Lil: I don't actually plan on bringing this up on Valentine's Day nor do I plan to bake her a cake. That was just Hairdog trying to get the class to start snickering, because, that's what I do when I have to stand in front and talk about myself.
My C thinks that, in my cycle of bringing up the sex issue, getting punished for it, being silent, getting frustrated, bring up the sex issue, etc., I have been holding at the "pre-bring it up" stage for so long, that, in his words, I'm about ready to explode. That's why he suggested that I set a deadline. My "message" will be lost or at least partially obscured if I do it in the midst of a ranting rage.
I really appreciate your analysis of my "message." I still think the "what are we going to do about the lack of sex", although a question, is workable. Maybe it's just the prelude, a way of getting a running start into the rest of it. And, the "rest of it" is where the "fuzzy thinking" comes in. You really don't think it's a legitimate goal that she "gets" the message? That she agrees it's a legitimate issue? Are you saying that because of who she is (at least, who she is according to my descriptions of her), or because it's just not generally a legitimate goal to have your spouse "get" something that is important to you.
If it's the former, that expecting Ms.Hdog to ever "get it" is folly, then I understand your statement. It may be folly. But I can't use that expected reaction as a way of avoiding confronting her with this.
I also recognize that words such as "make or break" are, if not explicitly so, imply the threat of leaving. And yes, that would also serve to obscure the message.
And don't assume that I don't like the two "ways". It's not that I do like them, it's that I see that the focus on a schedule is perhaps the only way forward.
My message (bear with me, this is nothing if not a work in progress) is, "we've tried your way to a happier marriage. For the marriage, I have agreed to do many things. Some, I just do because I know it needs to be done. Some, I have really embraced and really thank you for steering me in a direction I otherwise wouldn't have headed. But I feel no closer to you than I did three years ago when we started counseling and C told us that you get your needs met first, before mine get addressed. Now, it's time to try my way. My way consists of committing to a schedule of ML one time a week. Right now, right here, let's agree on a regular day and time."
The language in italics is, now that I read it, optional. I think it sounds defensive. I left it in to remind me that my first inclination is to provide lots of justification when I talk to her.
So, the message, broken down is: We've tried it your way. Now we try it my way. Once a week, commitment.
Everything that happens after I convey that message is just what normally happens after you touch a match to a powder keg. I guess it depends on how much powder is there, as to whether I end up with a little "pop" or a big bang (apologies to chrom).
BTW, thanks Martelo for the book rec. And thanks, mojo, for suggesting the self-esteem exercise.
