Actually I shortened a lot of things....our congregation is very loving and will work closely with H...but at the same time to protect the "flock" if someone CONTINUES in a sinful course they are removed from associating...they can attend but they are not associated with....if is in line with the Bible teachings so he and I both understand.... but of course before such drastic measures would be taken the brothers will work closely with him and try and keep him in good graces so to speak....as will I and the kids even though this battle is really his own....
It is just so hard on me emotionally because I need to "feel" his love....the only time he can express it is when he is so totally drunk....and that is what we are trying to avoid....it just does a real head trip on me when he starts telling everyone in sight how much he loves me....how wonderful I am....how I am the most important person in his life....but then let him sober up and I feel shunned....and he can't understand it....he thinks it is enough that he is here....and maybe it is....but I am feeling emotionally starved....very confusing...
Which brings me to your most recent post on your side...I would like to email you as I don't want to say openly what I want to share with you on that....then if you feel that you want to share what I have to say you may C&P it...
Hi ImLIN, I finally got the author of the book "the Dance of Anger" - Harriet Goldhor Lerner. It is a book about how to deal with your anger in relationships. I read it but find it hard to actually apply what I read. I seem to not be able to control my anger. My sister told me to practice on her and it was very hard.
I hope everything is fine with you. Drop me a post when you can. Take care.
Been lurking a bit. Wanted to say I'll check that book out since I've heard of it. Also found Marianne Williamson's books on anger and forgiveness helpful and had things I could apply myself internally and behaviorally. She wrote a few books, with couple names such as "Return to Love" and a couple books with the word Anger or forgiveness in them. Also read the "Gift of Change"--optimistic outlook on new life. Got the books on CD and just listened daily to them and did some of the exercises every day for months. I also found some peace within. Thank God, literally. Now in "piecing together" section, am reading the 5 Love Languages and wish I'd read them before. Oh well. Better late than never. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As a 12 stepper,I am moved and saddened to read your words. I THINK some random journalling may give you a little info or insight but if it's a waste or inapplicable to your sitch, I do apologize. Your H is not well in so many ways. How would you feel if he ran over a child, or a pregnant woman or a man who is providing for a family? Really think about that. Losing your house maybe, and what your kids would feel. You are modelling so many things now, and they must see someone who is healthy in life, and happy and making consciously good choices. Like your H, My dad was an alcoholic and a diabetic, which sucked as a combination. When he got liver cancer, he was not eligible for a transplant due to the diabetes, which got worse b/c of alchohol, a lot worse. And liver cancer mainly strikes drinkers in our country. He died b/c of his drinking. But that doesn't sum him up and neither does this medical problem say it all about your H.
But it is controlling everyone's lives, and he is making a choice. And so are you.
FWIW, I can tell you that once 90 days are reached, a lot of immediate physical fog is lifted, so thinking is clearer, but emotions may not be. I noticed that in my group, the men were far behind most of the women in identifying issues or confronting them b/c they never had. So if he has never addressed psych issues from childhood, they'll flood in now. And you will be targeted for much of the present day problems. Recovering drinkers don't have the best (or worst) record for making their marriages work. I remember many of them divorcing AFTER getting sober, and it seemed weird to me. But common. My personal problem arose after surgery and with pain pills. So I didn't have a life time of an addiction to deal with and I knew life could be fine without being buzzed. That was huge, huge huge. MANY addicts/alcoholics cannot imagine a sober life being fun or without lots of pain. I do suggest renting comedies and getting as much laughter in your life as possible. The more he laught without a buzz, the better. Same with intimacy activities. The more intimacy without booze, the better. Laughing and ml and playing with the kids are all "proof" that life without booze does not have to suck. And life WITH booze, for your H, DOES SUCK, and worse.
Sobriety changes those who achieve it, and usually does accompany a spiritual awakening which is hopefully accompanied by a renewal of existing commitments and a concomittant spiritual awakening in you and your family. Sounds like you have that covered.
