Our first MC appt was last Friday and we have another tomm. The first session was very good and I think it's brought us closer already \:\) Thought I'd come and journal the C's suggestions/ideas and what's working/not working before tomm.

Call me dense, but the C solved a mystery for me. Sometimes I read things on the board or get good advice but am not sure exactly how to make it "work". One thing I've heard over and over through this from the BB, friends and my IC is to "love myself first", "we have to love ourselves before we can love someone else". I agree and it sounds easy..just look in the mirror and say "Sheila, I love you, you're OK just the way you are" I can do that.. but it's never seemed to get me far. My attitude is better and I"m more forgiving of myself, but it hasnt exactly led me to a place where I feel completely loved enough that I don't seek approval from others and for J to provide that "feeling" loved emotion in my life. I've turned to God and I know without a doubt that he loves me, but still, there's an empty spot where I crave love, affection, approval so that I can say "I must be a good person.. look how J loves me"

Now I believe I've heard the answer to how I can love myself enough that I'm not constantly seeking that from others, being needy, feeling blue if it's absent. The C was talking J about his depression and OCD. He said that the depression is what worries him the most. We can take meds, but if we don't also take the proper action to overcome the illness, it will remain a problem. He said it's like fighting your way out of a paper bag and you do have to fight it every step of the way to recover. Still, there's no guarantee it won't come back 5 years from now.

He said:

1) In order to solve a problem you have to get to the root of it. For J that means his depression and anxiety. What caused it. For me, my anger, fear and cartaking/seeking approval. He said it does no good to rehash the mistakes of the past because they can't be changed. But, it does help to try to figure out where the feelings are coming from and confront the issue.

2) He said that most people who come to him for depression and anxiety are haunted by secrets or lies. Either they are hiding something bad, trying to be someone they aren't, or not communicating with their families truthfully. He also sees people who are holding on to the past and living there. They were taught something (such as they are bad), and are believing it and their self esteem suffers. He said it's important that we confront the truth, express it and believe it. The present truth not a truth from the past or what we want to believe/hear. He told J that it's important that he share his feelings with me truthfully and not be afraid of conflict. That problems can't be solved unless we are honest about where they came from. He asked J why he doesnt take more responsiblity and he said because it seems easier. He asked me why I think J doesnt, and I said because his mother does everything for his father and family. Also, they live by "appearances" and I think J was not allowed to try things and fail without being made to feel stupid. J agreed. So here he is a grown man, afraid to try because he doesnt want to fail or be criticized and it's easier to let me fix things or have my way instead of expressing himself. The C says that needs to be confronted with the truth that J is a grown man, it's OK to try and fail, that I'm not his mother, that my opinion is important but he doesnt have to do things my way or allow me to control him. He said what he was fed as a child is not the truth and he should fight those thoughts and embrace what is true for J as a grown man.

3) The C said the key to loving ourselves is to go about creating a healthy environment to live in... to carve out our place where we feel safe, happy and nurtured. Feed our bodies healthy food. Take vitamins and exercise. Get plenty of rest. Find a hobby we enjoy. Figure out what causes stress and an unhealthy environment and exorcise that out of our life once and for all. He said we should never ignore our feelings, fears, anger, anxiety.. that we are trying to tell ourself that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. He gave the example of our kids and asked what we would do if one came to us crying because he had cut his knee. We said we'd put medicine and a bandaid on it.. dry his tears and comfort him. Then he asked why then would we not do the same for ourself and our spouse? That the anxiety, fear, anger, withdrawal are signs that we need medicine and comfort for the problem. He said we should be able to talk about our feelings and exorcise the problems out of our life without blame. That there's a solution to most problems and if we truly want the best for each other, we'll go about creating a healthy atmospere for sharing and nurturing our relationship. This really hit me and is what solved the "how do I love myself" mystery. I havent created a healthy atmosphere for myself or J. I havent confronted the things that aren't healthy in a way that's kind and solution focused. And, I've held on to things from that past as true, when they just arent anymore.

The C went on to suggest that J move out and take the wheel. We talked a lot about the kids stressing J out and how to work on that. We talked about figuring out what kind of people we are and having our actions reflect that consistently. He said if the truth is that J is a responsible man that loves his family and wants to lead us, his actions have to reflect that. For me, if I'm a forgiving, loving wife that wants to support J and not mother him, my actions must reflect that also.

