After 13 yrs of M and 2 chldren (D12, S10), it finally dawn on me that my W does not love me. Why? Becos there's no emotional bond btw us. At best, we are friends. There's no 3rd party involved. She's 200% mother to the kids and 10% spouse. Btw, I'm 49 and W 43. She has very low-sex drive and she has told me recently that sex is not important to her and she doesnt like it. If I'm lucky, we are intimate once a month and if not, it can last forever till I initiate it. The longest was 2.5 yrs without sex! Our S was diagnosed with Leukemia and the crisis affected the already weak foundation of our M. As a result, it deteoriated and we became uncomfortable with each other. I'm always the one initiating it and most of the time, she will push me away. I have been hurt and rejected so many times that I'm starting to have a low-esteem of myself. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me??? As a home-maker, she's always complaining that she's tired and all she wants is to sleep. She spends the day ferrying the kids to school, cooking, tutoring the kids and by the time I'm back from work, she's flat out. She has made it clear that intimacy is only on Saturdays and if that happens, it's usually after midnight when the kids are asleep. At that time, ML is usually quick as she just want to get over it and sleep. I just sense that ML to her is a chore and a duty, that's all. On a normal day, there are no hugs and kisses. I'm so tempted to stray and in fact, I'm looking for opportunities but becos of our faith (we're devout Catholics), I have refrained from adulteries. I feel angry that she has made me into a sexually deprived person and I have great difficulty in coping with the suppressed sexual tensions. I have tried talking to her but no use. She says she loves me but "in her own way". How can this be when she doesnt display any signs of affection towards me??? When we do get to talk, it's always about the kids and never US. She doesnt even care about what I do at all. The guys in the office envy me cos she never calls me. I have total freedom in whatever I do. Why? Her reason being: "You are an adult and you should know how to take care of yourself" and "I trust you completely so I do not need to check on you". The truth is that I hunger for her attention and I want her to show some concern for me. Most of the nights when they are asleep, I'm left to my own devices - watching TV, going to movies, playing xbox, surfing. The lonliness is sickening.
I seriously thought of separation and D but I feel that the mistakes of 2 adults should never affect the kids. They are innocent and they should not be dragged into the mess.
I just want to save the marriage and make her understand her actions but she seems to build a wall around her. Though she denied this during the 2nd year of our M, I still suspect that she has lesbian tendencies or was/still is a closet lesbian. At that time, I found love-letters from her friend and when I confronted her, she denied it. I let it rest but somehow what she's doing to me all these years makes me wonder if her denials before were lies. I feel cheated of my M to her, my manhood, my life......
She also has the usual woman problems like PMS etc....that it's really sickening to hear the same old complains every month for the past 13 yrs. 1 week b4 her period, she will have severe body aches & migraine so sex is out. 1 week of period - no Sex. The week after period - bad migraine = No Sex. I have brought her her gynae, full medical checks, Brain scan etc...all negative results ie she's a healthy normal woman.
There're lots of things to write about but I'm confused right now and I apologize if what I wrote does not make any sense at all.
There are plenty of people here who can empathize with your sitch, so please don't feel bad. You are seeking help, and that is good.
I'll keep this short because I have to scoot. Change can and will occur, it just comes slowly. So tie a nice secure knot at the end of your rope, and dig in for the long haul.
Pick up the book, 'The Superior Man,' by David Deida, and read it cover to cover.
Your wife, to me, sounds like she is emotionally and physcially exhausted. I'd check into the possibility of anti-depressants. This isn't going to help her sex drive, certainly, but her mood must change before anything else can.
You may also want to look at Peace Between the Sheets. I'm not advocating a non-orgasm sex life, but it has wonderful suggestions on how to reconnect physcially (without necessarily putting pressure on her for sex). Your emotional bond is shot, and it will take some time to rebuild it.