My H didn't leave me when I went to rehab but when I look back at it, I see that I did it on my own, with God's help and the help of strangers I was lucky enought to have as my help. My H didn't know what to do about it and was terrified it'd hurt his career if it got out, which was not paranoid, but a bit selfish. I also was shame filled so I probably shut him out of the wrost parts. No dramatic crying jags in the ER for me, thank God. Did I feel that H was not really there for me then? In some ways, and Yes, I forgive him. And I asked for his forgiveness and eventually he gave it to me. I now have 10 years and it was my H who had the MLC. Guess we're even now...????
I'm rambling. Sorry to hijack and good luck. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We do watch a lot of comedy and actually my H is very much a comedian....so are the kids....so laughter is usually present...
H was touch and go early in our relationship with alcohol....we were young and it was more of the party time thing then....after we got down to having a family he got serious about his relationship with God and being a dad....he never had a real dad as his dad was an alcoholic, woman abuser, and pedophile....but H was wonderful as a husband and father....for years there was rarely any problem with it until about 7-8 years ago when his mini-MLC came up...then it died down and things were okay...now when the HUGE-MLC exploded that is when the drinking really got out of control...he admits before when he made the decision not to drink it wasn't hard....but this time it was...and he was having blackouts when he did drink which scared him....
The good news is the doctors have said his drinking doesn't show in his health...in all of his blood tests and physicals they would not be able to peg him as an alcoholic as they usually can with the cronic drinkers....not to say it isn't still serious...
I am wondering now if he subconsciously sabbotaged himself...his relapse was 3 days before his 90 days of sobriety... I wonder if he is really really afraid of how to deal with all of this....
His sister is ready to help when he wants to talk....she endured what he did....but doesn't remember all that he does....she is a recovered drug addict of 12-14 years now....she faced her demons at a younger age and she was very successful....her counselors told her that only 3% of those in her situation beat it....she was determined....she never relapsed....but then as her and I stated....drugs are not in the grocery store, the gas stations, the corner market, the restaurant.....alcohol is socially acceptable....
I am learning to not ask him to talk when I see him depressed....I just give him some room but let him know I love him and am there if he needs me....his friends are rallied around too....our elders were very kind with him when they talked to him about his relapse and told him that they would be there day or night if he needed to talk....they want him to feel loved....because he is...of course after that discussion with them he went into a deep depression for about 2 days....and your right, I was the target of his anger...and this time I just let it go...didn't ask why he was mad....what I had done...just waited it out....
He has a battle ahead of him....but he also has a very loving and understanding family with a huge family of close friends....my son is the only one who really doesn't understand all of what is going on....the girls totally do so that is a help for them...
H also decided to go of anti-depression meds unknown to me until the relapse...he feels it was a rebound from that....but he said he wants to feel the feelings that he has suppressed for so many years....and he couldn't do that with the meds...not to mention he was really working on getting his health in order and having been somewhat impotent for a while the meds killed all desire and feelings....so he wanted it gone so he could experience desires WITH me....and not just go through the motions...I actually did notice a difference, looking back, when he stopped taking the meds....but I will discuss this with his doctor because I think before it is all over he might need them again when going deep in his therapy.....
Ok...so now you have more of my picture...and again I thank you for sharing yours....
before I forget, most successful recovering addicts/alcoholics relapse twice, or so I read. It's usually a step IN the recovery, if that makes sense. And your sister's comments about drugs not being as available as alcohol is true to most middle class whites. No one toasts with Vicodin nor do I have to turn down offers at parties....so it would be harder to quit drinking, at least socially. I do get that. My dad was French and his avocation was being a chef, so wine was very hard to overlook. But a friend of mine in rehab told me, (and he was African American) when he'd go outside to get his newspaper, a dealer would be there pushing crack onto him....so we are lucky in that sense.
Gotta go back to your post. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hope you are OK. Would you please have a look at my thread when you have time? You seem to have dealt with financial stuff. Can you give me any advice.?