So, we're trying to apply his advice and I think it's helping. I've given a lot of thought to my anger about the past and have been using my quiet time to confront it. And yeah, I'm finding that most of it is created by me holding onto things that aren't true in the present. I've been very angry about J saying ILYBINILWY and leaving. That just isnt true anymore and I've let it poison me with anger, resentment and unforgiveness. He does love me and he's not going anywhere. He's done enough to prove that to me and I have to let it go.. exorcise it out of my life \:\) The other one is my feelings of rejection. Because we arent ML regularly I start feeling unloved, undesired and rejected. I think these feelings come from the past when he didnt desire me and did reject me on a regular basis. The thing is.. we're not ML a lot right now because he's having back problems. So there again, I'm interpreting his actions incorrectly and it's making me unhappy. I've built a wall and havent let J be close to me because of it. After I worked through that earlier in the week and my attitude changed, things changed between us. I didnt mention it to J, but he mustve sensed it because we've ML and snuggled almost every night.

It's working out for J too. His OCD reared it's head the other night and he checked the alarm clock six times in a row. It doesnt bother me, but he mentioned it. He said it's because he hasnt been wanting to get out of bed in the morning and is afraid he'll oversleep. So, we talked about it, and tracing the problem back to the source - he isnt getting enough rest and needs to go to bed earlier when he's tired. We've done that and I think it's helping. I didnt notice him checking the clock, but I'm not sure if it's because the anxiety is gone, or because he's just willed himself not to do it.

Long post I know but it helps me to type it out \:\) The C advice is helping me so much.. to love myself mostly. To express myself truthfully without anger or blame. To set boundaries and speak up honestly when I'm uncomfortable with something. It feels a lot different when the goal is to change something that feels wrong. Less like b*tching maybe? J was irritable in Lowe's last weekend and I was walking on eggshells. Me and D12 went to another store and J brought the boys home. Then he called and said "I didnt know you two were going to be shopping all day!" It was only an hour and I started feeling anxious and hurried up out of the store to get home because I knew he was in a p*ssy mood. On the way home though I thought about the truth and realized that he's not my Daddy. I have every right to shop for an hour and not worry about rushing home if we had no plans, or emergencies. I also have a right to shop without him rushing me, rolling his eyes or creating an atmosphere that is tense. I talked to him about it later that night and told him how I felt and that I felt like I wouldnt want to go shopping with him in the future if he was going to be irritable, and that he has no right to rush me. He shared that he was stressed because the boys were being rowdy and I was concentrating on shopping and didnt seem to care or notice that they were misbehaving. In the end, we agreed that we need to work with the boys on their behavior and take time out to deal with them. I offered up that I'll try to let J know how long I'll be out in the future, and that yes, I do get looking and lose track of time. The real reason he was p*ssy was because our sitter called and asked him to go to her house and see if her husband was there. He wasnt at work and she was afraid he slept through his alarm. J didnt want to drag the boys out in the cold to run that errand, so he was irritated that I wasnt on my way home so he made a snotty comment to me.

We worked through that without an argument! Unbelievable. In the past I wouldve been p*ssed and defensive, he'd have been p*sed and defensive.. I'd have tried to make him feel like an a**hole for being rude and he'd have accused me of not paying attention to the kids and being selfish.. equals me feeling like a bad mom. Now I just feel like we need to talk to the boys and teach them that they can't get into things while we're shopping and we need to talk about our expectations on how long we'll be out, etc. J likes to know what to expect... I accept that about him and am willing to work with it as long as I'm not expected to have a curfew or let him control my time.

What's working for me right now... being loving and confronting my anger with the truth. Sharing my feelings with J honestly without blame. Allowing him to take responsiblity for some things and do them his way (he's helping with the budget!). Putting up a stop sign whenever I start trying to fix things for someone (S20 mostly this week), and not feeling guilty when they have a negative consequence that I saw coming but didnt try to prevent. Doing small things or acts of service is a biggie for J. I've been pouring him a glass of orange juice in the mornings and he reacts positively. I can see the difference between this and mothering him... it's a subtle diff I don't always understand. Big diff between packing his lunch like a little boy and this. He sees one as mothering and control.. the other as a loving favor. OTOH.. he reacts positively when I just tell him that there's a bowl of leftovers he can take for lunch if he wants.

What's not working... pushing J to read our Dave Ramsey book and bringing up the subject of what we need to "do". Impatience with the process. It's not working ask J leading questions. I do this too much. I'll ask him a question that I think I know the answer to and after he gives his answer, I share what I was thinking. This irritates the snot out of him and he called me on it. I just need to come out and tell him what I'm thinking and then ask him what he thinks.