Me2: You could be beating a dead horse.... he may truley have put it behind him.. it may truley have just been one of those.. shoot it happened.. she was available.. I was lonely things.. with no other reason behind it and he may truley be glad its over because while he enjoyed it physically he did feel guilty and want to come back to you and he did come back to you! Now yes, he could have and should have exercised self control and thought about consequences.. but he didn't and maybe that is part of her personality that you need to learn to accept.. that he doesn't think things through! But I can say that you need to let go eventually so that you can heal your marriage... if he feels constantly nagged and/or castigated by you.. he will eventually get frustrated and start to wonder if saving the marriage is worth all the grief and aggravation you are putting him through... so be honest with him.. but if your qestions are consistently met with the same answers.. top asking them... he'll give you answers when he is ready... but maybe he needs some time.. haven't you ever done something you regretted? You probably just want to put it behind you as well and stop examining the why and hows? Focus on building trust again andsome good memories.. healing will come in time! Good luck
That's pretty funny-what you said above is pretty much what I just said in response to Gator, about the making mistakes issue.
God yes, have I made mistakes, and He has forgiven me all of them. And one thing that has been helping me recently is that I have tried to put myself in my H's place, having screwed up so badly, what would I want from him? How would I want him to treat me?
I think I'm ready to read 'After the Affair' now, I tried a few weeks ago but got angry as I flipped through it.
As far as the dead horse thing, I see your point, thank you, and I do not harp on him like I've said we get along great-and our friendship has been getting stronger and stronger through this.
But I do think there are reasons he is just not ready to tell me. I have not asked the 'why' question in a long time (he did see me upset a few weekends ago-he just held me and let me cry-when he asked what was wrong, I said I was still confused and just wanted to understand it all-but did not directly ask the WHYs or HOW COULD YOUs, but I know what I said is basically the same thing).
I am not pushing him. I have asked why enough. I do not initiate OR talks, neither does he, so we just don't have them.
I also know that I will always be missing this, inside of me, it's something I need to know. I can't even explain it. I refuse to believe that 'it just happened' and she was 'just available'-because she was not-they had a long distance thing....thousands of miles apart. I recognize and own these as MY issues. I keep them to myself (save y'all!).
Will this impede the healing of my marriage? Well, to quote my H I know "I don't really know" (sorry, pathetic attempt at humor).
I know our direction if forward. And that's where we're going.
Thanks....I agree too, very wise advice...sometimes nothing more than a good 'kick in the behind' (so to speak) is the best medicine. But sometimes focusing on the positives is terribly difficult.
Funny how our logical minds and our emotional minds do not always see eye to eye.
Me2; glad that anything I said was of help... I am still wrestling with my demons. While I have accepted that my divorce is inevitable (been separated over a year and paperwork submitted to the judge for entry and h has made no movement towards returning.. indeed seems more committed to OW than ever).. I still get really angry when I think about the kids ( ages 6 and 3). My son who is older has expressed to me his feelings and we talk but I though my daughter was ok..kind of insulated due to her age.. but the other night she woke up from a dream I guess and cried for Daddy.. I told her we could call him in Am and she said.. no.. mommy I want Daddy to live here.. I want daddy to come HOME.. big wail.. I told her she would see him soon.. etc.. and again she repeated the same thing.. she knew what she wanted and it wasn't this crappy this either Mommy or daddy stuff that he had inflicted on the kids... It broke my heart and what can I do.. this was not my choice either...that, in fact, is all I can tell the kids.. that I understand their pain.. that I feel bad too and that we need to be strong and move on... but OHHHHH why don't they give H a hard time/ With him they act like perfect children and don't tell him what they feel... Iasked my son one day when he complained to me to tell daddy.. and son said.. what's the point.. he doesn't listen to me about this stuff ... at least you listen! Boy I just felt so sad for son and sooo mad at H! His totally selfish and self fulfilling act (giving him some benefit of doubt here) is having such negative effect on his kids.. how can he claim to love them? People who have minor children should have to jump through total hoops to get a divorce.. it should be really hard for those with monors to be divorced.. maybe that would help get people focused on the effects on their kids!