I'd also suggest some individual counseling for both of you. If she won't go, I'd go for you. You are at the end of your rope as well, and you must find hope and positive feelings somewhere in order to maintain your patience. It's a great way to go.
LW, I could have written this about 3 years ago. I was one foot out the door and as a last ditch dragged MrsGGB to a marriage encounter weekend (and she darn near backed out before we arrived there). What that did was open the lines of communication enough to get her to get a glimpse of how much I was hurting and how lonely I was feeling. The result was a turning point in our relationship. We've recently run back into some problems, but this time it seems to be more related to depression that she won't acknowlege. Anyway, I highly recommend WWME, especially for someone with a strong Catholic upbringing.
We've got six kids, married 20yrs next month. The only reason we have six kids is that the only time she would even let me near her turns out to be the day in her cycle when she is fertile. Made it seem like all I had to do was look at her to get her pregnant, but the reality of the situation was the times she let me near her were the times she was mostly likely to conceive. The fact we only have 6 kids despite never using any birth control until our recent adoption of NFP speaks to the infrequency of LM here before our breakthrough. It still is at best once every 10 days on average, but that is far better than the once every few months it had been.
Hairpuppy, Yup, that's MrsGGB. Says she doesn't like that feeling, and that she gets panicky. Sadly, because she doesn't like/won't allow herself the big 'O', I have to wonder whether she will ever get beyond sex as being something she does to keep me happy. Kinda takes the spring outta my step, IYKWIM.
GGB, I have been pushing her to attend Marriage Encounter (ME) sessions but W's reason for shelving it was becos the kids are still young and there's no one to care for them during the weekends. In our parish, ME is a 3-day workshop stretching from Fri till Sunday afternoon. Moreover, we know the ME volunteers/counsellors pretty well and she's just not comfortable to be in those sharing sessions.
Btw, we are Asians and our culture/values are somewhat different from most of the contributors here....
Back in 2001, I convinced her to go for MC but it turned out to be a disaster. The MC had actually given up on our case and felt that the only way out was D. It seems that both of us have totally differnt personality traits. I decided to kick the MC outta our lives........
LW, Yes, ME is a 3 day thing beginning Friday night and ending Sunday afternoon. You are at an advantage having it at your parish, as it makes it easier to attend as well as to find someone to watch your kids. We had to go about 80 miles away to a different state to attend. At the time, we had 5 kids with a 6th on the way, and like you we have no family nearby. We have a neighbor/friend who had gone to ME previously, and when I told her that we'd go but had no one to watch the kids she took all 5 (doubling the population in her house, bless her soul) for the weekend. Where it is being presented in your own parish, there is likely someone who you know that will gladly watch your kids to give you an opportunity to improve your marriage.
As far as your concerns about knowing the presenters, no need to worry; the sharing you do is strictly between you and your wife in the privacy of your own room. You don't share anything with the presenters at all. The format is you listen to a presentation followed by an example interaction between a presenting couple. Then you are given several minutes to write a letter to each other on a specific topic, and when you are done you are sent to your room to "Dialog", which is basically to say to read each other's letters and then discuss the letter and more specifically the feelings behind it. After a few minutes, you are called back for the next presentation. The whole focus of the weekend is on each other. The presenters are there just to facilitate the whole thing and give you the direction to get started and to demonstrate the techniques. there are no sharing sessions with the facilitators, nor with any other couples
Please give it a chance. What have you got to lose? Besides, if it does nothing for you, you don't have to stay for the whole thing (but please, do give it a chance).
GGB,it's not that I do not want to go but she's been making excuses abt who's going to look after the kids etc.....putting it off saying "let's wait till the kids are older".
You are right. I guess I have to be more assertive on this to save the marriage. To be honest, I feel like giving up and letting our lives remain as is. It seems to be a 1-way thing as she's not making any effort at all. Anyway, I'm hanging on till I have exhausted all avenues. And yes, I still love her dearly.....but I'm this close to breaking down. She just does not know how much she's hurting me....
