Your wife is so determined to be in complete control of this situation that she really needs serious counseling. I know you know that...but to be honest, I have really never seen such a person need such an enormous amount of control. She knows it allright...and sometimes she might wish she weren't like she is, but she just can't help herself. Your being miserable, and to some extent her being the same way, isn't going to fix this. Something has to break this, but who knows what. I don't think words will do any good...but I do wish you well. She is the type who will probably have to see you completely withdrawing...and even then who knows. Never threaten to leave unless you are completely willing to do it...she will call your bluff every time.
A friend has been married for 30+ years and lived with this for at least 20 of them. He threatened to say, had affairs, but to be honest WANTED to leave but was just too afraid. He is still married...that was his choice in life. Some stay, some don't...you are the only one who knows how long you can deal with this. IMO, she needs super-serious counseling. Then again, perhaps she just isn't the type who needs to be married. I would ask her what she thinks you should do about rarely having sex again...for the rest of your lives.
