One further "bad" anecdote to illustrate whatever this issue is that I'm currently having with my H and then a "good" anecdote about what happened yesterday.
BAD ANECDOTE:
I was reading a very interesting book on a theory that directly applies to my own business. I was babbling about it to my H a bit and then I said "I'm going to go to the author's website and ask him a question about topic x which interests me.". My H's response, which came totally out of the blue, to this was a very surly "Why don't you get him to f*ck you too.". I was too stunned to reply to this for a moment. Then I just decided to treat his comment as if it was a rational question, so I opened the book and took a look at the jacket picture of the author, considered for a moment and then said "I think he's out of my league." and left it at that.
GOOD ANECDOTE:
I didn't really stay in my "I need to get out of this relationship" mood for very long yesterday. I find that actually starting to plan my "escape" is a very calming activity for me. Once I have it all worked out then I no longer have the urge to do it. (I'm sure HP can probably relate to this very Type 7 tendency.). So by the time my H came home I was in a pretty good mood. We had an appointment with the mortgage broker. On the way there my detail-oriented H double-checked with me that I had all the paperwork. Then he said good-humouredly "We have a couple questions to ask him right? You can handle that and I'll just sit there and look pretty.". It dawned on me then that the reason why it p*sses me off when he refuses to act like "the man" is that then I am forced to be "the man". It is the opposite of being validated for my femininity and being validated for my femininity is pretty much the best way of generalizing all those things other than "just sex" that I want from a man with whom I am in a relationship. (This also reminds me of how bummed out I got when the flirtatious old guy next door to me once said to me when I was mowing the lawn "Why don't you get your husband to do that for you?". I made some sort of joking reply but really I was sadly thinking "Because I can't get him to do anything for me because he doesn't want to f*ck me because I am unlovable or because he doesn't love me because I am unf*ckable.".)
Okay, here's the good part. We are in the mortgage broker's office and I'm just sitting there mostly bored with his salesman spiel. Suddenly, there is a shift in my H's demeanor and he starts asking the guy all sorts of questions. He even subtly put the guy in his place by making a joke about his office. I'm probably not doing a good job of explaining but maybe the women on the BB will understand what I mean when I say that it was "sooo cute".
Another thing that happened is that we were having a relaxed conversation about various scenarios regarding the mortgage and I brought up the possibility that we might want to sell the house when our daughter graduates in a couple years. My H's response was a worried "Why would we want to do that?". He clearly equates my level of willingness to sell the house with my level of willingness to kick his azz to the curb (Really he's not wrong to think this way. The house sort of symbolizes to me the bond that he almost destroyed during the fight when he told me that "We don't have a happy family life.") Anyway, this is a radical departure from his constant complaints about the house over the years.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
