She spends the day ferrying the kids to school, cooking, tutoring the kids and by the time I'm back from work, she's flat out. She has made it clear that intimacy is only on Saturdays and if that happens, it's usually after midnight when the kids are asleep. At that time, ML is usually quick as she just want to get over it and sleep. I just sense that ML to her is a chore and a duty, that's all. On a normal day, there are no hugs and kisses. I'm so tempted to stray and in fact, I'm looking for opportunities but becos of our faith (we're devout Catholics), I have refrained from adulteries. I feel angry that she has made me into a sexually deprived person and I have great difficulty in coping with the suppressed sexual tensions. I have tried talking to her but no use. She says she loves me but "in her own way". How can this be when she doesnt display any signs of affection towards me??? When we do get to talk, it's always about the kids and never US. She doesnt even care about what I do at all. The guys in the office envy me cos she never calls me. I have total freedom in whatever I do. Why? Her reason being: "You are an adult and you should know how to take care of yourself" and "I trust you completely so I do not need to check on you". The truth is that I hunger for her attention and I want her to show some concern for me. Most of the nights when they are asleep, I'm left to my own devices - watching TV, going to movies, playing xbox, surfing. The lonliness is sickening.
I seriously thought of separation and D but I feel that the mistakes of 2 adults should never affect the kids. They are innocent and they should not be dragged into the mess.
I just want to save the marriage and make her understand her actions but she seems to build a wall around her. Though she denied this during the 2nd year of our M, I still suspect that she has lesbian tendencies or was/still is a closet lesbian. At that time, I found love-letters from her friend and when I confronted her, she denied it. I let it rest but somehow what she's doing to me all these years makes me wonder if her denials before were lies. I feel cheated of my M to her, my manhood, my life......
She also has the usual woman problems like PMS etc....that it's really sickening to hear the same old complains every month for the past 13 yrs. 1 week b4 her period, she will have severe body aches & migraine so sex is out. 1 week of period - no Sex. The week after period - bad migraine = No Sex. I have brought her her gynae, full medical checks, Brain scan etc...all negative results ie she's a healthy normal woman.
There're lots of things to write about but I'm confused right now and I apologize if what I wrote does not make any sense at all.