It would be great if we could not have our emotions flogged by our spouses. All the things they do effect us. If only we could say 'that is their issue and it will not bother me'. The thought of my wife in another man's arms drives me crazy. If I could only learn to calm myself and tell myself it is her problem. Really, it is their infidelity and not ours.
My children act the same way with their father. They will not tell him how they really feel. My children are 8 and 11. The 11 year old is upset everyday and he's the one my husband spends the most time with (baseball games and practice). We have been separated now for 3 months with no sign of a reconcillation but no divorce papers filed either. There is an OW too but she is married with children and she hasn't left her husband. Their affair is mostly through email but he has traveled to be with her.
I have said the same things to my children that I am so sorry that this has happened and that it is not something I wanted. All my H will say to the kids is remember when mommy and daddy would fight? I am not happy. Don't you want Daddy to be happy? My 11 year old said but Daddy we won't be happy without you living here. Did he even hear that?
I agree, when there are children involved and at least one person wants to try, divorce should be the last resort. But my H doesn't see it that way. He wants a new life. He has completely removed himself from any responsibility of the children except to play with them once in a while, to take my son to baseball practice and give us money to help with the bills but he doesn't ask about how they are doing in school or anything.
I know that I have the best of this deal. I get to be with my children and be their rock. But it is very difficult to witness their hurt and pain when I am still hurting too.
Peter: I do not know your story.. how long you have been separated and how new the knowledge of the affair is for you. I have to say that the old adage of time will heal is true, somewhat. I now no longer feel pain at the thought of H and the OW. But it took me a long time to get here and a lot of nasty things that my H did to me and I heard a lot of stories about how he was hiding the affair from his co-workers.. before a numbness moved in and then finally a genuine feeling that she (OW) was welcome to him! Now my big source of pain over this OW is related to the kids.. I HATE the idea of her being around my kids and influencing them.. she a total slut as far as I can tell with little to no morals.. so it absolutely makes me bananas to think of her in my kids' lives! No matter how many times I tell myself that there is nothing I can do and that I need to let go of the issues as I have no control.. it doesn't help.. I am hopeing a little more time will help me out there.. but so far.. I'm still struggling!
Sandsmithy: In athe beginning I used to tell my H what the kids said to me and then I got accused of trying to manipulate him so I stopped. The other day when I mentioned in passing that i still get grief from the kids he said.. oh, why didn't you tell me? You should tell the kids to talk to me about it! I just laughed at him and changed the subject.. he doesn't get it.. they don't talk to him because it is futile and I don't tell him as it gets thrown back in my face! he says he wants to be involved but than he does what he damn well wants! The amusing thing is when I see obvious contratidictions in his behavior and words I usually let him know, and he never has a response.. he looks like a fish opening and closing his mouth and I generally just make my point and end the conversation... I mean geez.. what a selfish little ****.
gbon - have a question for you. So many thoughts and issues. I do agree with gbon - I believe I did push my h away somewhat (I can now say this)which contributed to my h having an affair - no I do not take the blame for he is responsbile for his actions but I can now understand why - who knows if I had the same opportunity if I would have gone down that same road (I truly do not believe I would but that other force can be pretty powerful). gbon - you made me see the other side and my h has read what you replied with earlier in this thread and we are both in agreement but do you have any other words of wisdom that they can possibly get him to see the flip side - we all know what happens with an affair after a while but I mean the deeper things - the feelings that they feel at the beginning and how it is down the line or can you direct me to something that might help him out. He is more open to things now - and yes a slap on the hand for me sharing some of these things with him but he seems to be grasping for some help and will not go to counseling. If anyone has any suggestions please throw them this way. Thanks.
